Dear Black Gay Men Podcast

We’re diving deep into a topic that sparks major conversation in our community: masc for masc culture and the complexities of preference, identity, and stigma.Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the episode by sharing his own preference for “girly boys” and feminine men, playfully stating, “nothing is too feminine for me”. He admits to being “the drama” for feeling that gay men who are “masculine all the time” are “fighting against something”. He’s clear that he loves men who express in every version of manliness, especially those who have a “yes b***h” in them.The conversation then heats up as Jai reacts to a creator who explains why he doesn’t date “girly boys”. This leads to an intense chat about:* Masculinity and its Evolution: Jai argues that the definition of masculinity differs across generations.* The “Masc for Masc” Debate: Discussion around whether liking masculinity assumes one is masculine, and the attraction of feminine men to “trade” or DL (Down Low) men.* Stigma and Privilege: The argument of whether advocating for the masculine is necessary, given the social privilege associated with masculine presentation, versus the stigma and femme phobia experienced by feminine and trans men.Callers and commenters share their perspectives, touching on the idea of masc shaming, the need to affirm all Black queer men, and the importance of supporting “strong friends” who present as masculine but may be struggling. Ultimately, the episode underscores the beauty and complexity of Black gay identity and expression, reminding us all that every story “makes mine valid”.Tune in to hear the full, raw conversation! Don’t forget, a portion of your Super Chats and memberships goes to worthy causes helping black queer people.Would you like me to find out more about any of the upcoming shows mentioned, such as the conversation about raw sex on November 19th?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

The latest episode of the “Dear Black Gay Men Podcast” dives headfirst into the hot-button topic of the “top-tier man” in gay culture. Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the discussion by reacting to a SaySoTV video that identified a man as “tall, dark, and fluid” and “top-tier”. Jai questions the widely held assumption that a “top-tier man” is simply a “heterosexual man that likes other men,” suggesting this ideal is often “hetero adjacent” and “straight acting”.Jai’s personal preference leans toward a “regular, degular man” , expressing his desire for authenticity and flaws—like morning breath and bed head. He champions the idea that the “sexiest part about gay men is how we blend all these things together,” embracing both masculinity and femininity.The episode also tackles deeper topics like sexual identity and relationship dynamics. Jai argues that what you call your sexuality, such as “gay” or “pansexual,” is deeply personal and should be the language that “feels like home” to you.In the “Church Announcements” segment, Jai shares his five biggest lies about dating:* The Dating Pool Has Piss in It: You attract what you are or what you believe.* Good Men Are Hard to Find: Check your friend circle.* All I Need Is a Crib, a Car, and a Job: Basic is never enough—be valuable.* I’m Easy to Date: Being an easy catch attracts low-effort men.* Mr. Right Will Find Me: Intention is the difference between patient and lazy.Jai later reflects on the challenge older Black gay men face: having extensive experience in hookup culture but lacking experience in emotional love and fidelity. He urges listeners to be as bold in expressing emotional desires as they are in expressing sexual ones.Listen to the full episode of the “Dear Black Gay Men Podcast” for candid talk, community insights, and the drama. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast with Jai The Gentleman dove headfirst into the nuanced world of dominance, submission, and the sticky dynamics of dating in the black queer community.The central conversation explored the concept of the “good boy”, and how subs prefer to be handled in black queer culture. Based on a poll of 20 self-professed “good boys,” the results were split:* Bratty Subs: Seven men preferred a Dom who would “put them in their place” and actively dominate them.* Willing Subs: Seven were naturally submissive and eager to earn the “good boy” title.* Mixed Bag: Six varied, depending on their partner.Jai, a self-identified soft dom, prefers a willing and eager sub, noting that for him, earning the “good boy” title extends far beyond sex and requires a relationship rapport. He emphasizes that a dom must provide a valuable reward, emotionally and physically, in return for “good boy” behavior.The conversation then shifted to a viral story discussed by Nico’s Aesthetics, leading to a critical question: When does persistence cross the line into harassment?. The host and the chat discussed how intense, even obsessive, behavior (like showing up uninvited) is a toxic display of insecurity, often rooted in a deep, unmet desire to be seen, loved, and valued—a story sadly common among black gay men.Catch the replay for the full kiki, and let us know—are you a bratty sub or a willing sub? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

We had to put the dating talk aside for a night because, frankly, the times are serious. Election Day (November 4th) is right around the corner, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. We were honored to have Dakarai Larriett, candidate for Alabama’s open U.S. Senate seat, join us in The Backroom to talk about fighting hopelessness, confronting political gridlock, and what it truly means to step up when your community needs you.This is a must-read if you’re tired of the noise and ready to talk about the issues that actually impact Black gay lives.“I’ve Had It With The Girls That Aren’t Voting”We kicked off the episode with the political frustration we all feel, and I had to be honest: I’m absolutely fed up with the folks who are sitting out Election Day. As Dakari pointed out, a major issue in this country is a lack of basic civics knowledge.* The Trump Distortion: The former president takes up so much space, distracting from the core issues that affect us all.* The Long Game: Republicans are playing it, defunding schools and stacking courts, leading to catastrophic repercussions we don’t fully understand until it’s too late.* The Buyer’s Remorse: Things are happening that were either actively or tacitly approved by those who voted for the former President or, worse, chose not to vote at all.If you didn’t vote, you need to hear this. As Jai says, “We’ve got to help people understand the repercussions of their decisions”.Driving While Black and Gay: The Catalyst for ChangeDakari Lariat’s commitment to public service comes from two decades of advocacy, but his Senate run received a fire-fueled motivator from a horrifying personal experience: his own false arrest in Michigan.* The Incident: While driving, Lariat was stopped, subjected to sobriety tests in the cold, and ultimately gaslit throughout the night.* The Homophobia: Troopers allegedly used homophobic slurs, stating his car and him “smelled fruity”.* The Fallout: Despite testing negative for alcohol, he was jailed and accused of drug trafficking by way of ingestion, forcing him to use the restroom in front of booking officers.* The Legislation: This experience inspired Lariat to draft the Motorist Bill of Rights to protect all citizens from the arbitrary discretion of law enforcement, especially while traveling.Lariat believes the U.S. Senate is the best place to overturn things like expanded qualified immunity (which protects law enforcement from their behavior).“We Belong in Every Room”: An Openly Queer Candidate in the Deep SouthRunning as a Black, gay Democrat in Alabama might seem like a political death wish, but Lariat is leaning into his identity and disrupting the political playbook.* The Strategy: His team initially wanted to keep his identity “muted”16. Now, they’ve decided to lead with it, sending a “coming out text message” campaign that included his magazine covers. The result? They raised the most money they had ever raised in a single day.* The Red State Myth: Lariat doesn’t believe Alabama is inherently “red”—he believes it is gerrymandered and suppressed18. His dream is for people to come out and vote based on their interests, not their party tradition.* The Mission: Lariat affirms that when you fight for the marginalized, everybody wins. He is committed to fighting issues like the attempt to revoke a gay establishment’s licenses over a drag show, using both empathy and financial arguments (”You’re going to hurt your own economy”) to rally support.Dakari Lariat is running on competence and a 20-year history of public service, proving that political leadership is just a room full of normal folks—and we absolutely belong at the table.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Action Steps & Next TimeWe need more voices like Dakari Lariat. He’s working to make sure our community is represented in rooms where we’ve never had a seat (we’ve never had an openly gay man in the U.S. Senate, period).* Learn More: Find more about Dakari Lariat’s platform and the Motorist Bill of Rights at his website, DakariLariat.com.* Educate Yourself: Use resources like Ballotpedia and Vote.gov to know exactly who and what is on your ballot, from the top of the ticket to local ordinances.* Get Out The Vote: November 4th is the big day, but early voting is happening now.Don’t forget to wear your “I Voted” sticker.Would you like the full list of Election Day essentials discussed on the show? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Are Black Gay Men Actively Choosing to Stay Single?On a recent episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, we dove deep into a question that’s been bubbling: Why are so many eligible Black gay men opting for “chosen singleness” instead of cuffing up? The answers might surprise you, but they definitely hit home.The Big Experiment: Crib, Car, and a JobHost Jai The Gentleman interviewed 20 eligible Black single men, defining “eligible” as having a crib (paying rent/mortgage), a car (access to transportation), and a job (a reliable way to pay bills). More than half of these men chose to stay single, and their reasons were consistent.Here’s why these bachelors are choosing the solo life:* Men Play Too Many Games: A shocking 15 out of 20 men cited unhealed trauma from a previous relationship as their main reason for avoiding dating altogether. The hurt is real, and the defense mechanism is thick.* Dating is Expensive... and Unequal: Ten of the men felt that Black gay men expect way more than they offer. One bachelor put it plainly: “Gay men expect steak dinners, but they order their steak well done” (meaning, they don’t appreciate the value).* The Vulnerability Veto: Six of the men acknowledged that dating requires a level of emotional vulnerability that many men simply can’t handle. It’s tough to date when a guy “doesn’t go to therapy, they aren’t self-aware, or they’re not emotionally available”.Toxic Love and the “B******t” TrapThe conversation then took a turn toward the painfully relatable: the allure of toxic relationships, reacting to a commentary about the tumultuous and documented breakup of a YouTube couple, Dondre and Chris. Jai mused that some of us are tragically addicted to toxicity. Being in a dramatic, on-again-off-again cycle can feel like a sign of investment or care, even when it’s clearly not.The main takeaway? We gotta learn to trust our gut. If something feels off, it is off. You don’t need to play detective or wait for absolute proof to protect your peace.Stepping Out of “Chosen Singleness”So, how do we get out of this self-imposed single box? It all comes down to intention. Instead of passively waiting for a man to “stumble into your life” or leaving the “door open” for a connection without effort, true happiness requires work, vulnerability, and being your best, most authentic self before your man arrives.If you want the full story on how Jai got out of the dating pool, comment “dating” below! And be sure to check out the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast.What’s your take? Are you in your era of chosen singleness, or are you actively looking for love? Let us know in the comments!Want more deep dives on Black queer life, love, and culture? Subscribe to the Substack for exclusive content!Would you like me to find the link for Jai’s Substack blog for the full story?Absolutely! Here is the link to the Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack, where you can find all the dating stories and deeper conversations:* Dear Black Gay Men’s SubstackOn the Substack, you can read more of Jai the Gentleman’s insights, including his personal dating blog, and topics on commitment, sex, and love in the Black queer community.Would you like to explore any of the three reasons men are choosing to stay single in more detail? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In this unfiltered and necessary conversation, host JAI The Gentleman dives headfirst into the hot-button issues shaking the Black queer community: the toxic allure of the “DL Whisperer” and the explosive viral video on “fragile masculinity.” This is the deep-dive talk every Black gay man and our allies need to hear about honesty, safety, and cultural responsibility in dating.In This Must-Listen Episode, We Tackle:* The DL Whisperer & “Clocking Trade”: JAI reacts to the backlash against the now-banned “DL Whisperer” on TikTok, a figure who offered “tools” to expose Down Low men. The conversation shifts to the difficulty of “clocking trade” or DL men in 2025, where “everybody’s a little bit gay, or everybody looks a little bit gay”.* The Root Cause of DL Culture: JAI argues that the Down Low phenomenon isn’t just about men being “greedy”; it exists because the culture these men would come out to is not safe. We explore the urgent question: Do queer people have a responsibility to help those still inside the closet?* The Fragile Masculinity Debate: Hear JAI’s reaction to the viral story of “Donnie” and the straight man who respectfully ended a date upon learning Donnie was a man. JAI challenges the idea of labeling the man’s respectful withdrawal as “fragile masculinity,” arguing that he “demonstrated so much evolution” and showed “intentionality”. Is rejecting someone you’re not attracted to—even respectfully—now a sign of fragile masculinity?* Attraction: Beyond the Vibe: We challenge the idea that attraction is “just energy”. JAI asserts that true, lasting attraction for a relationship is a mix of both “vibe” and “physical anatomy”.* Trans People, Privilege, and Paving the Way: JAI shares powerful insights on the difference having trans people in your life can make, arguing that they often get “bad PR” that is unfairly directed at trans women. He reminds the community that our current freedoms are built “on the backs of trans women who do not have the privilege of being a man”.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Why Black Gay Men Need to Hear This:This episode is your weekly dose of short, “b******t-free” therapy and truth. It’s a reminder of “how dope it is to be black gay men who love black gay men”, and a necessary conversation about the cultural dynamics—femme phobia, slut-shaming, and toxic expectations—that continue to make queer life harder than it needs to be.Join the Conversation & Support the Show!* Follow JAI The Gentleman on Instagram and Threads: @JAITheGentleman.* Read JAI’s Dating Blog on Substack.Don’t miss this essential episode for every Black queer man navigating love, identity, and the journey to happiness! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

From Depression to Desire: Kid Fury is Back and We’re Talking Dating, Catcalls, and Black Male BeautyAre You Stuck in a Sad Boy Shell? Kid Fury and the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast Host Say Get Outside!The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men podcast, hosted by Jai the Gentleman, is a must-listen for Black queer men navigating life, dating, and mental health. This week, Jai the Gentleman is reacting to the highly anticipated return of internet icon, Kid Fury, whose first upload in a decade, “One Quick Thought: Depression Cock Blocking,” is already shaking up the culture.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Kid Fury’s Return: Overcoming Depression and the Power of “Titty Meat”A pioneer of internet celebrity, Kid Fury—best known as the co-host of The Read podcast—is back on his personal channel after ten years. His new video, discussing depression and “cock blocking,” resonated deeply with Jai the Gentleman, who identifies as a loner introvert that can become “vitamin D depleted”.* The Cure for the Homebody: Kid Fury’s realization that “niggas be outside” and walking home from the gym led to an appreciation for “titty meat” on display.* The “Hoe Phase” as Self-Care: Jai the Gentleman echoes this sentiment, suggesting that getting outside, seeing “art on display”, and even having a well-managed “hoe phase” (with clear boundaries and expectations) can be a crucial tool for shaking off depression and emotional fatigue.* Mental Health is Real: The episode is a timely reminder that mental health is vital and resources like therapy and medication (if prescribed) work.Toxic Masculinity and the Language of LoveThe conversation takes an affirming turn as Jai the Gentleman passionately advocates for Black gay men to use affirming language like “beautiful” and “gorgeous” when describing each other.* Calling a Thing a Thing: He argues that toxic masculinity makes men afraid to compliment each other, especially with certain words, but in homogenous queer spaces, being bold enough to call a beautiful man “beautiful” is essential to affirming and opening up the culture.* The Catcall Test: Jai the Gentleman debates the experience of being catcalled, noting that it happens so infrequently to men that he finds it a compliment, particularly if it’s age-appropriate. He appreciates the confidence of a man who takes the leap in the real world, as opposed to “annoying” app messages like “WIDs” and “sups”.Dating Deep Dive: Trust, Submission, and Saying “I Love You”Jai the Gentleman also gives a candid update on his dating life, announcing that he’s dating someone and they are “happy and together”. This opens up two major discussions:* When to Post Your Man Online: He poses the question to the chat: At what point do you tell people on the internet, “this my man?”. His biggest fear is sharing a relationship publicly and having to “crash out on some nigga in the comments” who says something disrespectful.* The Love Barrier: Several members in the chat admitted they have never been told “I love you” by a man. Jai the Gentleman recounts a pivotal conversation with a friend that led him to be more liberal in saying “I love you” to people he cares about. He challenges the culture to be bold enough to express love out loud.* Trust vs. “Trust but Verify”: Jai the Gentleman breaks down why “trust but verify” is actually a sign of no trust in a relationship. He argues that constantly verifying tasks tells a capable man that your way is better and leads to him shutting down to avoid interrogation. The solution: “Trust is trust”.A New Dating Challenge and a Nostalgia TripFinally, Jai the Gentleman reacts to Sincerely Lutfy’s new dating experiment, “The Blind Dating Experience,” where men are blindfolded and eliminate each other based on communication and vibes, a format he finds more intentional than the previous “Pop the Balloon” challenge.The first question from the date sparks a nostalgic debate: “Martin or Living Single, and why?”. Jai the Gentleman notes that the sitcoms were a cultural cornerstone and that discussing a favorite ‘90s sitcom could be a great first date question to add to your repertoire.Want to join the conversation? Listen to the full episode of Dear Black Gay Men podcast to hear more hot topics, including a discussion on whether a man who bottoms can still be in a dominant role, and what your favorite ‘90s sitcom says about you.➡️ Listen to the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast for more honest, authentic, and affirming conversations for and by Black queer men.Keywords: Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman, Kid Fury, The Read, Sincerely Lutfy, Blind Dating Experience, Depression Cock Blocking, Black Gay Men, Black Queer Culture, Mental Health, Dating Advice, Relationships, Toxic Masculinity, Catcalling, Martin or Living Single. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Join JAI The Gentleman of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast as he breaks down an exclusive, off-air conversation from the “Private Party” episode and dives into the ambiguity of this cultural term.In this episode, we tackle the big questions:* Does “daddy” have a meaning outside of sex in Black gay culture?* Does the term lose its meaning when we use it too often?* Is it simply a top with a big dick, or does it come with a level of real-life responsibility?JAI even shares an exclusive update about his new dating entanglement with someone he calls Ryan, who considers JAI his “daddy”. This dynamic sparks a deeper discussion: Can a daddy be femme? Is the term about masculinity, or is it a service role—a protector and provider who shows love through acts of service?Plus, we get into:* The argument that straight culture is co-opting the term “daddy” from queer BDSM and leather culture.* What 20 bottoms agree on about what a “daddy” is not.* A heated moment on dating app etiquette: Why you need to get to the point, fill out your profile, and stop asking questions that are already answered!Tune in for a powerful, unfiltered discussion on love, kink, gender roles, and the evolving language of Black gay intimacy.Listen now to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast and join the conversation!#BlackGayMen #DaddyCulture #QueerDating #ServiceTop #BlackQueer #DBGM This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

I interviewed 20 eligible single men to find out the real reasons they don’t commit. This episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast unpacks the surprisingly consistent dating horror stories and boils them down to three basic things every man needs to commit to a relationship.In this video, you’ll learn:* 🔑 The number one reason men don’t commit: they don’t know what they want, or can’t concretely say why.* 🗣️ The three simple considerations men make when deciding to take dating to the next level: what I want, what you want, and the minimum requirements to get those things.* ❓ Why a man is likely “stringing you along” if he’s unclear, oblivious, or neglecting one of the three considerations.* 💬 How a lack of clear communication about desires can make men “fall back” to single life.* 💯 Why men only move when they arerequired to, and the three aspects of your requirements that must be met for a man to change his behavior.* 🤔 A deeper discussion on high dating standards in Black gay culture and the true desire for love and solidarity beneath them.Tune in as Jai the Gentleman shares the insights from these interviews, and we discuss the common commitment killers and how to master the dating process to find a fulfilling relationship.Subscribe for more dope queer stories and authentic conversations for Black gay men who love Black gay men! Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

I talked 20 bottoms to bust myths tops have about good sex. Twenty conversations narrowed down to just 4 things that bottoms say tops can do to have immediately better sexWhether you’re dating someone new, in a long term relationship already, or just hooking up while you’re single, sex is an inevitable part of your life. We all want it and we all want ours to be the best.My whole job on this channel is to help Black gay men remember how dope it is to be us and to love us. Sometimes that interaction purely sexualSo if I can help tops give a performance that’s worth a bottom changing a diet and douching their life away, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.Because the goal isn’t to just know WHAT bottoms say makes sex good, but to understand WHY THESE THINGS MAKE SEX GOOD.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.00:00:00 | Introduction: What Makes S*x Good?00:01:28 | Myth #1: Does Dick Size Really Matter?00:14:47 | Three Questions for Better S*x00:19:42 | Myth #2: Shorter S*x is Better00:30:13 | Top vs. Total Top: A Cultural Shift00:40:23 | Myth #3: The Power of Praise Kinks00:56:06 | Myth #4: Connection is Key (Even for Hookups)01:08:29 | Get to Know J.A.Y. & The Studio01:11:44 | Final Thoughts & The P*rn Debate01:21:53 | ConclusionThe host recaps the four key findings from his interviews with bottoms:* Husband dick is the perfect size* Multiple quickies are preferred over long sessions* If it's big, talk them through it* S*x is better with emotional connectionThe episode ends with a final thank you to the listeners and a look ahead to next week's show. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

A Black man was lynched in America in 2025.Let me state, unequivocally, that this episode or us reacting to this story is not intended to position any person in this story as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.But Demontre Reed was a Black man and to that end, he could have been me, or any of our listeners, or our brother, or our cousin, or our son. Regardless of his sexuality or ours, we, as Black men have a responsibility to this man’s life.So Tonight, I’m opening the conversation up from beginning to end as we answer one critical question, “where do we go from here” tonight on Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, and the show starts right now.We had a whole show tonight about dating.I don’t run away from the fact we talk sex on this platform, but I’ve been attempting to intentionally broaden our conversations beyond the bedroom.But I broke down today. I saw pictures of Tre Reed and got mad, then I got upset, then I got sad. So tonight, instead of keeping my feelings all bottled in, I want this to be a safe space for all of us to share whatever may be on our hearts.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Chapters[00:00:01] Intro and the Death of Trey Reed[00:01:36] A Black Man's Life Lost[00:03:11] The Podcast's Purpose and History[00:04:19] Are We Ready for a Revolution?[00:06:04] Ads and Community Dialogue[00:10:39] The Proximity of Violence[00:15:37] The Desire for Retribution[00:16:34] Coincidences and Past Trauma[00:22:31] A List of the Fallen[00:25:28] The Role of Queer Leaders[00:31:51] Assimilation vs. Equity[00:44:09] Building a Community[00:56:39] Caller: Darren T[01:03:59] Caller: Antoine[01:18:47] Closing Comments and Future Plans This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Boundaries are simply what I say hell yea to.A good man will function well within your tolerable region without issue. And when he bumps up against your boundary, he’ll identify it, acknowledge, make good on the violation, and move on with a clearer understanding.But all of that is built on being clear about boundaries and that clarity, for most of us, comes long before we start dating anyone in particular.So tonight, we’re reacting to one tiktoker who breaks down boundaries, rules, and expectations in a way that we can apply to our dating lives.I want to know are we the drama with our ambiguous boundaries, or if niggas are just disrespectful because they ain’t s**t no way.Words like “boundaries” and “expectations” come up all throughout our dating life. A lot of the gworls think boundaries work and expectations just make room for disappointment.While that can be true, neither of those work unless we’re clear on our boundaries are, how we communicate them, and how we enforce them with love and grace.So tonight, Dr. Raquel Martin has got over a million-and-a-half views on TikTok, teaching us about boundaries. We’re reacting to this to see if there’s some Black gay wisdom we can take from the conversation.Chapters0:00:00 - The Road to Clear Boundaries0:01:50 - Boundaries, Rules, & Expectations: A Dating Guide0:02:53 - 4 Tips for Cuffing Season0:05:36 - The Private Party: Celebrating Jai's 40th0:08:22 - The Difference Between a Boundary, Rule, and a Standard0:14:38 - The Legacy of Tevin Campbell0:26:04 - Standards for Friends & The "Fence" Analogy0:41:43 - Why Black Gay Men Struggle with Intimacy0:52:49 - Disagreement vs. Argument: The Difference1:04:45 - Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Awareness1:13:04 - Listener Q&A: The Pain of Growth This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

My last relationship ended three times.The first time was because I was insecure. The second time was because he was impatient. The third time was because I never invested myself back into the relationship after the first two attempts.It takes a lot to see the dating process through to it’s hopeful end. Self-awareness is probably at the top of the list.So tonight, I’m asking the DBGM family to pull on our self-awareness. Each of us has to ask ourselves, “are we the drama?”Is dating actually hard, or do we make it that way?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.ChaptersDating as a Queer Person (00:00:01)The Problem with Dating (00:00:58)Church Announcements: Single Season as a Superpower (00:02:43)The Top Drought & Sexual Roles (00:10:20)Masculinity, Femininity, and Nuance (00:15:13)The Meaning of "Daddy" (00:46:14)The Need for Better Language (01:13:11) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

I believe that when we’re dating in our 30s, because we have something to lose, we try to safeguard our hearts and our lives from men that don’t mean for our good.That’s why red flags have become so important. We’ve seen our parent’s red flags when we were little. We’ve overlooked obvious red flags in our 20s. We’ve talked to our friends about their boyfriends red flags in our 30s.Everything in us is trying to avoid red flags and the headaches that come with them.So tonight, I’m talking red flags with one of the most unproblematic signs under the sun. He’s the writer, producer and star of one of my favorite web series, Love & Us. He’s come by the podcast as they prepare for the long awaited season 2.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Chapters* 00:00:00 * 00:11:01: The "Top 5" segment begins, where the hosts and their guest discuss "Top 5 red flags that good sex will make you overlook."* 00:17:59: The hosts discuss a listener's question about HIV status as a red flag.* 00:20:23: The host asks listeners to share their absolute deal-breaker red flags in the comments during the break. * 00:21:36: The hosts review listener-submitted red flags from the comments.* 00:23:42: The hosts and guest discuss whether a person being HIV positive is a red flag, particularly if they are not undetectable. * 00:34:09: The guest discusses "red flags within ourselves," such as having tunnel vision about the type of person we want to date and missing out on other potential partners. * 00:37:34: The guest talks about their past experience of dating "just a little toxic" men who made them "chase them for their attention and affection." * 00:40:37: The host describes their own "Virgo red flag" of hyper-criticality, where they focus on fixing others' problems to avoid dealing with their own. * 00:45:57: The host asks about red flags in friendships, noting what he perceives as a "friendship epidemic" in Black queer culture where friendships are superficial and lack vulnerability. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Earlier this year, I dated someone for 6 months.I told my best friend about him after 3 months. He’d met my siblings after 5. On the face, it looked like things were progressing.The quiet truth is that he had dumped twice and I was too insecure to leave it alone when everyone around me told him he wasn’t the one.What I know about myself and so many others is that we, Black gay men, want to be in love. We want our person, but so many of us eligible bachelors are still in the dating pool.So tonight, I want us to really ask ourselves, is it me, or it it niggas that’s the problem?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.* Introduction: Dating Criteria and Finding the Right Man (00:00:01)* Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast (00:01:16)* Church Announcements and Personal Updates (00:02:42)* Wants vs. Needs in a Partner (00:04:53)* Sex and Emotional Connection in Dating (00:16:08)* Debate on the "Over-sexualization" of Black Men (00:20:23)* Acknowledging Both Sexuality and Personhood (00:39:15)* Conclusion: A Call for Broader Perspective (01:16:17) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe