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The Key To Finding True Love | EP 869
Update: 2025-01-23
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Eric Barker, Best-selling Author shares the science backed research around what it means to find true love.
Check out the full episode: http://www.lewishowes.com/1328
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Transcript
00:00:00
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00:00:28
Hi, my name is Lewis Hous and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.
00:00:33
If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your
00:00:43
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00:00:47
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00:00:59
the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link in the
00:01:04
description to get your copy today. It was stunning to me that a 2009 UC Berkeley study
00:01:12
you know found that good relationships can add a decade to your lifespan, potentially a decade.
00:01:19
It was crazy and then there was a meta review where they they look at all the studies about
00:01:23
relationships and what they found is that good relationships are second only to genetics in terms
00:01:29
of predicting both health and longevity in humans. It's so crazy we forget that there's little stressors
00:01:35
that build up and we don't have a release valve when we can't talk about things we can't share
00:01:40
things when we can't hear that it's normal it's okay this is really hard stuff. The stress hormones
00:01:46
that happen that basically because of loneliness is the equivalent of physical attack loneliness is
00:01:51
like getting beat up. Loneliness before the 19th century basically didn't exist. We were so enmeshed
00:01:58
in societies. We've had religions, tribes, nations. We always felt a part of something even if we
00:02:03
weren't close to people and we usually were we felt we were a part of something. You basically before
00:02:08
the 19th century you can't hear it mentioned because we were always embedded in a group. When you hear
00:02:13
the word lonely it meant something by itself it didn't have the negative stigma. It wasn't until
00:02:18
literally Frankenstein that you heard lonely in the 19th century start to be used as a negative thing
00:02:24
because we had an explosion of individualism which unlocked a lot of power a lot of great things in
00:02:30
the world but we felt separate and people who are lonely and people who are not lonely spend the
00:02:37
same amount of time with others. Lonely people don't spend any more time alone. We've all felt lonely
00:02:43
in a crowd. You can be a you can be a time square under your zeve and still feel alone you feel alone
00:02:49
in the subway. Loneliness isn't lack of proximity to people loneliness is how you feel about your
00:02:55
relationships. When you go on a business trip you might miss your friends and family but you know
00:03:01
they're there you know they're missing you know they don't care about you you don't feel lonely
00:03:04
you might miss them versus if you're surrounded by people but you think nobody cares that's when
00:03:09
you feel lonely. Time is one of the most powerful signals in a relationship that's why we like it
00:03:16
that's also why manipulators like it. How you show somebody that they're really special is
00:03:21
I costly signals. If I spend a lot of time with you I spend an hour a day with you I can only do that
00:03:26
for 24 people and I've got to sleep. That shows you're special there's no way around that time is
00:03:32
costly vulnerability I'm telling you things that could be used against me those are powerful
00:03:38
signals and when people reciprocate those signals we know they're serious. If they're making the time
00:03:44
if they're saying things that maybe they shouldn't say then these are people who are making the effort
00:03:49
if you're not feeling supported enough in your relationships an easy thing you can do is introduce
00:03:56
your friends to one another because the issue is there's a synergy I think that that words often
00:04:02
overused but there's a synergy in that in the sense of having one-off relationships is great but once
00:04:09
you start introducing your friends you're creating a community your friends can coordinate. Hey Lewis
00:04:15
is feeling down we should take him out now they can work together and you're creating your own group
00:04:20
you're creating your own community that is so much more powerful than a lot of one-off relationships
00:04:27
where people can't say share information and say this is what he needs right now usually the things
00:04:33
our friends know we usually know but when you go one degree out those are the things we're not hearing
00:04:38
about those are the things we're not connected when you're connecting people with other people that
00:04:43
are one degree out from you they're getting new ideas new potential new job offers new opportunities
00:04:48
you're creating this whole network there's a center you're the champion of all these relationships
00:04:53
and opportunities and that is so valuable there's a lot of places that say they want to have impact
00:04:58
it's like no type of positive impact let's let's focus that over and it's like to do that makes all
00:05:03
the difference in the world I mean not only in terms of again relationships and love but also in
00:05:08
terms of career one of the biggest tips that's come out of research in terms of people networking
00:05:14
is there are some people who are super connectors there's some people if you look at your contact
00:05:18
list you will see they introduce you to a disproportionate number of the people you know and reaching out
00:05:23
to them is a very high leverage way to network better by creating these things you're not only
00:05:29
bringing people together doing warm things you may be helping these people get jobs and opportunities
00:05:33
because you're the super connector we're often reluctant to even talk to strangers in a Starbucks or
00:05:38
something like that we often feel like well we're going to win away them and the truth is that's not
00:05:43
the case when they surveyed people just saying something small wow lines long or how can you relate to
00:05:49
them we usually feel better and when we think about it like again to specific yeah when I did say
00:05:55
something that person said something we overemphasized the negative most of the times when we just
00:06:00
say something nice we reach out we feel better they feel better and sometimes it blossoms into
00:06:06
an actual friendship in longer relationships you are going to get away from the craziness but
00:06:13
love makes us nuts love makes us absolutely crazy well you look at the historical documents go back
00:06:17
to 3000 BC in Egypt wars and killing and this and that yeah we love was described as a malady it was
00:06:23
described as a sickness really yes because it was literally a diagnosable illness and to this day if
00:06:29
you just yes because we get so nuts and the truth is it makes sense we talked about earlier we're
00:06:35
in friendship with costly signals what is a more costly signal than I am running around like a
00:06:41
maniac thinking about you all the time and doing everything I'm not behaving rationally that tells you
00:06:48
I am invested I am serious I am incapable of calisely taking advantage of you because I'm crazy
00:06:54
and they actually tested this they looked at countries and communities where it was very easy
00:07:00
to just ghost someone and countries and communities where it was very difficult to have strong
00:07:06
network ties it was hard to ghost what do you see where it's easier to ghost the signal of love the
00:07:12
craziness of love is greater because your brain realizes fundamentally I need to boost the
00:07:18
signal to show the other person I am nuts about them love is stronger because it has to communicate
00:07:24
it is a valuable sense it's a valuable sense to the other person that you are literally crazy about
00:07:30
them what predicts long-term success in a relationship is you isolate part of that crazy idealization
00:07:37
idealization seeing that person as better than they are is not only predicts happiness in a relationship
00:07:44
it predicts the duration and the success of a relationship you need to see them as better than they
00:07:50
are it is the greatest hallmark of love really yeah because we can get cynical everybody has flaws
00:07:56
when you start making negative assumptions about your partner that's not a good time there's a strong
00:08:01
correlation between how people feel on their wedding day and how things work out is when people
00:08:07
have second second thoughts divorces much more likely versus when people have that idealization
00:08:13
you've heard it when people first start dating they are over the moon this person has done everything
00:08:18
they've won Nobel prizes and gold medals they are unsoppable having some of that and keeping some of
00:08:23
that a little bit of a rational positive people are not deluded you realize your partner is imperfect
00:08:30
but you're always willing to get them the benefit of the doubt you always believe they have the
00:08:33
potential when they do something wrong they must be having a bad day you're compassionate you
00:08:39
get the benefit of that versus the idea did it again so that idealization seeing that person
00:08:45
is better than they are being able to sustain that is a great sign of true love
00:08:59
thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Daily Motivation and I hope you have
00:09:13
an amazing rest of your day if you enjoyed this episode make sure to click the link in the
00:09:18
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00:09:24
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00:09:30
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00:09:35
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00:09:41
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00:09:46
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00:09:51
newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter again have an
00:09:58
amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.
00:10:11
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