Last year we launched the inaugural Best Speed Jokes Tournament, sponsored by Team Hochberg, with more than 10,000 votes casted as 16 of John Williams’ favorite jokes faced off. This year, the Best Speed Jokes Tournament returns with 2024’s best 16 Speed Jokes, as selected by John, Pete Zimmerman and Speed Jokes expert and WGN Radio listener Marge Sipla – and your chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug!

Graphic by Michael Piff / WGN Radio. Speed Jokes logo art by David Lee Csicsko

[UPDATED]

WGN Radio listeners voted for their favorite jokes to advance round-by-round, from January 13th to January 17th. Below are the results from each round after voting.

By voting, you registered for a chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug. A random winner will be selected as we announce the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Champion.

And the best Speed Joke of 2024 is…

Guy sees a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He goes in and says to the dog, “What have you done with your life?” And the dog says, “Well, I’ve had a very full life. I lived in the Alps and rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in the war, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” And the guys is flabbergasted. He says to the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you wanna get rid of an incredible dog like this?” And the owner says, “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of those things.”

Eliminated Jokes

So I was trying on a pair of shoes, and I said to the salesperson, “These are a little too tight.” And then she told me to try it with the tongue out, so I said “It’s no good. It’s still too tight.” (say last line with your tongue out)

Spring is here! Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.

“John, can you describe yourself in three words?”
“Yes. Lazy.”

“I met a microbiologist yesterday.“
“Yeah?“
“She was much bigger than I thought.“

“Oxygen and Potassium went on a date last night.“
“How’d it go?“
“Okay, but then oxygen hooked up with Magnesium and I was like O-Mg!“

A Frenchman walks into a café with a parrot on his shoulder. Guy in a café says, “Where’d you get that thing?” The parrot says, “In France. They’ve got a million of them.”

Two hotdogs get married. It’s their wedding night and one hotdog turns to the other and says, “Are we gonna use a condiment?”

Why aren’t dogs permitted in bars? Because they can’t control their licker.

A bunch of chess pieces are in a van going down the road. The knight piece is driving erratically. The cop pulls him over and says, “Step outside and walk a straight line.” And the knight’s like, “Uh oh.”

I went skydiving for the first time yesterday. The guy strapped himself to me. We jumped out of the plane and as we were falling to earth, he yelled, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

Three skunks are walking down a street together when they come to an intersection.
Skunk #1 says, “My instincts tell me to go left.”
Skunk #2 says, “My instincts tell me to go right.”
Skunk #3 says, “Hey, my end stinks too, but it doesn’t talk to me.”

Guy walks into a bar and hears, “You look great! Have you lost weight?” He looks around and no one’s there. A minute later, he hears, “Hey handsome, you don’t look a day over 30.” He sees no one. Bartender comes over and says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

I’ll bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese