The Cogitating Ceviché

presents

Voltaire Uncensored: The Enlightenment's Sharpest Wit Takes on Corporate Morality and Performative Power

Past Forward #67

By Conrad Hannon

Narration by Amazon Polly

Preface

Few pens have cut as sharply through hypocrisy as that of François-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire. A titan of the Enlightenment, he mocked kings, dismantled dogma, and wielded wit like a scalpel against the bloated corpse of superstition and tyranny. His weapon was satire, his armor was reason, and his battlefield was wherever power cloaked itself in sanctimony.

But what if the world Voltaire sought to reform had not ended with powdered wigs and royal decrees? What if he stepped into the 21st century and found new institutions, no less self-righteous, no less absurd, hiding authoritarianism behind acronyms and mission statements?

In this reimagining, Voltaire is thrust into the heart of our modern bureaucratic labyrinth, where corporations preach equity while dodging taxes, where ESG ratings mask corruption, and where speech is "free" until someone takes offense. What would he make of this new world order? What would he skewer, celebrate, or subvert?

Let us follow Voltaire as he returns not to the salons of Paris, but to the boardrooms of global megacorps, the glossy summits of virtue-laced capitalism, and the digital forums where dissent is algorithmically shadowbanned.

Introduction

Voltaire awakens not in a dusty French abbey, but in the climate-controlled lobby of a multinational tech conglomerate's headquarters. The walls are tastefully lined with recycled bamboo. A holographic mural displays slogans like "Inclusion is Innovation" and "Stakeholder Capitalism for a Better Tomorrow." Nearby, a diversity officer reprimands a janitor for using the term "cleaning lady."

Clad in a sharply tailored blazer over his classic jabot and breeches, Voltaire adjusts quickly. He always does. He studies the glowing badges and color-coded HR lanyards like a sociologist among savages. The air smells faintly of lavender, ambition, and liability insurance.

He is told he has been invited as a keynote speaker at the "Global Forum for Ethical Prosperity." His talk? "The Enlightenment Ethos in the Age of Algorithmic Morality."

He smiles thinly. "So you've traded God for 'Governance' and the King for Compliance. Fascinating. Let's begin."

Enlightenment Roots, Modern Ironies

Born in 1694, Voltaire lived under the ancien régime but used every tool of his mind to disassemble it. Jailed for offending the crown, exiled for satirizing nobility, and censored for daring to question the Church, he nonetheless wrote and spoke with relentless clarity. His Philosophical Dictionary skewered superstition. Candide ridiculed Panglossian optimism. His letters to Frederick the Great offered veiled barbs at monarchy masked as flattery.

His was not a philosophy of passive resistance. It was pure provocation.

In today's world, Voltaire would have found fertile ground. While kings and priests may have been replaced by CEOs and influencers, the rituals of control remain eerily familiar. He'd recognize in ESG (Environmental, Social, Governance) frameworks the same empty pieties once reserved for royal proclamations. Just as courtly virtue masked conquest, today's corporate codes mask power.

"Hypocrisy," he once wrote, "is the homage vice pays to virtue." Now, he updates: "ESG is the PR vice pays to virtue, with a carbon offset."

The parallels run deeper. Medieval indulgences promised salvation in exchange for coin; modern carbon credits promise absolution for industrial sin. The ecclesiastical courts that once policed thought have given way to HR departments that monitor speech. The Index Librorum Prohibitorum has become the shadow-ban algorithm.

"Plus ça change," Voltaire mutters, scrolling through a corporate code of conduct that runs longer than the Treaty of Westphalia.

Voltaire vs ESG: A Farce in Three Acts

Voltaire's first major encounter with modern virtue-signaling came at a corporate retreat in Davos, Switzerland. Invited as a historical "provocateur-in-residence," he found himself among billionaires lamenting inequality between foie gras courses.

A CEO of a global logistics firm boasted of reaching net-zero emissions by purchasing credits from a shell company that plants trees in someone else's country. A fashion executive praised her new sustainable clothing line, even as her overseas factories paid seamstresses below subsistence wages. A tech mogul announced his commitment to "democratizing access to information" while simultaneously lobbying for regulations that would crush smaller competitors.

Voltaire, never one to let polite fiction pass unexamined, stood and asked, "Tell me, dear philanthropists: if your compassion is so sincere, why must it always be audited, outsourced, and tax-deductible?"

The room tittered, uncertain whether this was satire or simply French directness.

Later that evening, he explored a corporate ethics training module powered by AI. It penalized employees for "non-inclusive metaphors." Voltaire received a flag for referring to "blind justice." Another warning appeared when he used the phrase "lame excuse."

"How curious," he remarked to his AI trainer, "that the modern world has learned to police words more eagerly than deeds. In my day, we called this 'straining at gnats while swallowing camels,' but I suppose that metaphor would earn me a disciplinary review."

The AI responded with a generic message about "creating safe spaces for all stakeholders."

Performative Virtue and the New Inquisition

Modern speech codes fascinate and disturb him in equal measure. Voltaire, who famously championed free expression even for those he despised, finds today's cancel culture an odd descendant of the Inquisition he once battled.

He is introduced to a young marketing associate who was fired for liking a post deemed "insensitive." Her crime: clicking a heart emoji on an economist's critique of minimum wage increases. The HR department labeled it a "microaggression by proxy." She now works at a coffee shop, her career in ruins for the sin of digital curiosity.

"Ah," Voltaire says, "so opinion is once again heresy. And heresy is punished not by torture, but by LinkedIn silence and Slack purging. We are sophisticated now."

He writes a short treatise: On the Tolerance of Algorithms. In it, he mocks how institutions outsource moral judgment to unaccountable systems that punish nuance as deviation. He quotes his own maxim, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it," and then adds: "Unless you say it on company WiFi, in which case you're on your own."

The treatise goes viral before being quietly removed from several platforms for "community guidelines violations." The irony is not lost on him.

Bureaucratic Absurdities and Corporate Theocracy

Voltaire visits a large government-contracted energy firm that claims to be both carbon-negative and "spiritually aligned." Its mission statement includes phrases like "operational harmony" and "profit with planetary purpose." Employees are required to attend weekly meditation sessions, complete DEI modules, and log gratitude reflections into a compliance tracker.

The office itself resembles a Silicon Valley monastery. Open-concept spaces encourage "collaborative transparency." Standing desks promote "mindful productivity." The cafeteria serves only organic, locally-sourced food, though the prices ensure that lower-level employees subsist on instant ramen from the vending machine.

When asked his impressions, Voltaire replies: "You have built a church without calling it such. You chant mantras instead of hymns, hold town halls instead of Mass, and instead of hell, you have HR."

He attends a disciplinary review in which an engineer is reprimanded for not using "eco-neutral framing" in a PowerPoint presentation. The offending phrase? "We need to drill deeper into the data."

Voltaire, taking notes, remarks, "In this regime, clarity is a liability and sincerity a risk. No one may offend, but everyone is perpetually offended. You have achieved the impossible: a tyranny of the sensitive."

Later, in a televised panel on "Post-Capitalist Corporate Ethics," he proposes a revision of the Hippocratic Oath for CEOs: "First, do no branding."

The Return of the Philosophe

Yet Voltaire does not merely mock. He proposes.

He drafts a modern Philosophical Dictionary, with entries such as:

Equity: A term that once meant fairness, now deployed as a cudgel to justify anything that advances the cause of those who invoke it.

Sustainability: A state of perpetual self-congratulation for doing marginally less harm while making exponentially more money.

Transparency: The illusion of visibility offered through curated metrics and dashboard theater.

Stakeholder Capitalism: The art of serving all masters by serving none, while enriching shareholders with a clear conscience.

Inclusion: The practice of excluding those who question inclusion.

He argues not against virtue, but against its simulation. "If you must signal goodness," he says, "do so by action, not hashtags. If you must virtue-signal, at least have the decency to possess some virtue first."

He aligns with a handful of dissenting voices: rogue engineers, whistleblowers, old-school liberals, disillusioned millennials who have begun to critique the hollow performativity of elite institutions. He urges them not toward revolution, but ridicule.

"Laugh at their pieties," he says. "Laugh until they collapse under their own contradictions. Nothing terrifies tyrants, corporate or clerical, more than satire they can