When a couple breaks up it's hard for everyone, but Katy Gosset finds parents can help ease the pain for their children by putting them first.

When a couple breaks up, it's hard for everyone, not least any children caught in the cross-fire. But parents can help ease the pain by putting their kids first. In episode eleven of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset talks to separated Mums and Dads about how to make co-parenting work.

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When a relationship ends, the mad juggle that most parents already face goes into overdrive.

Suddenly you're also managing your own feelings of grief, while helping to support children and thinking about a new home and new way of life.

"It was hectic and a crazy time - the actual separation." - Father/stepfather of six

"You've got the emotional side of breaking up with someone but you're also feeling really, really guilty for the children." - Mother of three

"The kids were really confused. They didn't know what was happening, even though we explained it quite a few times." - Father/stepfather of six

There are new routines to get used to and ways of easing the blow for children

"I think the fact that they got to see their Dad a lot really helped and that became quite normal for them after a time." - Mother of three

"We still go to all the kids' events together. new partner comes along and that just shows to your children that despite the fact that their parents aren't living together anymore, they're still a united front for them (the children)." - Mother of two

"There were times when it was hard for everyone but the more consistent the plan was, the better it was for them." - Father/stepfather of six

And parents also have to adjust to their new lives.

"I was terrified of not seeing all the time. That, to this day, is still the most unnatural feeling in the world." - Mother of two

"That guilt would come in and I'd be feeling almost like failed at the family situation and that would make it pretty tough at times." - Mother of three

"I love my children immensely and I like them so I've always wanted to be around them. And so three nights a week I'm not and I hate it." - Mother of two

And then there are feelings of frustration or anger towards former partners or spouses which really shouldn't be articulated in front of children…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details