Sex, Love, and Addiction

Tara Beall-Gomes and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about next-level gaslighting, including red flag behaviors in therapy, role-playing dialogues that highlight gaslighting language, and the role that a therapist can play in finding closure after years of betrayal. Tara also offers encouragement to a partner that is working to regain their spouses trust, and resources for anyone who is unable to pay for extensive therapy.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Now he’s gaslighting our therapist?  [3:48] Is gaslighting abusive?  [5:27] Role-play examples of gaslighting, projecting, and controlling.  [10:58] Shame and empathy with rigorous honesty.  [15:43] “I knew all along.” Now what?  [21:37] I can’t believe anything my spouse says.  [25:25] Identifying the core values that drive our reactions.  [32:55] The role of your therapist in finding closure.  [34:50] Red flags in therapy behavior.  [38:52] Next steps when an addict has support and you don’t. [43:31] How can a partner ever trust again?  [46:15] Encouragement and free resources.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tara Beall-Gomes   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Gaslighting is relational and strategic, while lying is an isolated behavior.”  “Closure is incredibly important in about to find peace, but it doesn’t have to mean agreement.”  “You can’t derail your own trauma work and recovery when dealing with your partner.”  “If you want to trust again, you have to trust yourself first.”  “You are enough, and you can do this.” 

Tara Beall-Gomes is a certified CT and FL therapist who founded Grit and Grace Recovery, which focuses on betrayal trauma, sex, and porn addiction. Together with Dr. Rob she highlights key differences between simple lies and manipulative gaslighting tactics, the impact that gaslighting has on a partnership, and the importance of empowering a gaslit partner after years of not knowing whether they can trust themselves.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:11] What is gaslighting from a therapist's perspective?  [6:13] Gaslighting affects more than your partnership. [7:44] Patterns in gaslighting, and why they appear.  [12:35] Simple lies or real gaslighting tactics?  [15:01] Common couples gaslighting patterns in Tara’s office.  [20:31] Empowering a gaslit partner.  [23:04] Defining the ‘victim’ and the ‘problem’.  [26:33] Learning to trust your gut.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tara Beall-Gomes   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Once we understand what something means, we can understand how we can change those behaviors in order to be construction instead of destructive.”  “Chances are, your gaslighting tactics are not just being used in your coupleship, but other areas of your life too.”  “Staying in the victim role is not going to contribute to optimal healing.” 

Sarah Morales and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the progression of gaslighting. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting always happens slowly and stages, and ultimately results in the inability to trust one’s self. In this discussion, Sarah offers tactics for awareness, identification and healing from gaslighting at every stage.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] The progression of gaslighting.  [4:18] “Let me check in with myself.”  [6:27] What percentage of your childhood included gaslightling?  [9:17] The end result of gaslighting happens a little bit at a time.  [10:32] 7 techniques that fall under the gaslighting umbrella. [13:08] Levels of awareness and motives behind gaslighting.  [24:28] Passive aggressive behavior and other gaslighting roles. [27:55] Determining the frequency of gaslighting.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Sarah Morales   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “An inability to trust one’s self is the most significant thing that happens with gaslighting.”  “Gaslightling is not what happened, it’s how many things happened.”  “The easiest and fastest way to recognize gaslighting is through the roles we play.” 

Sarah Morales is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach and gaslighting specialist who also sits on the board of APSATS – the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists. Together with Dr. Rob she deconstructs the stages of gaslighting, explains the differences between gaslighting, manipulation and guilt, and addresses common emotions and doubts that partners have when they are being gaslit.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:19] The motivation behind Sarah’s work with gaslighting.  [5:42] What are common gaslighting patterns?  [8:00] Differentiating between manipulation, guilt, and gaslighting.  [10:51] Flowcharts to breakdown gaslighting.  [12:37] Stages of progressive and chronic gaslighting.  [17:35] Cognitive dissonance at higher levels of gaslighting.  [19:41] Do gaslighters know what they are doing?  [23:33] Diversion tactics and self-abandonment.  [28:40] Maybe my gaslighter is actually right about me?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Sarah Morales   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Gaslighting undermines partners who are asking for what they need in order to feel safe in a relationship.”  “Gaslighting only works when it happens from a person that we’re supposed to be able to trust.”  “Eventually I no longer see myself through my own eyes, I only see myself through my gaslighter’s eyes.” 

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped.  [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain.  [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal.  [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe.  [12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked.  [25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal.  [27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react. [31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple. [33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain?  [40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law? [46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety.  [49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.” “Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.”  “The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.”  “Self care is brain care.”   

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal?  [3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole?  [7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery?  [12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months.  [19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out?  [27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete?  [31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault!  [35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict?  [44:10 How long does recovery take on average?  [49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.”  “The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.”  “You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.”  “What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.” 

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle continue their conversation with Dr. Rob about awakening sexuality to create a healthy sexual identity, especially after betrayal or trauma. Their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma offers a personalized process to learning about your own sexuality, regardless of experiences you have had in the past.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Vanessa’s perspective on sex workers.  [6:29] If you love me, you wouldn’t do this. [10:13] Betrayed partners get to choose what they are going to do next.  [13:40] Compartmentalizing addictive and betrayal behavior.  [15:52] Creating a healthy sexual partnership.  [19:36] The danger of comparing your sex life to porn.  [22:42] Learning about intimacy from the queer community. [25:29] The shame of non-sexual but intimate couples.  [27:31] Slow moving steps in healing from betrayal.  [31:45] Faith-based sexuality.  [35:36] Awakening your sexuality through a personalized process.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Stephanie Covington Dr. Vanessa Carlisle   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “It is a fallacy to believe that the people who love us will never hurt us.”  “Betrayed partners get to choose what they’re going to do about the situation they're in.”  “Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t respect?”  “You can’t use porn as your sex teacher. You’ve got to use your own body.” 

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle join Dr. Rob to discuss their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma. They discuss the facts and myths of true intimacy, appropriate healing timelines after betrayal, and the danger of believing that sex is the only worthy expression of intimacy in a healthy and committed relationship.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:42] Seeking connection and intimacy after addiction and trauma.  [6:29] A timeline for dealing with trauma during recovery.  [9:46] The role of facing trauma in healing.  [11:15] Addressing the why of addictive behavior. [14:22] The challenge of culture on healthy sexuality.  [17:33] Safety as an aphrodisiac.  [20:20] Moving from betrayal to intimacy.  [22:40] Myths surrounding sex and intimacy.  [25:37] Small steps that lead to true intimacy.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Stephanie Covington Dr. Vanessa Carlisle   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Recovery is a slow, slow process.” “Asking why is a way to stay stuck.”  “The depth of our need for sexual connection is not the problem.”  “Safety is an aphrodisiac.”  “Intimacy takes time.” 

Chelsey Cole and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about narcissistic behavior. Chelsey outlines the impact that growing up with a narcissist can have on future relationships, the shame-rage cycle of a top-tier narcissist, and the signs that you are (most likely) not a narcissist, even if you occasionally act like one.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] The shame-rage cycle of a narcissist.  [4:00] The top of the narcissistic scale.  [6:17] Sociopathy, psychopathy, and narcissists and where they overlap.  [7:55] The role of addiction in narcissism.  [10:18] Chelsey’s personal experience with narcissism.  [14:21] The impact of growing up with a narcissist.  [16:11] Am I a narcissist too?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Chelsey Cole   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Narcissists do not deal with shame. They have the shame-rage cycle.”  “To a narcissist, your pain is proof of their power.”  “Anyone who is active in their addiction is going to look narcissistic.”  “Narcissism presents in patterns of behavior over time.” 

Chelsey Cole is a psychotherapist focusing on narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She is the best-selling author of If Only I’d Known, and has joined Dr. Rob to explore what narcissism really is and what it isn’t. She offers clear signs and strategies of a grandiose narcissist, and offers hope for any partner who has been frustrated by assuming their narcissistic partner views relationships through the same lens they do. Unless you understand the views of a narcissist, you will never succeed in true communication and connection with them.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Is he just selfish or is he a true narcissist?  [5:26] Characteristics of the grandiose narcissist.  [9:38] The danger of transactional views of relationships.  [10:31] Stages of the narcissist spectrum.  [14:45] Remorse motivation in a narcissist’s mind.  [17:07] Steps in the cycle of narcissistic abuse.  [20:03] Characteristics of the moderate to severe narcissists.  [23:01] You’re not crazy! Narcissists actually want the conflict you are avoiding.  [25:49] Pathological insecurity versus healthy insecurity.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Chelsey Cole   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “True narcissists don’t have the stuff that it takes to create deep, committed relationships.”  “Narcissists believe they are always the exception to every rule.”  “For a true narcissist, their default is to not care about you, and to put their needs first.”  “Narcissists actually seek the conflict you are avoiding.” 

Crystal Hollenbeck and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the power and purpose of triggers, the appropriate time to utilize communication skills, and each of the seven steps of the CALMING model, including handling residual anger and resentment. We often think that anger is the only option for control after betrayal, but Crystal challenges this limiting belief and offers hope to anyone who is ready to move on from an angry life.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:52] Why should I do anything? He betrayed me.  [5:42] Triggers are normal and can be helpful.  [7:27] What to expect from the leveling stage.  [13:13] The management and intuition stages of CALMING.  [20:21] Trusting your intuition after betrayal.  [25:17] The role of forgiveness in healing.  [30:41] This behavior increases the likelihood of repeat betrayal.  [32:30] Boundaries are protection, not restriction. [34:35] Grieving loss and recognizing the positives of post-traumatic growth. [43:44] Moving on after grief is possible.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Crystal Hollenbeck Betrayal Healing Conference   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “This is part of your story now. You have to talk about it.”  “I have never seen a client not be grateful for healing work, because they come in with wounds they didn’t know exist.”  “Forgiveness is for you, not the person that harmed you.”  “Boundaries are protection, not restriction.” “We never stop grieving. We learn to live with grief.”

Crystal Hollenbeck has returned to the podcast to discuss a new resource for anyone who is dealing with betrayal trauma anger. She and Dr. Rob define this healthy emotion in the healing process, discuss her new book Betrayal Trauma Anger and explore anger management options available to help betrayed partners calm down and move forward.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:52] A new resource for managing anger after betrayal and trauma. [3:25] Defining betrayal trauma anger. [4:23] The motivation behind Crystal’s new book. [7:01] 3 significant experiences of a betrayed partner.  [8:20] The danger of repressing anger.  [9:58] “I don’t like who I’ve become.” Now what? [12:25] What being betrayed says about you.   [14:43] The reward in Crystal’s work.  [16:10] Trauma and broken attachments.  [19:21] 7 stages of recovery with anger.  [24:01] When is enough punishment enough?  [25:13] First steps in the CALMING model.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Crystal Hollenbeck   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “You’re not crazy, you’re angry. And you should be.” “When you are betraying someone, you are abusing them.” “Being betrayed does not mean you are stupid or foolish.”  “You are not responsible for what your partner did. Period.”

Tammy Gustafson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about creating emotional space between you and your betraying partner. They discuss the power of actually feeling all of your feelings, and the importance of allowing fun and play in the healing process. Tammy offers free resources for finding peace, and underscores the power that comes with surviving and thriving after betrayal.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] You don’t have control over your partner’s behavior. Now what? [4:22] Shifting from safety seeking in others to self. [7:35] Pumping the well of your soul. [8:52] The danger of suppressing your anger and sadness. [13:00] Allowing the flow of emotions while grieving. [17:01] Free resources for finding peace. [21:07] The role of fun and play in healing. [25:06] Moving toward the best version of yourself through healing.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tammy Gustafson Betrayal Healing Conference   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “Over time, the way that we start to heal… is a version of healthy detachment.” ● “There is an energy to anger that has a purpose.” ● “Part of the grieving process is allowing the flow of emotions to go through you.” ● “You cannot heal your heart with your head.”

Tammy Gustafson is a licensed professional counselor and coach who focused on trauma, PTSD, and EMDR before her own marriage imploded. She now works with others who are facing betrayal, focusing on women who have been betrayed to help them find their worth and strength again. Together, she and Dr. Rob discuss healing after betrayal and regaining trust in your partner, but more importantly, in yourself.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Tammy’s reluctant, and now passionate journey toward betrayal counseling. [4:30] The personal element of Tammy’s services. [6:05] Growing into the best version of yourself after betrayal. [9:03] What if I can’t feel my feelings? [11:20] The process of healing requires the help of others. [12:52] It is never your fault that your partner betrayed you. [15:30] What if my anger is directed at the other woman? [17:25] Rebuilding trust after betrayal.  [21:07] How can I trust myself again? [25:00] Resetting the nervous system.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tammy Gustafson   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “We can’t hide from our emotions and heal.” ● “The grieving process is the healing process.” ● “Healing is a thousand times easier with the help of other people.” ● “Power is the ability to influence, or to resist influence.”

Carol Juergensen Sheets and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about healing as a couple. Carol defines the six primary needs of every person, ways to create meaningful connection, and what it means to be brave and do it anyway throughout a couple’s healing journey.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:23] Where do couples start with healing? [3:27] Transactional sex versus emotional connection. [4:13] First steps with couples work – what do you need that you aren’t getting? [6:03] Defining the 6 primary needs of every person. [9:40] Creating meaningful ways for connection. [11:56] Helping couples heal starts here. [14:15] Do you know your own strengths? [15:05] Be brave and do it anyway.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Carol Juergensen Sheets   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “You need to be seen as a couple that is not in distress.” ● “Create ways that you can look forward to connection.” ● “I want couples to work through their trauma with each other.” ● “You have to do what will make your partner feel safe.”

Carol Juergensen Sheets joins Dr. Rob for an in-depth conversation about what it really takes for both partners to heal after betrayal and trauma. Carol focuses on empathy in recovery, understanding triggers, and the signs that indicate that it is safe for a couple to move toward each other again. She also addresses the importance of support groups in healing and answers the classic question – do women really need other women?   TAKEAWAYS: [2:56] Carol has been supporting healing in sex addicts couples since 2005. [5:55] Betrayed spouses aren’t crazy, they’re traumatized. [7:57] The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model. [10:38] The danger of fact checking and hypervigilance after trauma. [14:10] The sustaining hope of feeling connected to your partner. [15:25] Empathy broken down into 4 actionable parts. [20:05] How to desensitize the desire to shut down after being triggered. [22:52] Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it? [26:33] When is it safe to move toward the coupleship again? [28:25] Shifting away from if/then interactions toward stability. [31:11] Healthy detachment leads to healing. [36:07] Do women really need other women?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Carol Juergensen Sheets   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “I don’t want someone calling me 24/7, I want them to develop a fellowship out there that can also help to guide them.” ● “You can’t just stop negative behaviors, you have to replace them with something good.” ● “You can be in conflict but not withdraw.” ● “Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?”

Dr. Jenn Kennedy and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about finding satisfaction and intimacy after 50. They consider what it means to truly become a better person and partner, to evolve beyond betrayal toward empathy and intimacy. We often think that intimacy equals sex, but Dr. Kennedy challenges that notion and defines what a satisfied, committed relationship can really look like in the later years of life.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The impact of infidelity on a committed sexual relationship. [7:20] Infidelity in a mature vs. younger couple. [13:03] Intimacy, not just sex, is the ultimate goal. [17:40] From discovery to reconnecting sexually, eventually. [27:07] Moving from ‘I’m sorry to ‘I’m sorry I put you through that’. [32:40] Reintroducing touch and talking without the expectation of sex. [38:13] Scheduled sex and other tactics for navigating sexuality in older age. [43:20] Train your mind to choose your partner. [44:57] Battling the psychological landmine is not required to resume intimacy. [46:40] What if we just don’t want to have sex anymore?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Jenn Kennedy   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “The breakdown in intimacy after infidelity is real.” ● “If the addict doesn’t start to actually change and show some progress, their sex life probably isn’t going to change either.” ● “Wherever you place your focus, growth will occur.” ● “You can have great intimacy and not have sex.”

Dr. Jenn Kennedy joins Dr. Rob to explore a rarely discussed topic – sexuality for the more seasoned. Dr. Kennedy tackles the two main ‘D’s’ of sexuality that bring couples into therapy after 50, considers what ‘better’ sex really looks like, and shares some of the main talking points that should be discussed in any conversation about sexuality as we age. Because like it or not, these are issues that every person has to face as they get older.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:23] Dr. Kennedy’s third career tackles the topics that many therapist avoid. [4:50] Generalities in sexuality expectations and roles over 50. [8:35] Women over 50, their relationships and their sexuality. [10:42] Presenting problems that bring couples to Dr. Kennedy. [12:30] Dissatisfaction in a committed couple’s sex history. [18:50] Do men know how to ask for what they want? [24:05] Dysfunction is the greatest motivator for couples sex therapy. [28:38] What does ‘better sex’ really look like? [31:12] How body image impacts sexuality as we age.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Jenn Kennedy   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES: ● “The bedroom is a microcosm of the larger life.” ● “50 and beyond, more and more men are going to start having erectile dysfunction.” ● “The quality of the relationship has to feel work the tradeoff of the objectification of youth.” ● “When they’re able to articulate it, men say they want to be wanted.” ● “Your motivation to having sex matters.”

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce.  [3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways.  [7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges.  [10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain.  [11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation.  [13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process. [16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved.  [19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lindsey Stanley Dr. Stevie Hall   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.”  “You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.”  “There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.”  “Privacy and honesty are different things.” 

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall define and discuss therapeutic separation, an intentional process crafted to help bring about safety, stability, and individual and relational insight. They consider the different types of therapeutic separation, the benefits of each approach, and how separation can be the greatest gift that a betraying partner can offer their spouse.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Defining therapeutic separation as a structured and temporary step in recovery.  [3:55] Is active separation headed toward divorce?  [5:25] Different types of separation offer different benefits.  [7:35] Maintaining boundaries while living in roommate mode.  [9:20] Legal separation versus legal divorce.  [11:50] Permanent separation indicates maintaining a marriage that you don’t intend to reconcile.  [13:35] External and internal factors that motivate people to separate or not.  [15:34] Negotiating differing partner desires between reconciliation and divorce.  [17:36] Factors that contribute to a successful therapeutic separation.  [21:20] Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping your relationship heal.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lindsey Stanley Dr. Stevie Hall   Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Separation can allow you to disengage emotionally while you seek clarity and healing.”  “Permanent separation indicates that you are not pursuing reconciliation, but you are also not pursuing divorce.”  “At times there needs to be an intentional pause on the relationship because the cycle the couple is in is creating so much destruction.”  “Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping, and you are supporting.”