-If I was ranking the things I remember learning about the most in elementary school and high school, they would be: World War II and the holocaust, slavery and the civil rights movement. And then what to do if there’s a fire. There were so many fire drills. So many presentations from firefighters. I remember thinking “stop, drop, and roll” was going to be a major part of my life. I was prepared for adulthood to mainly just be a constant of cycle consistent of surviving fires. We went over the protocol SO MUCH. I imagine school board meetings are just “alright let’s the curriculum for this year: Math, history, science, what to do in a fire obviously, english, social studies. I said the fire thing already right?”

-I find it pointless for a waiter or waitress to ask “Have you been here before?” at the start of your meal. It really doesn’t really matter whether you say yes or no. Nothing changes based on your answer. And even if I haven’t been to that specific place before, I have certainly been to other restaurants before. And they’re all pretty much the same. I think I have the hang of it by now. I might just start answering “No but as long as you guys do the standard “order food, get it, and pay” thing, I think I’ll be alright.”

-My dream in life is to go to a fashion show one day and a model starts to walk down the runway, but maybe she’s new and inexperienced and she gets really nervous and says “Oh no I can’t do this!” and runs off the stage. And then the whole crowd is quiet, I perk up, and say “More like a runaway model!” And then everyone abrupts in laughter, maybe a Tommy chant breaks out in the crowd? One of the models is like “You’re the funniest man ever, marry me!” and we live a happy life together and start a beautiful family and my firstborn is a son who can carry on the Scibelli family name.

-It’s crazy that the white tank top undershirt has two pretty offensive nicknames. You can’t refer to that item of clothing without feeling like you’re maybe saying something wrong. You can call it a guinea tee (I can say it, I’m Italian). Or if you’re not comfortable with that, your other option is wife beater. So you have to choose: do I be insensitive towards Italians or domestic abuse?

-It’s pretty crazy how there’s just rhyme or reason to the consistency of our seatbelt laws. If you’re in a car, wear it. Unless you’re a passenger in a taxi then forget it. Buses you’re in the clear. Trains? Don’t fucking ridiculous. Obviously don't need them? Planes maybe? You gotta look at a little flashing light and obey whatever that says. Just not a shred of common sense goes into these decisions. Just nothing about the whole thing makes any sense.

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