I just got off the phone with Mark (the pastor who married us) and had to lock the door to my office and turn on music so no one would hear me sobbing.

Amazingly, I can have a conversation with someone who can hear the awfulness of what I am telling them about myself, only for them to pray for me right on the phone. In all my life, I have never felt I needed to feel forgiven or that I wasn't alone, but right there, at that moment, I felt different. After we prayed, Mark asked me for a favor. He asked me that I do not take it so hard on myself that we are all human- we have all made mistakes, and whether or not this happens again- we will always make them.

For just a moment, I felt a sigh of relief. For the first time in five days, I think I don't need to know all the answers. I don't need to control every situation-I just need to have faith. I know I may need forever to gain your forgiveness, but I don't want it until I have earned it. But today was a good day because I felt God's forgiveness, and since I have no idea how I will ever forgive myself, that felt a little surreal. Just when I thought I couldn't cry another tear, the "rain came."