This was a really important story for me to share and I hope this episode will have a positive impact on others who are experiencing similar circumstances. From the age of 20 to 31 I was in a relationship with a very kind, caring and patient man. During our time together I suffered from a medical condition called vaginismus; if you aren’t familiar with the term, it is an involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles making sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible. Physically, at points, I was able to have sex but I was in agony with tears welling up, every part of my body tensed and any passion sucked away as if transported to a smear test in a doctors surgery. You will hear about all the things I tried to resolve the issue, vaginal dilators, an operation, psychosexual therapy, hypnotherapy and how it led to a negative association with sex and intimacy. This coupled with perhaps a barrier built up from childhood around what love meant and maybe not emotionally processing my Dad’s death at the age of 15 made for what I realise now was a complicated 11 year relationship, although it didn’t feel like it at the time. As I read back over my diaries I identified certain events that may have caused the condition or worsened it, and no doubt how those events impacted the decisions I made in later life and the ways I reacted during the relationship.

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Key Characters:

Erica, Dawn, Ellie, Lily - Some of my oldest friends

Dan - My ex boyfriend who I spent 11 years with from 2001 - 2012

Macey - My school crush

Mum, Dad - Family

Locations:

Chicago's Epsom - Now closed down

https://www.starbucks.co.uk/

SU Bar Surrey Institute of Art & Design Epsom Campus - Now called https://www.uca.ac.uk/life-at-uca/locations/epsom/

https://www.greeneking-pubs.co.uk/pubs/cheshire/ladybrook/

https://www.annsummers.com/

https://www.mangal2.com/

https://www.libertylondon.com/

Cultural References:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euro

Entertainment References:

The Osbournes reality TV show is just about to launch on MTV

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Osbournes

https://www.campamerica.co.uk/

https://www.trekamerica.com/

Gilbert & George

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_%26_George

Ant & Dec

https://www.antanddec.com/

Medical References:

Vaginismus

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/

Vaginal Dilators

https://www.ouh.nhs.uk/patient-guide/leaflets/files/30804Pexercises.pdf

Psychosexual Therapy

https://www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/other-services/psychosexual-counselling/

Hypnotherapy

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hypnotherapy/

Smear Test

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cervical-screening/

Vulva Pain Society

http://www.vulvalpainsociety.org/vps/

Diary, She Wrote was produced by Liz Beardsell, and edited and engineered by Ethan Illingworth