Are We There Yet?

Katy Gosset introduces a new series on the Pleasures, Pratfalls and Practical Lessons of Parenting in the Modern World.Katy Gosset takes a fresh look at the challenges of parenting in a changing world in the first episode of Are We There Yet? Wanted: Committed mothers and fathers for demanding, full-time positionsWork will include cooking, cleaning and attending to the bodily functions and psychological needs of a dependent.You will be committed to top quality and engaging child rearing techniques, balancing emotional intelligence with a high threshold for being judged and ridiculed. A comprehensive general knowledge, covering everything from childhood illnesses and social media platforms through to Sponge Bob Square Pants and other inexplicable pop cultural references is a must.You'll be calm under pressure and in the face of extreme untidiness, bringing order and compassion to stressful situations, and negotiating tight deadlines and thankless tasks with ease, possibly whilst half-asleep. A strong, broadcast quality voice is essential for the regular and repetitive reading of bedtime stories and the delivery of firm rules.Remuneration: Nil (although some emotions may occur naturally, including, but not limited, to love, excitement, exhilaration and fear, tempered with exhaustion).Please note: This position includes shift-work.Apply Now: (The faint hearted need not bother).It's a Tough Job but someone's got to do It...Ever felt like you've got all the answers?How about a miraculous manual on parenting tucked under your pillow?No? OK then, chances are, like most parents, you've embarked on the great adventure that is child-rearing equipped only with the best of intentions, plenty of enthusiasm and perhaps a dash of trepidation. But what follows can sometimes best be described a roller coaster.'You kind of feel like you're bumbling your way through really. There isn't a manual for kids and it's hard to know if you're doing the right thing really. And sometimes you're not," - mother of two Parenthood has always been exciting, rewarding and just a little terrifying, but in 2017 the challenges have changed.The intricacies of the Internet, social media and an increasingly fast-paced life can make parenting a stressful business.Are We There Yet? examines some of the pressing issues parents face today, contrasted with historical audio, courtesy of Archives New Zealand and Ngā Taonga Sound and Vision."It really is hard. It's like you've got to be the answer to everything and you can't answer everything can you ? I love it though," - mother of four…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

What to do when your child talks back. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a child psychologist about "oppositional behaviour" and tackling the 'tude.What do you do when your child talks back? Katy Gosset looks at tackling the 'tude in the second episode of Are We There Yet.We've all had it. Whether it was a slammed door, a "you're not the boss of me" or just a big, fat "no".As parents we might know it as attitude, 'tude, back chat or talking back. But, for clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher, it's oppositional behaviour.And she says kids know just how to dish it out."They learn what your hot spots are and they'll use them mercilessly. That's not because they're evil - they're doing it because it works."First up, let's clarify just what oppositional behaviour is. Ms Gallagher says, in short, it's doing the opposite of what someone has said that you should do."Things like talking back, digging your toes in and not doing the jobs, or going on the go-slow or arguing back: all of the above."And for parents it can be maddening."There's the slamming doors and they'll just go off to their room and we'll say, 'Well, if you do that one more time I'll take your door off your hinge,' and then there's more aggro," one mother of four told us."You just have to draw a line in the sand and let them know it's not acceptable," a father of two said.Ms Gallagher believes some of the tension arises because parenting is such a personal business."These little creatures, we love them to bits. So, when they look at us like we're a piece of poo on their shoe and 'how dare you even say that' and 'I don't love you' - all of those things that kids can provocatively say because they know it's going to hit a mark - it can be incredibly challenging."But, she says, the reasons behind this kind of conflict can come as a surprise to parents."Sometimes oppositional behaviour can come from 'I just don't know what to do'."It's easy for parents to assume a child is refusing to do an activity because they simply don't want to do it, she says."In actual fact, it might be, 'I'm not ringing up that friend on the phone because I'm anxious.' Or, 'I don't actually know how to do that. I never practised ringing someone on the phone. What do you say? What might they say?'"So oppositional behaviour can come from a lack of skill."Ms Gallagher says it can also occur when parents put unrealistic expectations onto children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Did your delicious dinner get the "Yuck!" treatment? Katy Gosset talks to families about fussy eating and a clinical psychologist serves up some tips.'Why can't my child just eat a vegetable?' is the refrain of many parents. Katy Gosset examines the fraught issue of fussy eating in the third episode of Are We There Yet. ListenWhen did you last dish up a disgusting meal?If you've got children, chances are it's happened in the last week.We might imagine ourselves to be good cooks but our kids say otherwise, banning broccoli and brussels sprouts from their plates, spurning sauces and spices and issuing insults like there's no tomorrow."My younger child, he would just refuse to try any foods and he would just say 'It's yucky' - mother of two."They probably ate vegetables up until about 18 months and then it was like their taste buds came in and it was 'Nah!' - mother of two."I don't know what it is. They just don't like anything now. It's like you've basically got to cook up a My Kitchen Rules dinner for them or something and they might eat it" - mother of four.Little wonder then that parents resort to creative solutions."I'd mix things in with other things so they wouldn't notice what they were, like cauliflower ... maybe slice it really thin and put it in with mashed potato" - mother of four."They both love to bake so I put things like pumpkin in scones or grated zucchini in cakes as ways of getting vegetables into them" - mother of two.Is something wrong with our cooking? Why do our children reject the meal in the first place? Catherine GallagherClinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher has spent years working with parents on feeding issues and says there can be many reasons for fussy eating.But it usually begins with biology."It starts with sensory sensitivities. It can start with reflux. It can start with allergies... and then some kids just don't love food."Others may reject a certain food because it resembles or reminds them of another disliked item.Children are reacting to both their biology and the anxiety it generates, Ms Gallagher says."So if I've eaten food or had stuff go into my tummy and then I've felt sick, then I'm going to develop ways to go "'Bleurrgh... keep that out of my face'."The child's reaction then provokes anxiety in his or her parents, she says.She experienced this first hand when taking her own child to Plunket to be weighed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Phones, tablets, laptops, whatever the device, your children will want to get their hands on it. Katy Gosset tackles the struggle against screen time.Phones, tablets, laptops, whatever the device, your children will want to get their hands on it. In the fourth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents about the struggle against screen time."Your time is up !"That's the catch cry of parenting today.Once it might have been "Dinner time", "Time to go to school", "Time to brush your teeth, go to bed ...etc, etc."Now it's all about screen time.How much are my children getting ? Are they getting too much ? And is it affecting their brains ?In the struggle against screens, some have switched off entirely."For probably about a year we've had no television for the kids , when they go to their grandparents they binge actually on TV to make up for the TV they don't get at our place." Father of two"They can turn on the TV themselves so I actually completely unplug it.. It was very challenging probably at the start he'd be like "I want TV, I want the Ipad" but I would just sure I was there to be able to interact with him, play with him distraction techniques." Mother of twoOthers with older children have had to monitor online activities closely"We stop at 9.00pm. They can have it after school when they come home but no phones at the dinner table.ever." Mother of fourAnd then there are outside influences... Listen to Are We There Yet?"My younger kid, he's probably the one that I worry about more and he's also much more influenced by other kids and what they're doing- like shown how to access a porn site."He wasn't interested in it but other kids were showing him and he thought that was what you had to do." Mother of two.So how much is too much ?Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher said, ironically, she found good information online about age appropriate screen time durations, courtesy of the American Academy of Pediatrics."They had some findings: under 18 months: apparently none. In between two and five: one hour a day and between six and 18 up to two hours a day."Ms Gallagher said, while these were useful guidelines, they could also promote guilt."I read that and automatically thought 'my children are going to be disadvantaged because they've certainly had more than that.'"She believed screen time was neither good or bad: it was about striking the balance…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In an increasingly anxious world, some young people are turning to self- harm. Katy Gosset asks a clinical psychologist how to cope with cutting.In an increasingly anxious world, some young people are turning to self- harm. In the fifth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to cope with cutting.We expected meltdowns, slammed doors and sulking. But not this.Self-harm is the silent, scary issue no parent really sees coming."I was gutted, really upset. I just couldn't understand why she was doing it and worried that it might lead to something else... I was sad for her." Mother of four"It started in a very minor way but it became an obsession. It became her way of coping with, she told me many times, the pain inside her head. So causing physical pain was a release to her." Mother of two These mothers found ways to help their children and both daughters are on the path to recovery but one woman vividly recalls the emotion she felt upon seeing what her child had done."I was just devastated. I just couldn't understand it. At first I'd get really angry." Her daughter began to self-harm while in hospital receiving treatment for a serious eating disorder."I remember one of the first times I'd come in after she'd just done it. I just wanted it to disappear and I was quite unsympathetic with her.""I said] "What are you doing ? We 're trying to help you and here you are sabotaging it. I didn't understand what it was about."Things got worse before they got better.Her daughter's self-harm culminated in two suicide attempts.However, after medical intervention and many months away from class, the teenager has now started afresh in a new school with a different group of friends.Yet her mother says the physical scars remain on her daughter's body and the experience has also left its mark on those around her."How do you manage the stress and impact on the family ? How do you, as a working mother, manage your full-time job and still manage to rock up every morning and not fall apart. It's huge "She said dealing with self-harm was also lonely as many family members and friends struggled to understand and often said the wrong thing."Why can't she just do this ?" or "Give her to me for a week and I'll get her fixed."The mother said ultimately she ended up withdrawing socially and feeling she couldn't keep up with friends or coffee groups…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

School thugs or spiteful secrets - whatever form of bullying they face, children need help. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist about beating the bullies.Smacked around by schoolyard thugs or the target of spiteful secrets. Whatever form it takes, bullying is horrible for children and heart breaking for their parents. In the sixth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to beat the bullies. For parents it's a dirty word.Worse than swearing.When they hear "bully" it's hard not to react."It's heart breaking to see your child going through this. It's hard to what it is about her that made people feel they could do that to her." Mother of three"Her entire school life was, dare I say it, really bitchy girls who just wanted to bring her down." Mother of twoAnd bullying comes in many guises.Many may be visualising a physical encounter: the school yard stand over tactics. And yes, that still happens, as one mother found when her son was targeted by "the classic threesome group of bullies""You get the lead who definitely sets the pace and then you get the followers that do it because their mate's cool and he's doing it so it must be cool."These bullies targeted everyone in their year group until her son stood up to them and became their sole focus."It all came to a bit of a head when he was beaten up in class before the teacher got there. Luckily some kid who wasn't supposed to have their phone on videoed it so they had video evidence"But then there's the nasty, insidious sort of bullying, often done by girls, that amounts to being left out of the gang."I remember this - I hate the word "popular" - group, but she was always so desperate to be part of that group which just used to enrage me.""Being accepted by them was huge to her."And this mother said her daughter's desire to fit in made her vulnerable."She was like a beacon for those other kids. They could just sense a weakness."She said the girls bullied her daughter by excluding her from social activities and talking about the events later and, in one case, boycotting her 14th birthday party sleepover.He daughter was excited about having the "popular" group come over but two days before the party they all contacted her to say they couldn't come."It was a very manipulative, bitchy, degrading, consistent bullying where it was just constant.""So it was a very lonely experience for her."So How Can Children and Their Parents Beat the Bullies ?…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Life changes don't come much bigger than having a baby. But with the excitement comes stress. Katy Gosset looks at coping with a new baby. When it comes to life changes, it doesn't get much bigger than having a baby. But with the excitement comes stress. In Episode Seven of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset looks at coping with a new baby and what to do when you find you're not coping. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When you're preparing for a baby, along with all the other information you get, there's a thing called a "layette".It's a funny word (it comes from the Old French term for a drawer) but, essentially, it's a kind of checklist of all the clothes and accessories your new baby will need:- Nappies- Babygros- Tiny woollen vests - Muslin cloths ... etc etc,.. you get the pictureShame no-one really tells you about that OTHER post-baby checklist:- Sleep deprivation (leading to general exhaustion)- Anxiety- The sense that you haven't a clue what you're doing- Did I mention exhaustion?And so on ...Obviously, you love your baby and it's all very exciting but it is tiring and the sudden change to your lifestyle can come as a bit of shock."When baby arrived it was all sunshine and rainbows for the first few weeks and then reality hit and it all came crumbling down." - Mother of two"The complete and utter change in your life is quite amazing and that's something you don't really get your head around until it happens." - Father of one"Some people really love that young baby stage and I'm just a different person and that didn't suit me." - Mother of twoSo coping with a new baby can be tough but what happens when we find that, actually, we're not coping? I'm now finding that all the pressures of life just seem to be quite overwhelming. - Mother of twoFor one mother things came to a head when she won a $250 voucher in a prize draw."Normally you'd feel pretty excited, pretty stoked that you'd basically won $250 and I just a felt a little bit of surprise, a little bit of disbelief."She realised that she was increasingly numb and was no longer really feeling emotions.It made her concerned that she might not be able to appreciate her child's development."I thought to myself, how awful would it be if my daughter reached a milestone like rolling over and I just think to myself "Wow, Whoopee." I couldn't stand the thought of that."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

What are our children eating ? And what if they're actually not eating much at all ? Katy Gosset talks to parents about the rise of eating disorders.What are our children eating ? And what should we do if we find that, actually, they're not eating very much ? Social media feeds mean young people face more pressure to look a certain way. In Episode Eight of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset looks at the rise of eating disorders.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We all have our preferences, let's face it.And. yes, there are certain vegetables that may never win a popularity contest. (Hello brussels sprouts !)And yet we need this stuff: a broad range of vegetables, grains, fats and carbohydrates. So how, then, do we deal with a growing suspicion that our offspring, usually an older and more independent child, may be skipping some of these key food groups altogether?"She was very, very clever about hiding her body for some time in very baggy clothes." Mother of twoAnd how do we steer our child away from an unhealthy relationship with food ?"I try to tell her she's beautiful be herself but it's really hard because there's always just "No, I don't want to do it because I'm fat." Mother of fourAnd in the case of one daughter, there were many ploys used to mask just how her attitude towards food had changed."When I questioned her, she very cleverly would just retort "Oh Mum, you don't need to worry, I went to Subway after school" or "We shared pizza at lunchtime as well""There was always something to try and take me off track."This daughter suffered a stomach injury while horse riding and that provided another excuse to avoid food.But her mother's nagging fears continued and she contacted specialists, desperate to find a reason why her daughter couldn't eat.Eventually matters came to a head during a visit to the family's GP."We basically backed her into a corner and he just said "You're choosing not to eat." A Devastating DiagnosisThe impact of this revelation came as a tremendous shock for the girl's parents."It was a huge, huge deal to me. My husband and I just about collapsed."The pair felt a mixture of disbelief at the diagnosis and relief at finally having a name for their daughter's struggle.But it was still a shock to grasp the extent of the eating disorder when the mother unintentionally saw her daughter undressed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Changing roles, gender stereotypes and being the only bloke at the coffee morning. Katy Gosset looks at the pressures on modern dads.Changing roles, gender stereotypes and being the only bloke at the coffee morning. Modern fathers have more options to spend time with their children but that can bring different pressures and expectations. In this episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset looks at navigating fatherhood in 2017.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We've all seen them - men jogging behind prams or striding about with tiny babies in front packs strapped to broad chests.The modern dad often looks effortlessly comfortable in this role.But fathers can find it just as tricky as mothers to adjust to the change in lifestyle."You don't have much of a chance to go out. Most of the conversation revolves around the baby. That's all great but it's completely different to what life was like beforehand." Father of one"You're going to be at home a lot. You'll be at home for some hours sometimes in the middle of the day. I a lot of activity so I found that quite a shock." Father of twoThey'll find themselves too in different environments; coffee groups, music sessions and, more often than not, surrounded by women.It takes a bit of getting used to..."I remember going to a music thing at a local church with our baby. It was all women. I was the only guy and I just felt so isolated. It was a really unpleasant experience." Father of twoFor another man, the women present were "super supportive" but he was aware of other, less positive, anecdotes."I've heard stories of family rooms where fathers have been present and mothers have scoffed at their arrival into the room but it's never happened to me." Father of two."You have these funny little interactions: "Oh Daddy Day Care is it today?" That sort of stuff used to wind me up a bit." Father of two.Also irksome were double standards from stay at home mums. In one man's case he saw a local mother several times as he walked to various chores."She said "Do you do any work?" I just thought "Wow, Really ? Yeah, quite a bit."He found it an odd comment from a fellow stay-at-home parent."What was her expectation that, because I was a guy I should be working as well ? I found that wound me up quite bit." And then there were the societal expectations that men felt to be a certain kind of dad…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why won't my child go to bed ? What if she wakes in the night ? And what about nightmares ? Katy Gosset explores the battleground known as bedtime.Why won't my child go to bed ? What if she wakes in the night ? And what about nightmares ? For many parents bedtime is a battle ground. In Episode Ten of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset looks at the struggle to sleep.Listen to the full podcast here:Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We've all been there.Whether it's sitting for ages in a child's bedroom, murmuring soothing words ...Offering "just one more story"...Or listening, anguished, to crying from another room, whilst bargaining with our partner or spouse: "No, you go this time," "It's your turn."And our children can be at their most resourceful when it comes to subverting the night time ritual. "They try lots of tricks, like more stories or even tidying to try and prevent going to bed" - Father of three, stepfather of three more.For babies and young children habits form and it can be up to parents to break them. "With the twins, they reached nine months and they still weren't sleeping through the night and I was so tired" - Mother of sixAnd for this mother, allowing them to cry while her husband continued to check on them soon brought results."After three days they were sleeping all night long. I kicked myself for not doing it sooner. Nine months of waking up all the time is just insane."As children age, their bedtime varies but when they get cranky, an early bedtime is often a good idea."The earlier the better, it just goes downhill the later it gets and the grumpier they get or the more amped they are" - Father of three, stepfather of three more. And parents have to accept that children are individuals and will have different needs"I like to sleep a lot and I know two of my children are the same as me. Whereas other ones in the family, when they get tired, they run around like lunatics and they get really hyper" - Mother of sixLearning to SettleClinical Psychologist and mother of two Catherine Gallagher knows first-hand what it's like when a child won't sleep."It wasn't 'til I was a parent of a new born with reflux that I realised why sleep deprivation was a torture strategy."And it's torturous because, young or old, we all need sleep."Sleep is vital for brain development and physical health. So we need our babies to sleep for both their health and our sanity."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When a couple breaks up it's hard for everyone, but Katy Gosset finds parents can help ease the pain for their children by putting them first.When a couple breaks up, it's hard for everyone, not least any children caught in the cross-fire. But parents can help ease the pain by putting their kids first. In episode eleven of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset talks to separated Mums and Dads about how to make co-parenting work.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When a relationship ends, the mad juggle that most parents already face goes into overdrive.Suddenly you're also managing your own feelings of grief, while helping to support children and thinking about a new home and new way of life."It was hectic and a crazy time - the actual separation." - Father/stepfather of six"You've got the emotional side of breaking up with someone but you're also feeling really, really guilty for the children." - Mother of three"The kids were really confused. They didn't know what was happening, even though we explained it quite a few times." - Father/stepfather of sixThere are new routines to get used to and ways of easing the blow for children"I think the fact that they got to see their Dad a lot really helped and that became quite normal for them after a time." - Mother of three"We still go to all the kids' events together. new partner comes along and that just shows to your children that despite the fact that their parents aren't living together anymore, they're still a united front for them (the children)." - Mother of two"There were times when it was hard for everyone but the more consistent the plan was, the better it was for them." - Father/stepfather of sixAnd parents also have to adjust to their new lives."I was terrified of not seeing all the time. That, to this day, is still the most unnatural feeling in the world." - Mother of two"That guilt would come in and I'd be feeling almost like failed at the family situation and that would make it pretty tough at times." - Mother of three"I love my children immensely and I like them so I've always wanted to be around them. And so three nights a week I'm not and I hate it." - Mother of twoAnd then there are feelings of frustration or anger towards former partners or spouses which really shouldn't be articulated in front of children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How can we best help our children grow and develop, without losing sight of who they actually are? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about the R&D of child rearing.How can we best help our children grow and develop, without losing sight of who they actually are? In Episode 12 of Are We There Yet?, Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about the R&D of child rearing.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It was the schoolyard slur at some point in my youth: "Go grow a brain, why don't you ?!"And, obviously, no one wanted to appear deficient in that area.And for parents, brain and cognitive development, social skills and awareness are all on the radar as things we must teach our children.But how exactly?Cue a flurry of activities, designed to create a well-rounded child..."I played a tonne of classical music when the kids were little. I believe it helps make neurons connect. I don't know the exact science of it but I think music is good." Mother of two."Oh definitely reading. If you can do lots of reading, it's fantastic." Mother of six.He loves running round the house, running round the car and I'll chase him around. We'll play dinosaurs so it's physical coordination things." Father of two.Naturally, as parents, we tend to introduce our own interests first"One of the kids is very interested in gardening and I like gardening. So I think, do things that you like and get the kids involved with it." Mother of six."I guess I'm very pro getting children outdoors and into nature and just climbing and jumping." Mother of two."We got a welder for Christmas the 12-year-old made a bike. He got an electric wheel from the Internet, welded a frame together and he drives around on it." Mother of six.But children, funnily enough, have minds of their own and preferences and personalities too."Our nine year old loves to sew so he made Christmas stockings last year. We got an old sewing machine from the op shop that he can use and he had a go." Mother of six."We pushed them into surfing because we love surfing. The oldest is incredibly competitive and she's really good now. The middle one just likes to look pretty and walk down the beach with a surfboard and the little one is crazy. She'll just go on the biggest wave possible." Father of three.How much is too much?So children need stimulation to grow, but clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher believes it's the balance that counts…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Katy Gosset is back - with psychologist Catherine Gallagher and a bunch of parents - to give us hope as we deal with our kids. New episodes here from Thursday 12 AprilGo to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Anxiety can silence many children and, as the anxiety gets bigger, people's lives get smaller. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids face their worries head on.Anxiety, anxiety everywhere, but not always a lot of help for parents trying to get their kids through it. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist about how to help children face their fears head-on.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.First things first. If your child is anxious about ...Social rejection... driving a car... feeling pressured ... dogs... performing... earthquakes ... being perfect ... staying away from home ... wind... spiders...You are not alone.These are just some of the many themes troubling young people today."My son had quite, not extreme, but moderately difficult anxiety. If he was at school and had to take a message to another class he would be panicking, even if he knew the teacher" Mother of two."Anxiety, that's a big issue, with our youngest one. It came after the quakes. Then wind and rain. She had trouble going to school a lot of days." Mother of four."If we go somewhere and people are trying new things she will sit back, afraid of people watching her so it's a self-esteem thing. She worries that people might laugh at her." Mother of three.And sometimes the anxiety brings on a physical reaction."It's almost like she just freezes. I know the signs in her straight away when she's starting to feel a bit uncomfortable and panicking." Mother of three.This can make parents want to step in and protect their children."It's really holding her back in quite a lot of things which is frustrating for me to watch but I can understand how she's feeling so I do the best I can to help her through it." Mother of three.Understanding It So the good news first: Anxiety is hugely common.OK, that's not really good news but anxiety is also both normal and completely necessary.So says clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, who regularly sees young people with anxiety issues.Mr Gallagher says it's completely understandable that parents want to protect their children by stepping in and reducing uncomfortable feelings and experiences.But there are other things they can do.Number One is gaining a solid understanding of what actually drives anxiety.Raising the AlarmIt all starts with our built-in alarm system."Like most living people we need an alarm system to signal threat."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Most kids just want to fit in but many feel thwarted by social anxiety. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how children can navigate social interactions.Most kids just want to fit in - join in games, hang out with friends and know what to say. But many are thwarted by social anxiety. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to help children handle social interactions.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Most teenagers are ruled by their social lives.But if 19 year old Lucy*, who suffers from social anxiety, kept a diary, there wouldn't be too much in it.Her mother, Sarah*, says Lucy turned down most invitations, not because she didn't like her friends but because social gatherings made her too anxious. "If she's invited to something she goes into total panic because she knows she's going to have to deal with a crowd of people so then I get tears and anxiety and panic attacks that are quite severe sometimes," Sarah says.Sometimes Lucy's whole body shakes as the anxiety takes hold."She actually said to me she sometimes feels like she almost leaves her body, and I guess that's her coping mechanism to try and deal with what's going on."Sarah says social anxiety has held her daughter back in many ways, preventing her from trying new activities."She will sit back, afraid of people watching her so it's a self-esteem thing. She feels people might laugh at her."Lucy often watches other, younger children trying new things and feels frustrated that she can't bring herself to join in, Sarah says."It's quite a crippling thing and I don't know if people know how crippling it is, the anxiety."Social anxiety is often driven by perfectionism and a fear of criticism or rejection by others, says clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."Underlying it are often fears that something is wrong with us or we will do something wrong, such as making a mistake, going red in the face or performing poorly."People with social anxiety worry that these mistakes will be exposed to others and they'll be judged negatively, Catherine says."Our worry brains can tell us we need to be perfect or flawless or, to the other extreme, we're destined for an epic YouTube-worthy fail and there's no in between."So anxious brains are often black and white brains - we're either on fire or it's a complete disaster."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end. Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end.Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It may not be celebrated like the first smile or the first unsteady steps, but your toddler's first wee on a toilet is a significant step.When it's not happening, that's an even bigger deal. "Peeing and pooing" are among the issues that create the most worry for parents, says clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."If you're so stressed about it, this can make the whole thing hard to deal with calmly."Good resources by organisations, such as Plunket, are readily available, but the concern for parents came from knowing when and how to apply the information, Gallagher says."Like all parenting decisions, the sources of information that can advise what we should do are many and varied and this can make us feel really confused about what is the right thing."What made things harder is children are "never textbook" and sometimes don't fit the conventional mould."Sometimes our kids step outside the curve."Some resources are aimed at so-called "normal developmental curves", she says.Many parents feel as though they're in competition with other parents who appear to be more successful at toilet training their children."Sometimes there can feel like no more ruthless a judge than another mother whose son is happily running around in his undies."Parents often feel huge anxiety about their role and milestones provided a point of comparison, which leads some to feel they are getting things wrong."Not being quite right does not mean "wrong". It's just a lovely, grey area where we spend a lot of our time as human beings." It's important to build strong support networks, Gallagher says."Because I think if you hope and expect that all parents are going to be on the same team, you're going to be sorely disappointed."The anxiety of the task means parents could make themselves feel safer and more confident through comparison with others, she says."If we can look at someone else and go "Phew, at least we're doing better than they are. At least we're not stuffing it up too much'."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Facing puberty, fitting in at school. It can be hard work for kids. But it's harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child. Growing up, facing puberty, fitting in at school. It's all hard work for kids. But it can be harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Tom* was three years old when he started asking for male genitalia.At the time his parents thought he was a girl.Tom's father, David*, said his child's sense of who he was arrived along with the ability to communicate."As soon as she could verbalise gender, it was obvious that she was a he."And as time passed, it was also clear this was no passing fad."At first my wife and I thought that we had a tomboy but it's way beyond that."So much so that his child was uncomfortable with a girl's body, preferring to bathe wearing underpants."For me it's sad when you see a kid not being able to take a bath. It's obviously a coping mechanism."Last year Tom started primary school - as a boy.David said there had been some grieving by the family but as Tom's happiness improved, theirs did too. One big moment was Tom's first hair cut as a boy."The weight that came off our child's shoulders, the sense of acceptance, the excitement."For eight year old Juliet* it was a similar experience.Her mum Ana* said her son was always different from his brothers. She recalled him first telling her how."She was jumping on our couch wearing a tutu and she was saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl" and at the time he was a boy to us".Juliet gradually became unhappy with her life as a boy."Things got difficult and bad and there were tummy aches and cries. And then the crying became every night and the tummy aches became severe."At first Ana thought her son might be gay. "I was very comfortable with the idea that he may grow up to be a gay man. I thought his life would be happy and society was making progress and that by the time he was an adult he would be fine."But doubts lingered."In the back of my mind there was a small and dark thought: "As long as he's not uncomfortable with his body."Finally, Juliet went back school after the summer break one year, but this time as a girl.Ana said, while the school was very supportive, not everything went smoothly…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's one of the longest relationships we'll have with anyone so why don't we show the sibling bond a bit more love?Instead the connection between brothers and sisters is often fraught, beset by fighting and jealousy.Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says people often prioritise romantic relationships or those with their peers or children and the sibling relationship was taken for granted.Yet, she says, while our brothers and sisters can be "the bane of our existence", they're also a source of great fun and huge support."The sibling relationship is the longest relationship that we will have in our lifetimes so it's really worthy of attention and often doesn't get much."Except, of course, when there's fighting involved, and that is when it really grabs parents' attention." often when people will come to me about this stuff, in terms of "How do I deal with this stuff?" because it can be hugely triggering for parents."A good starting point for understanding why children fight is to imagine how great the change could feel for a child when a new sibling arrives, she says."This little sister is going to make loud noises, poo a lot, take attention away from you. They aren't old enough to play with and Mum and Dad suddenly seem tired and grumpy."Gallagher says all these things would take time for a child to adjust to even if a family was well prepared but the process can help build resilience."Adjusting to siblings can be a good model to be exposed to because it's one of many changes child's going to have in life."And the whole business of getting on with that tiresome new brother or sister can help develop skills such as sharing, conflict resolution and coping with frustration."It's actually OK and, in fact, essential for our kids to be frustrated and sibling relationships are full of frustrations. So you could see as a great space to explore and experience feelings that are important as a growing human being."And there are some lessons too for parents about how to understand sibling rivalry and manage it better.Tips for sibling harmony…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

One family sharing a bathroom can be hard enough. What about a blended family with all its new step siblings, dramas and dynamics? Katy Gosset looks at how to get the right blend. One family sharing a bathroom can be hard enough. What about a blended family with all its new step-siblings, dramas and dynamics?Katy Gosset looks at how to get the right blend.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's a big step to start a family but you get a chance to shape it and decide how it's going to work. But with blended families the parts all come fully formed and, like puzzle pieces, you somehow need to fit them together.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher advises going in with a realistic idea of just what those parts are."If your hope is that you can squeeze your blended family into a nuclear family model, then that's when the troubles start to arise... We need to be dealing with what we've actually got rather than what we wish it would look like."She says while there were many different "makes and models" of the blended family, they were all grappling with a major life change.And just because it was a common scenario, that didn't make it any less complicated."We don't want to underestimate the fact that, for each particular child, each particular family, they are traversing this thing which is a really big deal and so we don't want to rush the process"Gallagher says step-siblings are often not in the house at the same time and the arrangement could feel "pretty messy".This meant it was important to create smooth transitions for children each time they arrived home."That idea of taking extra time to ground children when they arrive, "OK, you're here now and this is what our week is going to look like."While the adults in the new family group should keep their own relationship strong, Gallagher says children need one-on-one time with their biological parents so they aren't always sharing them with the new partner.This is also a good way of acknowledging blood ties."It's not that suddenly we're a big happy family and we're all the same because we're not actually. We've all got different histories and different allegiances, different loyalties and expectations. .so we have to honour that."Part of creating a successful blended family is managing those expectations."It's about going in with your eyes open. These kids may get along beautifully and it may be everything you possibly imagined but they might not and that's equally valid."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When kids start lying parents start to worry. But how concerned should we be? Katy Gosset tries to get to the truth about what's happening when kids tell fibs.Lies, lies and porky pies. Most children are dishonest at some stage and it drives parents crazy. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist to get the lowdown on lying.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It was on her son's Instagram account that Alice* first noticed some talk about fireworks.Knowing she had some in the garage, she poked through the box and commented to him that they seemed to be a bit short.He replied she "must have counted wrong"."I said 'So what fireworks were you playing with that you were bragging about on your Instagram account?' and the face just dropped."Laughing, Alice recalls the moment her son realised he had been "caught big time".That was "one of the doozies" but he'd lied before and, when confronted, said he thought he'd be in less trouble if he concealed the truth." well, you're actually in more trouble now for lying than you would have been for the original sin... So lying is not something I tolerate." Yet clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said this scenario was actually pretty common. "Don't panic... It's a normal part of development."Up until the age of four children had no theory of mind, meaning they believed everyone knew the same things, she said."So it means that, if I know that I'm hiding those Jaffas in my pocket, then you know that too because, in fact, we don't really have separate minds."So I'm not going to lie because what's the point?"However, once children realised they were separate from their parents, they became less truthful, in part, because they lacked an adult's moral compass, Ms Gallagher said."Children aren't mini-adults so we can't hold them to a similar standard with behaviour or moral judgments."They were learning about relationships and the world and would invariably make mistakes, she said."Things hold different meanings for them and lying is a great example of this."Adults were aware that being untruthful could harm relationships and were able to keep those consequences in mind."Kids are far more concrete and, if I don't get caught, well, was it really that wrong?"Young people were also great gamblers, Ms Gallagher said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details