When Church Hurts: Healing from Spiritual Manipulation. Breaking free, rebuilding faith, & reclaiming peace

Have you experienced church hurt or spiritual abuse? Do you feel a deep need to examine what you've been taught and rebuild your faith on a solid foundation? Welcome to Fearless Deconstruction, a podcast for those ready to courageously break free from fear-based faith, truly reconstruct their understanding of God, and reclaim their peace. Host Melodi Kitzmiller understands the journey. She shares her own powerful story of deconstructing spiritual narratives not just once, but twice – in her 20s and again in her 40s. Many shy away from "deconstruction," but Melodi argues it's an essential, even sacred, process, much like remodeling a house: you must tear down what's old to build something stronger, more sound, and more beautiful. In this podcast, we'll explore: Why deconstruction is not something to fear, but a vital step towards healing and growth. How to differentiate God's unchanging love from the pain inflicted by human institutions. The process of rebuilding a faith that is rooted in truth, not deception or rigid legalism. Encouragement and practical insights for grieving spiritual wounds and moving forward. If you're questioning your spiritual environment, seeking healing from past harm, or simply desire a deeper, more authentic connection with God, this is your space. Join Melodi as she guides you through the process of dismantling what no longer serves you and rebuilding a spiritual foundation that will last. Tune in to Fearless Deconstruction: Reclaiming Your Spiritual Foundation – because true faith is built on truth, not fear. Find Me: https://melodikitzmiller.com/ Partial Transcript: I often think about deconstruction. Many people fear it, but to reconstruct anything, we must deconstruct. Like remodeling a house, we must remove the old to build back something better, more sound, and of higher quality. Reflecting on my journey through spiritual hurt and harm, I see myself reconstructing after deconstruction at least twice. Recently, an experience at church reminded me of who I am now. My childhood was marked by severe trauma and abuse. By 20, I was deeply wounded. My father, a pastor, was my abuser. Church was a constant presence, blending with spiritual abuse. He would verbally abuse me while invoking God, telling me I wasn't measuring up. This led to deep spiritual abuse wounds and possibly drew me to an abusive church environment later, as its rigidity mirrored my rigid home life. This was my 'normal.' Often, individuals leaving abusive relationships return to similar patterns. When abuse is your 'normal,' it can provide a false sense of comfort. This is why in my 30s, my husband and I returned to a legalistic church; despite its issues, its rigidity felt familiar. Both in my early 20s and my 40s, leaving legalistic church required tearing down old spiritual elements and ideas about God, making space for new, healthier ones—just like remodeling a house. Paul speaks of 'putting off' and 'putting on' in the epistles. If you don't 'put on' something new, something else will fill the space. The hope is that what you 'put on' is better and of higher quality. Reflecting on my years in my 'legalistic church' or 'bubble world,' I acknowledge both good and harmful elements. While I learned the Bible extensively, I also absorbed skewed interpretations. Nevertheless, those years grounded me deeply in scripture. I'm always curious why some leave legalism or spiritually abusive environments, with some maintaining their faith and others walking away entirely. My dissertation research focuses on spiritual abuse. One study I read examined older women who healed from such environments, identifying the dispositions that helped them remain connected to God. A key finding was their ability to separate God from the people and spiritual leaders who had harmed them...

Have you been told to "submit" without understanding the full context? In this episode of "When Church Hurts," host Melody Kitzmiller dives deep into the concept of power dynamics in faith leadership and marriage, exposing how biblical teachings on submission are often misrepresented. Learn to identify spiritual abuse, recognize when leaders are not representing God's heart, and discover how to protect yourself and reclaim your peace. We explore the often-overlooked responsibilities of leaders, God's true intentions for relationships, and why actions speak louder than words in evaluating faith leaders and spouses. Tune in to understand Ephesians 4 in a new light and break free from fear-based faith. If you are in an abusive environment, here are some ways to get help. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY: 1-800-787-3224 Live Chat: thehotline.org This is a great place to start because everyone who answers the phone or your chat will be equipped to offer you sound advice, and know the protective measures that can help you. Also, in every community, some individuals are obligated to help you. These include medical doctors, attorneys, and licensed therapists. A word of warning: while all of these professions are mandatory reporters of abuse, sometimes, if they are connected to the church, then you may find that they don't always do what they are mandated legally to do. For best results, always seek help from those who are not affiliated with the church. Every church has people who would help you well, but it is hard to discern who is who. In abusive situations, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

Have you been taught that joy is suspect and rest is lazy? Legalism can steal our delight, but God's heart for us is full of it. Join Melodi as she unpacks how rediscovering true rest and divine delight brought spiritual healing to her life, offering a roadmap for your own journey away from fear-based faith.

What if the holiness of God wasn’t something to fear—but a doorway to peace? In this episode of When Church Hurts, Melodi Kitzmiller explores the opening words of the Lord’s Prayer, “Hallowed be Thy name,” and how understanding God’s holiness through the lens of goodness, faithfulness, and kindness—not wrath—can transform our healing journey. You’ll hear biblical reflections on Jesus’ gentle responses to the Samaritan woman and the woman caught in adultery, contrasted with how legalistic pastors often weaponize holiness to instill fear and control. Melodi also shares powerful insights from narrative trauma therapy, offering a simple exercise to help you process church hurt in a healing way. This episode is a must-listen for anyone healing from spiritual abuse, untangling fear-based theology, or longing to see God as He truly is: faithful, tender, and good. Keywords: spiritual abuse, religious trauma, legalism, Lord’s Prayer, holiness of God, Jesus and the woman at the well, Christian therapy, narrative trauma therapy, faith deconstruction, Christian mental health 🔗 For more resources or to connect with Melodi, visit MelodiKitzmiller.com 🎧 Subscribe, leave a review, or share this episode to help more women find freedom and peace after church hurt.

You Were Never Meant to Live This Exhausted: 5 Areas of Self-Care After Spiritual Abuse Have you ever noticed how exhaustion has become the norm in the U.S.? It's as if our culture is built around the idea that if you're not busy, you're not doing life right. But I don’t believe this is how God designed us to live. Constant exhaustion isn’t holy. It isn’t noble. It’s just unsustainable. And if you’re healing from spiritual abuse—or any kind of trauma—taking care of yourself isn’t optional. It’s essential. Welcome to When Church Hurts, the podcast (and now this post!) where we break free from fear, rebuild faith, and reclaim our peace. I’m Melodi, and if you’ve ever felt crushed by legalism or controlled by church leadership… you are not alone. And you don’t have to walk this journey alone either. So today, I want to help you take one more healing step by talking about self-care—real, life-giving care for your whole self: body, mind, emotions, relationships, and spirit. And because I love giving you practical support, I’ve included a free resource with exercises and ideas for each area of self-care. You’ll find the link at the bottom of this post. Let’s dive !

Thank you for sharing such a powerful and heartfelt episode. Below is your **SEO-rich podcast show notes introduction**, followed by a **clean, formatted version of your transcript** that will be easier for readers to follow: What They Don’t Tell You About Joining an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church Have you ever felt spiritually suffocated in a church that claimed to offer freedom? In this episode of *When Church Hurts*, Christian trauma recovery specialist Melodi Kitzmiller explores the hidden truths behind Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. Drawing on research, personal experience, and psychological insight, she discusses how legalistic churches impact emotional and spiritual well-being—especially for women. You'll also hear about attachment styles, recovery from church trauma, and what to do when you feel like you can't breathe spiritually anymore. Whether you're deconstructing from legalism or healing from church hurt, this episode offers clarity, compassion, and hope. Keywords: IFB church abuse, spiritual trauma recovery, legalistic churches, mental health and religion, Christian counseling, religious guilt, church hurt healing Link to Journaling Prompts & Resources: 👉 [Visit Melodi’s Substack for prompts & healing tools](#) 👉 [Learn more at MelodiKitzmiller.com](https://melodikitzmiller.com) --- Show Transcript: Episode 9 – What They Don’t Tell You About Joining an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church Hi, I’m Melodi Kitzmiller. Welcome to *When Church Hurts*—the podcast where we break free from fear, rebuild faith, and reclaim peace. For some time now, I’ve wanted to write an article titled *So You Want to Join an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church?* While today’s episode isn’t quite that, I *have* been diving into research around IFB churches—and the results are both shocking and validating. --- Joining an IFB Church: My Story When I first called the church my family would attend for over a decade, I didn’t know what to ask. I simply said, “Are you a typical Baptist church?” The woman on the phone replied, “I don’t know what a normal Baptist church is.” That should’ve been my first clue. After leaving that legalistic environment, I visited another IFB church that was much healthier—kind, gracious, and without extra-biblical rules. Not all IFB churches are alike, and that’s part of the challenge: How do you know what you’re getting into? --- What the Research Says One study I found focused specifically on 24 young adults who had left IFB churches. Their well-being improved *after* leaving. That included emotional, physical, spiritual, and cognitive health. Why? The researchers noted that these individuals were no longer under rigid religious conformity. They gained freedom, emotional expression, and autonomy. This finding breaks my heart, especially when compared to broader studies showing that *most* churchgoers experience improved mental health when they join a faith community. So what’s different about IFB churches? --- Totalistic Control and “Expected Sacrifice Some studies described IFB churches as “totalistic”—where leadership invades every corner of a member’s life. In some, women were subjected to what researchers called *expected sacrifice.* These systems are deeply rigid and controlling, requiring conformity at the expense of personal values. This often forces members to abandon their identity or leave. And yes—leaving can come with consequences, including spiritual confusion or even abandoning faith entirely. But staying can mean emotional suffocation. I remember saying to my daughter after we left, “I can breathe.” And I hadn’t even realized I wasn’t breathing before. --- Attachment Styles and Legalism Let’s talk about attachment theory for a moment. A secure attachment forms when someone knows they are worth loving and can trust and

What happens when a pastor’s authority replaces your ability to choose? In this episode, The Silent Slavery of Spiritual Abuse, we dive deep into the quiet, devastating loss of freedom that women experience in controlling and legalistic churches. Drawing from research, lived experience, and biblical reflection, Melodi Kitzmiller shares how spiritual abuse can erase a woman’s autonomy, identity, and voice. You’ll hear real-life stories, a compassionate call to healing, and a bold challenge to the misuse of power in the church. If you’ve ever felt like your church demanded silence, submission, and conformity over freedom, safety, and Christlike love, then this episode is for you. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233.

In this episode, we use lectio divina (Divine Reading) to meditate on Psalm 121. One of the saddest things about spiritual abuse is the misuse of scripture. Grab a pen, paper, some colored pencils, or your knitting and join me for Psalm 121. Peaceful meditation on Scripture.

Does Mother’s Day leave you feeling anxious, unseen, or exhausted? You’re not alone. In this powerful episode, Melodi Kitzmiller discusses how legalistic church culture turned Mother’s Day into a day of pressure and performance instead of peace and rest. From early morning routines to impossible standards of the “Proverbs 31 woman,” Melodi reflects on how religious expectations can leave women emotionally and physically depleted. You’ll also learn how the limbic system reacts to stress, why your body might be carrying old religious trauma, and how to begin healing. Through breathing techniques, body awareness, and a compassionate view of Jesus, this episode offers a new way to approach Mother's Day—with grace. Whether you're processing spiritual abuse or trying to untangle faith from fear, this episode will help you reclaim your peace, reconnect with your body, and move toward healing. 👉 Visit MelodiKitzmiller.com for tools, journaling prompts, and support. Partial Transcript Episode 7 Does Mother's Day Have You Stressed? Learn About a Legalistic Mother's Day, The Limbic System and Finding Healing I looked down into my phone and I saw Mother's Day in five days. It still sends panic through my soul. My family would make Mother's Day wonderful for me, but church was almost always full of the to do lists of motherhood. When I was my legalistic church today, I'd like to share with you a way to process old mothers days. If you have experienced something like I have. to Wind Church Herts, the podcast where we break free from fear, rebuild faith and peace. I'm Melody Kitzmiller and I'm so glad you're here. Have you ever felt crushed by legalism? I have. Have you felt controlled by church leadership or struggled with religious guilt? I've struggled with those, too. And I want you to know you're not alone. beginning to question or if you're in a spiritually abusive environment. Don't worry. Together, we will learn about what makes a church leader abusive or determine if it's just simply a difficult church, which isn't simple at all. Either way, welcome to my podcast. Let's get started. when we all sat eagerly scribbling down find the things that we were doing wrong. Every mother in the notes about how we could find and raise our children to love him. No mistakes could be kids would suffer, maybe they even end up in heaven with us. Mother's day was Day In counseling, we call that living in the mind because in two different directions. So as I as I what was happening my body and I want to talk to you a little bit about happening in your body. See, there was a therapist who that he had that noticed what was as therapy was progressing got better than who didn't notice. I want you to notice what's happening in your that our body is in stress. We can make changes to what's happening bodies are So if during this podcast you find yourself and your body feeling tense, take a few minutes and breathe. I typing out what I I inhaled for one, two, and then I for one, two, three, four. And then I exhaled to the count of four. And then I held my breath to the count of four. And then I did it all Hold your Exhale. breath. is much lighter. Sometimes I'm still surprised at how much I am troubled by the things that occurred regularly in my legalistic world. It is no wonder that I suffered with debilitating headaches during that time. I was sick with a headache 3 to 5 days every week of my life. They were go to bed and hope that it goes away. Kinds of headaches. But since I left in 2012, I have not had any weeks with And now I rarely get Our bodies in that church as we worked hard to please those at church. But you know who? We never work to please ourselves. In fact, even Day a day take care of I who had three They were all age of four. One was a newborn, me one time that she would wake up every morning. Now think She has a Newborns don't sleep. So that meant this mom wasn't sleeping. But she still got up. At 5 a.m., she would make a cup of tea a

If you’ve ever wondered whether your anxiety makes you a bad Christian, this episode is for you. Many women raised in conservative churches have been told that fear is a failure of faith, but that’s not what Scripture actually shows us. In this gentle episode, we look at the truth behind false guilt, the emotional distress Jesus experienced in Gethsemane, and what God really means when He says “fear not.” You’ll discover why anxiety is not a sin and how God draws near in your distress—not away. This is a gentle word for your anxious heart. Scripture references include Luke 22:44, Matthew 6:34, Philippians 4:6–7, and Isaiah 41:10. Visit MelodiKitzmiller.com for more resources, support, and free tools for your healing journey.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of being silenced, dismissed, or devalued in church, this episode is for you. In Episode 2 of When Church Hurts: Healing from Spiritual Abuse, Melodi Kitzmiller guides you through how to identify the marks of a safe and spiritually healthy church after experiencing spiritual abuse, legalism, or toxic leadership. Sharing her own personal experiences—from being overlooked in conversations to witnessing church leaders protect abusers—Melodi walks you through the biblical signs of wisdom from above based on James 3:17. Learn how to evaluate a new church by asking: Does this church feel safe and pure? Is the environment truly peaceful, not just quiet? Is the leadership gentle and willing to listen? Is mercy shown to the vulnerable—not just the powerful? Are the fruits of the Spirit visible in leadership and culture? Is there zero tolerance for partiality and hypocrisy? This episode offers a practical, trauma-informed, and Scripture-centered approach to help women of faith navigate the difficult journey of rebuilding trust in church spaces. Whether you’re searching for a new church or trying to make sense of past hurt, you’ll leave this conversation equipped with discernment—and reminded that you are not alone. As always, you can find me at MelodiKitzmiller.com

It's In the Notes Introduction In this episode, we will explore why Bill Gothard's umbrella of protection was wrong. It missed the mark, since Jesus loves us immeasurably. It is never what we do that gives us favor with God; rather, it is that we have put our trust in Him. Sadly, Gothard's umbrellas told a different story. Links My Website: https://melodikitzmiller.com Do you need help getting unstuck from the spiritual myths that hold you prisoner? Don't wait another minute. Reach out today to schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation to see if I would be a good fit to walk with you during your healing journey. Thank you for listening to the show. Please like and subscribe to the show, as it is an easy way for you to support the work we are doing and help others break free, rebuild their faith, and reclaim peace.

This episode of When Church Hurts focuses on recognizing the red flags of a toxic or unhealthy church, using the public case of Micah Francis Miller as an example. The host, Melody Kitzmiller, discusses several red flags from the case, including the pastor's lack of compassion in announcing Micah's death, his control over the church community and demand for secrecy, and his minimizing of grief. The lack of accountability and shaming from the pulpit are also highlighted as warning signs. In this episode, I discuss the topic of spiritual abuse and how it can impact individuals who leaders in the church have hurt. I share my own experience and guide individuals who are struggling to navigate and heal from this type of abuse. I also offer support and resources for those who may need additional help. Remember, you are not alone; there is hope for healing and finding a safe space to process your experiences. Connect with me: MelodiKitzmiller.com

Have you ever had a moment where your past and present collide—and healing finally begins? In today’s deeply personal episode, I’m sharing a story I didn’t plan to tell. A story that began in my childhood with spiritual abuse I didn’t even recognize at the time—and came full circle this very morning. As I sat down in church beside a familiar face—my old youth choir director—I was flooded with memories. Memories of singing a solo at age 16, of being used by God to speak truth, and of the harsh words that followed from my spiritually abusive father. But I was also reminded of grace—of how God uses kind people and unexpected moments to remind us of His love. This is my journey of facing the pain, finding peace, and seeing how God authors redemption, even in the hardest places. We talk about: How spiritual abuse can start earlier than we realize What it feels like when God uses you—and the enemy attacks afterward The difference one kind, faithful person can make in your healing How childhood trauma and faith can collide—and how Jesus still meets us in both What it means when your story comes full circle If you've experienced spiritual abuse, childhood trauma, or wondered how God could still be good in the middle of your story—this episode is for you. 📣 Call to Action: If this episode resonated with you, would you share it with someone who needs to hear they’re not alone? Subscribe so you never miss a moment of healing, truth, and peace. And leave a review—it helps others find this space too. 🔎 SEO Keywords (for metadata & discoverability): spiritual abuse podcast, healing from religious trauma, church hurt recovery, Christian podcast for women, childhood trauma and faith, emotional healing, grace after abuse, faith and family wounds, spiritual healing stories, finding peace in faith, Christian trauma support. Find me at MelodiKitzmiller.com

Announcing a new podcast: When Church Hurts: Healing from Spiritual Abuse. If the church has hurt you, I want you to know that you are not alone. Join me as we find who God truly is and how much He loves us.

🎙️ Episode 1: Why “When Church Hurts”? My Journey to Healing Description: In this deeply personal first episode, I share my journey through spiritual abuse, legalism, and heartbreaking loss and how God gently led me out of fear and into freedom. From conferences that promised spiritual success to a controlling church that crossed every boundary after the loss of my husband, I open up about the red flags I missed, the guilt I carried, and the moment God told me to wake up. If you’ve ever felt trapped in a church that left you anxious, silenced, or afraid this episode is for you. You are not crazy. You are not alone. This episode is the beginning of a healing conversation. Together, we’ll break free from fear-based faith, reclaim peace, and learn to trust God again. Keywords: Spiritual abuse, legalism, Bill Gothard, IBLP, faith and fear, church hurt, religious trauma, grief and faith, fundamentalism, Christian podcast, healing from toxic churches, women in conservative churches, trauma-informed faith, reconstructing faith. You can expect topics such as healing, grief, boundaries, finding healthy churches, and reclaiming a faith rooted in peace—not pressure. If you’re hurting, I want you to know that healing is possible. Faith doesn’t have to feel like fear. Subscribe, share, and come back each week—we’re in this together. Connect with Me: Website: MelodiKitzmiller.com X: @MelodiKitzmillr Substack: melodikitzmiller.substack.com Help This Podcast Reach Others: If this episode encouraged you, please: Subscribe & Follow Leave a review Share with a friend who needs healing too Together, we’re breaking free, rebuilding faith, and reclaiming peace

Spiritual abuse can feel like we are wrong, like we are alone, or that we are crazy, but we are not. Join the podcast When Church Hurts: Healing from Spiritual Abuse. This podcast will teach us to break free from fear-based religion, reconstruct our faith, and reclaim our peace. Don't wait! Subscribe now!