0:00
I remember, I always as a kid, always wondered, you know, you always wonder, where’s that person? Why are they not here? Probably around third or fourth grade is when it became real to me as to why there wasn’t a dad around. And it wasn’t so much me as it was being teased at school. You know, kids saying very hurtful things about why my dad wasn’t in my life and so it became very like, Okay, why What did what did I do to make him that want to be a part of my life? Was where it went to as a child. Sure, sure. So I would say that was probably around third or fourth grade, that it became I started making up stories and had this wonderful fantasy life that I was telling everybody that they didn’t see me all the time in the summer because I was spending my summers in New Mexico with my dad and his family.

1:03
Yeah, well, that makes sense that you would, you know, make stories to make sense of it. All right. Yeah. I don’t know why

1:08
New Mexico. Yeah. Why? New Mexico was the place but

1:13
but that’s where you went? Yes. That’s where you went.

1:16
Still haven’t visited very real in real life as an adult but one day

1:21
Yeah. So was it for you growing up that it was a don’t I you know, we know but don’t tell or

1:33
it was just something we just didn’t talk about. And I do remember a couple times asking and being very shut down at the times that I did ask, being raised with my grandmother. She didn’t know who my father was. And I think that always bothered her. Also, sure, not knowing but you know, she she knew how I felt and she knew how much it bothered me and there was just nothing she can really do to help so.

2:07
So I suppose life life goes on. Right?

2:11
Absolutely. You know, you get busy and, you know, especially through high school, you get involved in as many things as you can get involved with looking back now. You see that you get involved with everything because you’re trying to keep yourself busy and away from some of those questions. And I haven’t realized that recently that I’m like, that’s why I was always involved in every possible thing. I could be involved in. But the day I turned 18 That’s an I remember clearly my birthday I was at my job, and Fish Creek. And I took my lunch break and got on the phone and called the courthouse and called the child support agency. And called anybody I could think of that would possibly have a record as to who my father was being so naive thinking he has to be listed somewhere. And if he just wasn’t there was never, never a child support case opens. There was never anything to have his name beyond so it remained this mystery and I remember feeling so defeated at that point. Because through my teen years, I always thought well once I turned 18

3:37
is I want to know find out anything once I’ve turned 18 Very defeated than at 18 that there’s nothing here I don’t know how I’m going to find out. And maybe I won’t.

3:50
Yeah, wow. To carry that longing to find that information out and thinking you know, at 18 It’ll be easy peasy and I’ll get it and everything will be good to go and yeah, back then they didn’t even really have it not like they do now or you can get anybody’s DNA tested anyway. You know we didn’t have that back then.

4:13
97 Yeah, a whole lot of that time.

4:17
So this this longing that you carry your entire 18 years and then when there is no where that seems there’s nowhere to go, what do you what did you do next? What do you what did you do with that information?

4:33
At that point I gave up. At that point I gave up, went on with my life with the typical you know, you’re supposed to go to college, you know, you’re supposed to do this. It clearly bothered me and it it clearly had an effect on me there was a lot of unhealthy behaviors that that crept in because of it trying I think trying to fill trying to fill that void of of what I had and what or what I didn’t have, so to speak. And it just got pushed to the backburner for a number of years. Obv