You only have to read a bit of my “about me” section to know that I am a downright expert in picking Mr. Wrongs. The fact alone that I had to go into hiding from husband number two after he was released early from the state hospital for the criminally insane, might clue you in. But after years of resulting therapy and a new life with my imperfect Dr. Husband, I just may even be learning about Mr. Right.I promised a reader on Loveawake dating site blog I would write a list of the top ways to know you’re with Mr. Wrong, so here are seven: AngerYou think you can’t tell enough about someone on the first or second date. But, if he had a bad day at work and yells at the waitress, the cab driver, or at you- make that the last date. Sure, everyone feels angry sometimes. But, no, a man isn’t manly if he is randomly acting out in anger. And if he takes out his anger on strangers or people unrelated to his issue, or if goes from feeling angry to acting angry, then he needs some serious re-tuning and you can never fix or change another person. Non-negotiable acts of anger include: throwing things, breaking things, punching things or people. Bad-day-syndrome, lost-the-job, met-someone-who-really-did-him-wrong, down-on-his-luck…none of it is an acceptable excuse. An easy barometer is this: his angry outbursts should never be the kind that embarrass you in public. ControlI could never figure out how I, an educated and successful woman, could end up in a first marriage with a man who controlled everything from what I was wearing to where I was going. I have since learned that while a man who is successful because he works to control every aspect of his work environment IS sexy, a man who tries to control a woman is definitely NOT sexy. I also learned that you can spot this behavior early on. If you sometimes tolerate Ace Ventura or live through each season of his favorite sport, chalk that up to compromise. If every single time he picks the movie, orders your meal, strongly suggests you change what you wear (with a disapproving glare to your favorite gypsy skirt)- get out. And if you stay around, you may find that he is controlling more and more of your life while you make excuses.CriticismYou may tell yourself he’s just trying to educate you or make you a better person, but if you can’t change him, he certainly shouldn’t be trying to change you. Much worse, he should never, ever, ever put you down. Name calling is out of the question. Putting you down in any context is bigger than a red flag. Again, it can start off slow, so look out for early signs where he “corrects” the way you say something in a nasty tone, or he refers to you “joking” to his friends as stupid or brainless with a pat on the knee, if he says your behavior embarrasses him...if he makes you feel small, you’re with the wrong guy. And while you may say it’s impossible, my husband (although not perfect) would really prefer to live without some of my midnight rants. He may even appreciate if our house didn’t often resemble an unnatural disaster. Nonetheless, he has never ever ever put me down. The right guy might not like the way you act all of the time; a great relationship certainly doesn’t necessitate liking and disliking all of the same things; but destructive criticism only comes from the wrong guy. IsolationIt may start that he doesn’t want to hang out with your friends; maybe he says he just can’t handle another family love-hate-fest. But if he starts slowly or suddenly cutting you off from close friends, family, co-workers, or the regular events you attend, you may wake up one day where you are completely isolated from the world. He doesn’t have to like all of your friends or family; he doesn’t even have to join you in seeing them. If he prevents you- no matter how sweetly- from maintaining your regular contact with your circle of support, run back to them and away from him. Of course if it’s “luv” you want to spend lots of time together, especially in the beginning, but there must always be a space in the world that is yours. If you allow him to take that space from you and separate you from the people you love and love you, look back at controlling and think ahead to the life that he is really offering. Untreated Addiction or Mental IllnessAlcoholics Anonymous tells newly sober, single people that they shouldn’t date during their first year of recovery. I think that’s a good marker when looking for Mr. Right who has had issues with alcohol or other drugs, other addictions like gambling, or who has a treatablemental illness. If you’re choosing a guy, he should have already been actively choosing to treat his personal challenges. If you can’t fix him, you definitely can’t get him sober or make him an active participant in therapy and/or medication management. I am positively NOT saying that you cannot have a wonderfully neurotically loving relationship when one or both parties have had challenges with addiction or mental illness (nor am I even making a comparison between the two, so stop typing angry letters about this paragraph). What I am saying is, again, you can’t fix or change someone and untreated addiction or untreated mental illness inevitably leads to the rest of the traits you’re trying to avoid. If you’re already in a long-term relationship with someone who faces one of these obstacles, they have to get help now. If they don’t, think long and hard. If you stay: make sure that none of the other deal-breakers are going on in your relationship. If you find yourself saying “He was drunk and didn’t mean it,” look long and hard in the mirror. Just because someone is inebriated, doesn’t mean he has the right to make you feel small, hurt you, break things, or turn your life upside down. Financial DisastersHere are some big no-go’s about finances and Mr. Wrong: You should never be in a situation where he controls all of the money! Second, people lose jobs and look for jobs and are underemployed…and you may even meet the love of your life in the midst of such a crisis. However, if he has a track record of being unemployed or not being able to survive financially before his current crisis, it may be an unbreakable pattern. If he starts mooching off of you, suggests moving in for the finances and your cable t.v., has a history of living off of others and no real plan on how to get out…sweetie, this is not a good sign- he’s Mr. Right. I am not by any means saying that Mr. Right needs to be rich, or even not-quite-so-poor. What I am clearly saying is that he shouldn’t be controlling your money or the family money to the point where you are on an allowance. And unless he has a trust fund, is in graduate school, or you’re already married and he’s a great stay at home Dad, he should really get a job. ViolenceTHERE IS NEVER ANY REASON FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN. If you swear you would never let a man lay a hand on you in anger, and your guy hasn’t exhibited any of numbers one through six, you may be right. If he does, you swear you would get out, so great. A few warning signs can stop you from ever getting in that position: while I realize the jails are full of innocent men, if he has been known or accused of assaulting other women, really- who are you kidding? If he gets into drunken bar fights and comes to your door at 3 in the morning with black eyes and says, “you should see the other guy,” shut the door with him on the other side. Cruelty to animals is really not just a concern for the SPCA if you’re considering whether he’s right or wrong. If he has a mental illness- he needs to get help actively, not use anyone’s face as a therapeutic outlet. If it’s gotten to a point where you have been hit, punched, kicked, humiliated or hurt- there are agencies, people and organizations that can help you. I know getting out isn’t easy, and I didn’t the first or second time I was assaulted, but I did and you can too. An online list of international resources can be found at the Pixel Project.Look, I fully realize that Mr. Wrong doesn’t mean Mr. Abusive (though to 20% of women it does.) And if he is criticizing you or isolating you or you find yourself walking on eggshells while around him, you don’t need to be hit to know he’s not the right guy for you. I know that my story might be on the dramatic side of the bad-relationship scale, but it doesn’t mean you need to stay with someone if he makes you feel small. If it’s gotten as bad as #7, I hope you get help, because every woman deserves better. But more than that, I hope for you are always one of the women who never experience violence and pay attention to the first six signs. I might not know you, but I know you deserve to be with the right guy. And really, no matter how unlikely it seems, the right guy is out there for you, so why waste your time with Mr. Wrong?Please, I know enough to know I don’t know everything. If you think these signs are off- please let me know in the comments. Or share your worst of Mr. Wrong stories. While I touched on it, feel free to also share your signs of Mr. Right (or right enough.) And if you’ve been with a Mr. Really Really Wrong, or are still with him, the comments are anonymous, so feel free to write about him too. Thanks for reading. And good luck! If I could meet The Guy after 2 divorces and with 4 kids, it can happen to anyone!
At the bookstore, picking up my weekly round of books to read, and then something interesting happens. Books for my personal education in my right hand, and books about women and sexuality in my left. And then I ask myself 'Do I really need these?'. I set down the books on women and sexuality, and for the first time in years, I realize that women are no longer my top priority or topic of interest.In fact, looking at my current newfound lifestyle, women are barely in it at all. The reason why there hasn't been any new stories? On the few occasions that I've been out, I don't recall talking to too many women.And the two girlfriends situation? It worked itself out. I am now in a monogamous relationship. The second girl really got tired of me blowing her off and treating her like she was second rate. She's an intelligent woman, so I think she kinda figured out what was going on. I believe that the final straw was when she went out of town, and then surprised me by telling me she was coming home a day early because she missed me.I about freaked out, and she could hear in my tone of voice how I didn't want her to come back early. I didn't treat her right at all. You know it's bad when she says "Go out, talk to girls, but PLEEEEAAASE don't kiss or leave with any." So in short, she knew what I was up to.I would literally leave her at home to go out with my boys and tell her that she couldn't come with me. It never would have worked out anyway. I just couldn't get over her messy room and horrible eating habits. In a few years, this girl would have been fat once her metabolism slowed down. Other than that, she did everything right. But, I just can't respect a woman that lets me walk all over her, and that's why I treated her like shit.The other girl, on the other hand, she isn't perfect, but what I like about her, is yes, she has her faults, but she attempts to correct them before I have to say anything. For instance, if she knows I'm coming over, she makes it her priority to clean her house. That, and she's hot as fuck. So women, if you're reading this, your looks DO matter A LOT.Ultimately, it was her bitchy attitude that won me over. The way I figure it, is if a woman'll let me walk all over her, then if I die, I wouldn't be able to trust her raising children, as she can not stand up for herself.But in short, everything seems to be falling into place. My interest in the dating community is rapidly fading, being replaced by my newfound love. My views on everything seem to be changing, and not just my views on women: life, money, education, the world, etc.This blog is nothing more than a part of a much bigger gestalt, and I'm starting to realize it's place. And once I figure something out, I get bored and it's time to move on. Just an interesting self-realization.
Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake Neherlands dating site. © Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.I know, it should have been finished sooner, but trust me, it’s worth the wait. Here are a few objectives and details:Objective Number One: PracticalityI didn’t want to get caught up in all of these inner states beliefs or spirit master chi hocus-pocus. It’s great and all, but I really wanted to focus on topics that a guy could go out and begin to get immediate results with. I want a guy to read it, go out and try it, and say to himself “Hey, this worked instantly”. Oh, and I figured out the one thing that will single-handedly tell you why you aren’t getting laid, and oftentimes get stuck in the friend zone.Objective Number Two: SimplifyI really wanted to cohesively integrate my game into one whole. If a guy wants to know what my style of game is about in a nutshell, then he can read this guide without having to comb through all of my blog posts. Also, I noticed that I contradicted myself a few times due to different experiences, but now that I have a ton of experience, it is time that I have my final say on the matter. (What? Is Assanova for playing the numbers game now? No way!?)Objective Number Three: StructureEver read a great seduction guide, but be unable to recall 90% of the information within it? Why does this happen? Simply because it isn’t structured well. The writer may have some great knowledge, but the way it’s written prevents it from sticking to the readers mind. Thus, I have broken the guide down to seven essential skill sets to master.Objective Number Four: NecessityI only wanted to focus on what I believed to be absolutely necessary to attract and sleep with women. You won’t find very much about anything that I don’t believe you absolutely need. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time talking about something that they don’t really need. I actually spent most of my time ripping out what I deemed unnecessary.I’ve been taking down notes for weeks, working hard, and now I’m finally ready to sit down and start writing. I talked to a ton of my female friends, went through quite a few of my blog posts, stories, and thought about my past experiences, realized my successes, mistakes, contradictions, and now I’m ready to have my final say. This is based on my interactions with THOUSANDS of women. The Assanova Method. It’s coming. Game over.