Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner’s shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame. [4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories. [5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner. [9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt. [14:27] Why do we experience shame? [18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle. [20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of. [26:35] How does carried shame occur? [38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner? [39:35] How can carried shame be healed? [46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What’s next? [48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner? [51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me? [57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me? [1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “As part of your healing journey, it’s necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are.” “Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience.” “Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion.” “Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it.” “Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way.”
Angela Spearman, CSAT describes “globalized mistrust” as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going? Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more. TAKEAWAYS: [2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust. [5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean). [7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing. [11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking. [17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world. [21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism. [25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty. [32:17] Processing the things you can’t control. [36:40] I’m spiraling through my shame and I can’t support my wife either. Now what? [42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner? [47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place? [51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support? [53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma? [55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable? [59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers? [1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim? [1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used? [1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “In any type of crisis that you go through, you’re going to start asking some of these existential questions.” “We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we’ve experienced in the past.” “When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered.” “Hope is energizing. It empowers you.” “There may never be a good enough answer.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about sex, cheating, intimacy, betrayal and more. They explore chronic lying, the power of mindset, the difference between firm boundaries and abuse, and more of the common but painful issues that betrayed partners face. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I don’t want my betraying partner to touch me. How can I show empathy? [5:42] How can I address our lack of emotional and physical intimacy? [12:08] Is separation the right next step in recovery? [13:19] EMDR and somatic experience techniques as tools for moving past trauma. [18:11] Recovery work is essential in healing. [21:56] My partner is physically present but emotionally checked out of recovery. [30:20] Choosing a different path in the recovery process. [33:16] What is the difference between being firm and being abusive? [42:22] My partner’s lying addiction is worse than his porn addiction. What treatment plan is available for lying? [46:37] How can I ask my partner about her recovery healing path when she won’t open up to me? [50:05] What is the goal of separation? [52:00] How can I change my mindset about my slow recovery? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “You might get validation wrong, but doing nothing makes it worse than trying something and not doing it perfectly.” “You can’t work on trauma when you’re still acting out.” “Are you more focused on your pain or your healing?” “The recovery battle has more to do with the choices you’re making than the things that happened to you.” “People who are committed to the recovery process are willing to do whatever it takes to be on a different path.” “You don’t have to be hit to be profoundly abused.” “You cannot remain a liar and be in active recovery.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Seeking Integrity Clinical Director Erin Snow and Tami consider the reasons that a betraying partner may refuse to admit their shame, whether it’s worth waiting a few more days to see if a partner is going to start respecting boundaries, and how to respond to a partner’s enmeshment, lying, and childhood trauma. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] How can we get the recovery support we need two years after disclosure? [6:19] What is too soon for couples therapy? [9:30] Why does my partner always walk in front of me? [13:43] Should I wait 30 more days for my betrayer to start respecting my boundaries? [19:24] Why are so many sex addicts enmeshed with a parent? [23:35] My therapist can’t believe I want to stay with my partner. Now what? [31:38] How can I hold space for my partner’s wounds and trauma? [38:03] How do I handle my partner’s incomplete information about his betrayal? [45:35] How can I understand my partner’s childhood trauma and patterns of withdrawal? [49:36] Why can’t my partner stop lovebombing me? [53:50] My partner is a sex and love addict, what does limerance mean? [57:10] “I don’t hate myself” – does my partner feel any shame? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “When both partners are stabilized in their own healing journeys, couples therapy is that much more effective.” “Your partner just wants to walk next to you in life.” “Are the actions you’re taking allowing me to move closer to you or forcing me to move further away from you?” “Choosing to stay in a relationship or choosing to go is something that only you deal with every day.” “Addiction doesn’t thrive in honesty. It has to thrive in lying.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again. TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change. [4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change. [5:33] Honesty is a complicated request. [9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors. [11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns. [17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation. [22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship? [24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing. [29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior. [34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships. [37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met. [41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner’s indignation and anger? [47:05] How can I respond to my partner’s promise to never hurt me again? [53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner? [56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “All lying is manipulative in the sense that you’re trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way.” “Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern.” “Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves.” “No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats.” “Even if you could prove that acting out didn’t occur, that’s not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren’t being met.” “You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter. [3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.” [6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.” [9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose. [14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything? [20:09] “All addicts are…” The danger of broad sweeping statements. [24:15] “Sobriety will solve all relationship problems.” [29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure? [34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery? [39:15] “Don’t go to the hareware store looking for bread.” [42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him? [45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing? [49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “You don’t quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you’re not thinking in terms of two-person systems.” “What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too.” “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.” “Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed.” “Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way.” “Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with.” “It doesn’t have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome.” “You can’t have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don’t take it seriously.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address participant questions about sex, intimacy, betrayal, and addiction. They answer questions about finding peace with yourself in the midst of rage and repulsion, choosing recovery and allowing the process of forgiveness to play out, and how to find hope in the midst of betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:00] Forgiveness is a process and recovery is a choice. [7:01] Are you taking care of your spouse while you’re dying inside? [12:26] Is in-house separation the next right step? [18:18] My husband’s betrayal has created chronic triggers in me. Now what? [26:56] Finding hope in the midst of betrayal. [27:44] What therapy is available to my lying partner? [36:16] What can I do to grow my emotional maturity when I’m stressed? [41:31] How can I move beyond my rage and repulsion at my betraying partner? [49:28] How do you know when your partner is serious about change or just going through the motions? [54:05] I have so much rage and I want revenge. How can I fix this? [57:44] Should I know what my partner’s arousal template is? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Begging for forgiveness is not respecting the other person because they need to hurt for a while.” “You’re the one with the problem if you still let him in your bed.” “Women are not the problem. Your cheating husband is the problem.” “Whatever the other person does, you have to be strong enough to say ‘I am worth more’.” “Don’t ask ‘how can I not feel this way?’ Ask ‘how can I be at peace with myself?’”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address the facts about forgiveness, trust, connection and peace, both in the early days of recovery as well as years down the road. They offer strategies for effective in-house separation, call out the warning signs of gaslighting, and get serious about setting feelings aside to start facing the facts. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] How can I find an accountability partner for filtering software? [7:20] Is it a slip or a relapse? [9:20] What are appropriate time frames and factors for recovery? [14:45] Healing, peace and connection after betrayal. [19:21] How can I intimately connect with my spouse after my betrayal? [25:47] I caught my husband in the middle of his lies. Now what? [33:24] Are there options for inpatient treatment for betrayed partners? [38:20] Strategies for effective in-house separation. [39:45] My husband wants to leave to find external validation, I want him to stay. What do I do? [44:53] Is my betraying partner gaslighting me through recovery too? [50:19] Is it normal for the betraying spouse to be terrified of formal disclosure? [54:17] How can we stay together without trust? [58:15] It’s been 5 years since D-day and I’m finally ready to move out. How can I stay strong in my decision? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Life is full of triggers. What is it that you’re going to do about your triggers?” “You will never trust in the same way again. But to be at peace is a whole different thing.” “Intimacy is revealing yourself emotionally, and ultimately, sexually as well.” “Honesty is the crux of recovery. You cannot be in recovery and constantly lying about everything.” “Feelings aren’t facts. In recovery, your feelings are less relevant than the facts of what you’re going through.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? [3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? [7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? [12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months. [19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out? [27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete? [31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault! [35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict? [44:10 How long does recovery take on average? [49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.” “The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.” “You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.” “What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.”
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past? [4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation? [9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent relapses? [13:35] How do I start the amends process with my betrayed spouse? [17:43] Why do betrayers have to go to Porn Addiction 101 through Seeking Integrity? [22:10] How can I handle my ex’s new girlfriend joining the family? [24:30] What does loving detachment really look like? [30:51] Can addicts and their partners heal outside the therapeutic setting? [34:20] What is the correlation between sex addiction and OCD? [36:41] How can I feel safe even though I have forgiven my partner? [41:05] What tools can an addict use to practice empathy with their partner? [42:25] What resources are available to get CSAT couples on the same page regarding key terms? [47:00] My partner’s blameshifting and defensiveness is escalating in therapeutic separation, what should I do next? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Stop the problematic behavior first, then address the underlying issues.” “I’m never in the later stages of recovery. Recovery is something I will do for my whole life.” “Your living amends happens when you act differently.” “If the worst thing happens, what are you going to do to take care of you?”
Troy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go? [6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying? [10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should know about? [17:09] Will I ever be able to live my life without triggers? [21:55] Are men and women meant to be in marital couples? It appears to be societal not biological. [24:40] How can I engage in healthy sexual activity, without blurring the lines between the patterns of my unhealthy sexual behavior? [30:16] I’m not sure my spouse is even sober, which treatment group is right for him? [34:03] How can I address the pain of recovery preemptively before I move to soothe by acting out? [38:42] My partner is still acting out and even harming others. How can I move forward? [41:19] My avoidant attachment style is making connection feel non-exisistent. [45:54] Has Seeking Integrity considered having a moderator who is a betrayed partner? [47:51] If relationships are so painful, why don’t we tell people that relationships aren’t for everyone? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Wounds need to be healed regardless of what choice you make about staying in a relationship.” “Every partner wants it to be all better right now, and that’s just not reality. You will always be an addict.” “Shame is going to unravel connection faster than anything else.” “We all have attachment wounds, and they are going to get bumped.”
Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity. [3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments? [4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs? [8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust? [16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is this normal? [20:04] Setting healthy boundaries after betrayal. [21:35] What are the statistics surrounding porn sobriety? [24:15] The danger of swearing that you’ll never act out ever again. [31:39] You are the only person that can take care of you. [33:30] Don’t believe an addict when they are love-bombing you. [36:41] Are 30% of men on dating sites really already married? [40:32] Recommended sources for healing the shame of my partner’s betrayal? [49:52] Is there a way to engage in self sexuality that would not be considered acting out? [53:40] What is the recommended protocol for moving through fallout from a therapeutic disclosure? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “When people come together and try to support each other and find a way to heal as a group, to me, that is a spiritual experience.” “To understand what I’m going through and really listen to me, that is intimacy.” “The only thing I can guarantee is that I’m consistently working on this and I’m committed to it.” “You are the only person that can take care of you.”
Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. [12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked. [25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal. [27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react. [31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple. [33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain? [40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law? [46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety. [49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.” “Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.” “The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.” “Self care is brain care.”
Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play? [7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves. [12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out? [18:56] Acknowledging the level of troubled your partner really is. [23:07] How can we connect through non-sexual intimacy? [30:02] Is it common for people with addictions to seek out others with similar problems? [38:42] Does our marriage counselor also need to be a CSAT? [41:42] My spouse is refusing a polygraph test. How can I ever trust him? [46:50] Should I address porn viewing or obsessive masturbation first? [49:47] My partner has been with underage girls. How do I handle this? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “As an addict, I need people to support me and relate to me, but as a spouse, that’s not your job.” “Addicts are not bad people. They’re broken people.” “If I fight my addict, I’m going to lose every time.” “The more questions you ask, the more questions it will bring up.” ‘Express what you need but don’t blame if you’re not getting it.”
Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace. [5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out? [9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior. [11:32] Healthy goals for a successful separation from an addicted partner. [17:18] The benefits of a period of separation in the healing journey. [19:00] Can married sex addicts use their spouses to act out even if they don’t have extramarital affairs? [24:45] My partner threatens to leave me if I don’t give her what she wants. What should I do? [25:30] My partner doesn’t like to talk about consequences if he acts out. What can I do? [29:45] How can I turn away from shame and toward growth and healing? [33:14] Should I report my ex to help keep women safe? [39:17] Is lying an inner circle behavior? [45:20] Should I hire a polygraph test to help me heal from my partner's lying behavior? [50:49] My partner is not being fully honest in therapy. What should I tell her CSAT to help us both? [52:34] Should I stop snooping even though I continually uncover my partner's lies? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Our willingness to change dramatically shifts when the consequences are more painful than continuing is.” “The person who is willing to stop and turn around and stare that generational pattern in the face and is willing to do the work can break the cycle for generations to come.” “Let each other go, or get a really solid plan together for the time that you’re separated.” “Your boundaries are about what you are going to do, and they require your partner to do nothing.” “I don’t have to have some kind of proof that something is dramatically off to set a boundary so that I feel safer.”
Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means. [4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior. [7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery. [9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal. [13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety. [21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery. [25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too. [29:21] What to do after you’ve tried unhealthy safety seeking. [31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal? [37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom. [39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended? [45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy. [46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd? [50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.” “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.” “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it’s creating safety.” “Don’t just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.”
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery. [15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave? [23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU. [27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now? [35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients? [41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work? [46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction? [49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “If you have a sex addiction, I don’t want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that’s healthy and honest.” “Addiction is not about the behavior, it’s about the function it serves.” “You have the opportunity to choose. You don’t have to stay stuck in this.” “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.”
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? [6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? [10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? [14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what? [22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one? [27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around? [33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner? [39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me? [44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction? [51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.” “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.” “Getting sober is not about not doing things.” “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.” “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.” “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.” “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”
This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other. TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Is disclosure always necessary? [3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are. [6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others? [9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love. [11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery. [13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool? [17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner. [22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership. [27:10] The importance of relational agreements. [30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship? [35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs? [42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements. [45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us? [49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.” “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.” “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.” “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.” “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.” “Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.”
In this week’s Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD? [6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders. [11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction? [16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn’t remember what he did? [20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery. [24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating? [31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details? [37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text? [39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues. [42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure? [44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction? [50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites? [53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner’s rage? [54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can’t act out together? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.” “Often the behavior looks manic, but it’s really addiction.” “Having one positive experience isn’t going to drive long-term change.” “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.” “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn’t change your life.” “Recovery isn’t about stopping behavior. It’s about integrity and doing the right thing.”