My Child, My Friend, My Child
Update: 2025-11-02
Description
In this week’s shiur, Rav Shlomo Katz invites us to re-examine the core of chinuch: can a parent be both moreh (teacher) and chaver (friend) without blurring roles? We return to last week’s kesher nafshi (soul-bond) and learn why natural love alone isn’t the funnel—mutuality is. Around ages 12–13, many children feel, “You love me, but you don’t understand me.” The work now is to move from “I care about you” (אכפת לי) to “I’m genuinely interested in you” (מעניין אותי)—from giving gifts we think they need to discovering the gift they actually yearn for.
Together we learn:
- Why ahavah tiv’it (natural love) cannot replace a two-way kesher nafshi, and how that bond becomes the only reliable “funnel” for values to land.
- The shift from top-down instructions to du-siach (two-way conversation) that dignifies a growing child.
- “Chinuch al pi darko” as practice: joining your child’s world so Torah can join their story—and stay there.
- The “gift mistake”: giving from our map instead of their needs, and how to do a gentle birur ha-ratzon (clarifying what they want and what we want).
- The Chafetz Chaim at home: the recipe is parent-as-teacher and parent-as-friend—without surrendering boundaries.
Practical takeaways:
- Ten minutes of curiosity: This week, ask about one thing they care about (music, friend, game, class). No fixing; mirror back what you heard.
- Switch the verb: Say out loud, “It’s not only that I care, I’m interested. Teach me.” Then listen twice as long as you speak.
- Name the age-shift: Tell a 12+ child, “I don’t want to love you like a toddler. Help me love you like you are now.”
- Funnel check before mussar: Ask, “Do we have a kesher right now?” If not—build it first, speak short and warm after.
- Friend + Parent, not either/or: Clarify one boundary you’ll keep with consistency and kindness (tone, timing, devices)—so friendship never erases guidance.
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For more Shuirim and Music from Rav Shlomo Katz, visit: https://ravshlomokatz.com
Join Rav Shlomo Katz's WhatsApp Community: https://chat.whatsapp.com/KHKOhhPaeHx5Kb74WL9L9a?mode=ems_copy_t
Together we learn:
- Why ahavah tiv’it (natural love) cannot replace a two-way kesher nafshi, and how that bond becomes the only reliable “funnel” for values to land.
- The shift from top-down instructions to du-siach (two-way conversation) that dignifies a growing child.
- “Chinuch al pi darko” as practice: joining your child’s world so Torah can join their story—and stay there.
- The “gift mistake”: giving from our map instead of their needs, and how to do a gentle birur ha-ratzon (clarifying what they want and what we want).
- The Chafetz Chaim at home: the recipe is parent-as-teacher and parent-as-friend—without surrendering boundaries.
Practical takeaways:
- Ten minutes of curiosity: This week, ask about one thing they care about (music, friend, game, class). No fixing; mirror back what you heard.
- Switch the verb: Say out loud, “It’s not only that I care, I’m interested. Teach me.” Then listen twice as long as you speak.
- Name the age-shift: Tell a 12+ child, “I don’t want to love you like a toddler. Help me love you like you are now.”
- Funnel check before mussar: Ask, “Do we have a kesher right now?” If not—build it first, speak short and warm after.
- Friend + Parent, not either/or: Clarify one boundary you’ll keep with consistency and kindness (tone, timing, devices)—so friendship never erases guidance.
----------
For more Shuirim and Music from Rav Shlomo Katz, visit: https://ravshlomokatz.com
Join Rav Shlomo Katz's WhatsApp Community: https://chat.whatsapp.com/KHKOhhPaeHx5Kb74WL9L9a?mode=ems_copy_t
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