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The #1 Sign Your Relationship Won’t Last | Esther Perel EP 876
Update: 2025-01-30
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Esther Perel, Psychotherapist and Best-selling author shares the #1 sign your relationship won't last and how you can work to prevent it.
Check out the full episode: https://lewishowes.com/podcast/esther-perel-the-quality-of-your-relationships-determines-the-quality-of-your-life/
Sign up for the Greatness newsletter: http://www.greatness.com/newsletter
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Transcript
00:00:00
As a business owner, you wear a lot of hats.
00:00:03
One minute you're ordering today's inventory and the next you're planning tomorrow's expansion.
00:00:07
It's complicated, but your business credit card should be simple.
00:00:11
With the Signify Business Cash Card by Wells Fargo, you earn unlimited 2% cash rewards on purchases for your business, with no caps or categories to track.
00:00:21
Signify Business Cash, the deliberately simple business credit card.
00:00:25
Learn more at Wells Fargo.com/Signify, terms apply.
00:00:27
Hi, my name is Lewis Hous, and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.
00:00:39
If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of,
00:00:50
I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset.
00:00:52
And I think you're going to love this through powerful stories, science, back strategies, and step by step guidance.
00:00:58
The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality.
00:01:06
Make sure to click the link in the description to get your copy today.
00:01:12
If you are a person that values relationships, that sees the presence of others in your life as central and you are with somebody who does not want community or does not know how happening.
00:01:29
I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you, but their value is you do things alone, you live alone, you rely on yourself, you know, you don't bring people over to the house.
00:01:39
I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday, you know.
00:01:42
He loves to have people over and she just, nobody should come ever to the house.
00:01:47
Her space, the whole thing and I'm thinking, wow, this is a tough one.
00:01:52
It's not just about how, it's his whole life is about being with people and her whole life is about not being with people necessarily.
00:02:00
That's not how she experiences it.
00:02:01
Now the question is, is she drawn to more of what he has to offer?
00:02:05
Okay, it's different values come together and they mix and match, but if you have these two separations like that, so that's one.
00:02:13
One of the beautiful questions I ask in how is work, were you raised for autonomy or were you raised for loyalty, were you raised for self-reliance or were you raised for interdependence?
00:02:25
I think that question is a fundamentally interesting question that people can ask themselves when they partner in business and in love.
00:02:35
Do you see yourself as connected to others and it's your connections that give you a sense of anchoring, meaning, relevance, importance, is all of that or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own?
00:02:48
I think travel, curiosity, you often will have a complementarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on, you know,
00:02:58
and then another person doesn't want to travel once.
00:03:01
Doesn't want, but it's also likes comfort, likes repetition, likes the familiar.
00:03:06
I think the religious values, if you have a person who, you know, those matter a great deal, children, do you want family or do you not want family,
00:03:16
if you want a family, then make sure that you find someone who wants a family, what are you going to do to try to convince some, you know, now, I don't think you have to have the same values on everything.
00:03:29
I think you have to do a similar outlook on life, do you want to own a home?
00:03:35
Do you think that economic achievement is important?
00:03:39
Do you want to live in an extended family?
00:03:42
Do you think that living intergenerationally really is important and you have somebody else who says, "I don't want your parents over."
00:03:49
Do you want to live in more than one place?
00:03:52
You know, I think these are essential, you know, money, feelings or emotions, religious beliefs, attitude toward life, it's not a specific value about something,
00:04:05
a value is a cluster of things, it's a cluster of importance of systems of meanings, that's a value.
00:04:12
Don't get fooled just by what you see, find out what is the belief behind it, the aspiration, the longing, the interest, and then you get a sense of what is the value.
00:04:24
The minute you have a relationship, you have an expectation.
00:04:28
That expectation means that you want something, love, closeness, intimacy, partnership, business affiliation, you name it,
00:04:38
creates dependence.
00:04:40
The moment you have an attachment, you have dependence.
00:04:43
That dependence means that you have power or I have power.
00:04:48
If I expect something from you, I confer power on you.
00:04:51
You have power over me, I have power over you.
00:04:54
By definition, there will be moments when that power doesn't go in the direction that I want.
00:05:00
I'll be disappointed.
00:05:01
I'll be disappointed.
00:05:02
Is there a single child that didn't have a disappointment from their parents?
00:05:05
It doesn't exist, this idyllic thing you're talking about, it doesn't exist.
00:05:10
The next thing is what do you do with that disappointment?
00:05:13
"A, can I come tell you, I'm really disappointed, you let me down.
00:05:17
I thought we were in this together, I trusted you."
00:05:20
You say, "I see your point," or you say, "What the hell are you talking about?
00:05:24
You're just inventing this, you're delusional, none of the, you know, and everything in between."
00:05:30
That's how you do a relationship.
00:05:32
It's really based on the repair.
00:05:33
It's how we heal the disappointment.
00:05:35
Yes, it's how you repair all these breaches, moment by moment.
00:05:40
You come back, you know, and the repair is not, "I'm so sorry, repair me, sometimes be here.
00:05:45
Do you want a glass of water?"
00:05:47
Or, "Hey, did you see this article in the newspaper, John Godman is this very interesting thing about that."
00:05:52
He says, "The repair is not that you come and you do a mea culpa, is that you do what he calls bids for connection.
00:05:58
You show the other that they still matter."
00:06:01
I brought the newspaper in at the time when we still had newspapers, that was one of these examples.
00:06:07
You know, I brought the paper in like, "I think of you, I'm pissed at you, you just annoyed me, we just had a spat, I still care, you're still in my life."
00:06:15
I respect you.
00:06:16
So, it's how we repair disappointment on a daily or weekly or monthly basis.
00:06:20
Minutes sometimes.
00:06:21
But is the success of a relationship?
00:06:24
And that means also how you come and you say, "You take responsibility."
00:06:28
I actually think that taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom.
00:06:31
I've messed up, I shouldn't have done this, you know, can I do that.
00:06:35
You know, it really is being accountable.
00:06:39
What if you're instead of blaming the other?
00:06:41
What if it actually, in that moment, wasn't you?
00:06:43
It doesn't matter.
00:06:44
You don't have to agree with anything.
00:06:46
I didn't mean to.
00:06:47
It wasn't my intention.
00:06:49
We are going to sleep a lot.
00:06:51
But it's about just saying it and for that, you have to, it's about saying it.
00:06:56
And for that, you have to be able to see that you're a flawed person who can be accountable without that becoming a major source of shame and I'm terrible.
00:07:06
It's a different thing between saying, "I messed up and I messed up."
00:07:10
Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation.
00:07:30
And I hope you have an amazing rest of your day.
00:07:33
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description that will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness.
00:07:42
And if you are loving the Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now.
00:07:52
And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now.
00:08:00
And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter.
00:08:15
Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of The Daily Motivation Show.
00:08:31
As a business owner, you wear a lot of hats.
00:08:34
One minute, you're ordering today's inventory, and the next, you're planning tomorrow's expansion.
00:08:39
It's complicated, but your business credit card should be simple.
00:08:43
With the Signify Business Cash card by Wells Fargo, you earn unlimited 2% cash rewards on purchases for your business, with no caps or categories to track.
00:08:52
Signify Business Cash, the deliberately-simple business credit card.
00:08:56
Learn more at Wells Fargo.com/Signify, terms apply.
00:08:58
(upbeat music)
00:09:00
[BLANK_AUDIO]
00:09:10