What contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many friends and suitors recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television.

Intro :

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 8. 

It doesn't matter how successful you are, no one reaches that success without the help of someone else. 

I’ve been called an overachiever, hyper-ambitious, a know it all, a do it all…everything that you could label someone who has the passion and drive to achieve many goals and achieve them. This may all sound great but the truth is, its a lot of fricken pressure. When people know you through your successes and you have a reputation that you break through steel walls to get shit done, it piles on a lot of pressure. You find yourself in a spotlight that while it brings attention to your successes, it can also expose your failures. So when you’re struggling, you are afraid that asking for help may make you seem week or incapable. 

I’ve struggled with this throughout my life and this blog I’m going to share with you talks more about how difficult that struggle really can be. So enough with the intro, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with this next….

Blog post

December 28, 2013

S.O.S.

I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway.

I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father. 

My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing very well considering what my life has been, there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it. 

When my father came into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. This was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family. I became used to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance. There were decisions I had to make as a child that affected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help, the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice. 

Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem or a challenge, I pull up my boot straps, buckle down and handle my own business. 

But just lately I've been feeling overwhelmed. There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month or months in the year for me to get all I have to do done. At the same time if I have a day where there isn't as much to do or things can't get done because they are outside of my control, I feel useless and unproductive. 

What am I suppose to do with myself? And that question is not rhetorical either. If anyone reading this post has any suggestions, I implore you to let me know. And while I'm at it, if you know a literary agent, a publisher, an editor, how to write a grant proposal, a financial advisor, a lawyer and have suggestions on dealing with a fourteen year old boy who's father is his grandfather who happens to be in jail for molesting, beating and raping his mother; please tell me. Because I need some help. 

COMMENTS

Unknown January 7, 2014 at 11:54 AM

I have been abused by someone in my family and lived in what i call a verbally abusive household with my mother and father at each other's throats. I know that your life and my life are totally different in the circumstances but when it comes to the emotional damages it is the same. You feel the same way I did when i was letting go and you are struggling the same why i did....I can see it in ya eyes. My suggestion to feel better....cry. I know crying is a form of weakness but in my eyes is a release of emotions. It helps me let go of what my body is going through and i mean I cry. Please please don't ever deny yourself the feeling you going through because if you do it will only get worse...I promise you that. I have more advice but not sure if you want it. If you do please email me.

Stay as strong as you can and if it becomes too much...ask for help."

MY REPLY

Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:45 AM

Dear unknown Thank you for your comment. My father taught me to not cry. He said it was a sign of self pity, which he loathed. Now that I am away from him, I don't really cry out of habit, but I allow myself to feel all of my emotions; and yes, sometimes it does come out in the form of tears. I am not afraid of my emotions because though sometimes they can lead us astray, I believe God gave them to us to help navigate and enjoy this existence. Thank you for your input and suggestions, they are a big help. I will email you.

Aziza

Anonymous January 8, 2014 at 8:44 PM

I just read of your story today on another media site, I had to google your name, I wanted to hear your story. Funny I never heard your voice, today I heard you loud and clear. I hear you my sister, I hear you. I am a gang raped survivor, and a fatherless daughter, and I ask my self all the time, why me? I was raped by 2 boys who I thought were my friends when I was 16 years old, today I’m 45 and I still ask why. Aziza you have a purpose, and its bigger than yourself. I know how you feel in more ways than you know. My hand is genuinely extended to you when ever, if ever, I’m here. Mizzjayeg@gmail.com

MY REPLY

Aziza Kibibi January 10, 2014 at 2:53 AM

Thank you luv. I will email you.

Cynthia Orlando January 10, 2014 at 6:39 AM

Dear Aziza,

I too was sexually abuse by my father, and most of my life I thought my self to be a victim of my circumstances..and I told my self I was a survivor but even this is not healing to me..I am more than a survivor , I am a child of God, and this entitles me to miracles. I have being going on a healing process most of my life and I've come to the understanding that feeling like a victim only serves me to keep holding on the the suffering. I have learn through A Course In Miracles ..Who I AM. And this has empower me to create the life that God has intended me to live, and I learned that my function is to forgive myself, the people that I perceived hurt me and forgive the world I see. My pain is real and I honor it . However My suffering is a choice and I finally understood that my power is in the CHOICE I make for myself. I choose Love. 

Here is a practice I do to help me let go of all the suffering and embrace my power. Hope it helps you, I do believe Forgiveness is the key to peace of mind. I am on Facebook if you want to be friend me I would be honor I extend my love to you, because i now know we are really ONE.

DO THE WORK

Complete each of the following statements with the first thought that comes to mind.

Today I am struggling to forgive myself for ___________________

Today I am ready to forgive myself for ___________________

I realize if I do not forgive myself I will continue to feel___________________

I forgive myself for thinking ____________

I forgive myself for believing ___________

I forgive myself for feeling _____________

Today, I a