You Look Nice Today

Listen. It’s actually very simple. When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income. Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and—BOOM—you’re reviving even the most tired franchise. Mazel Tov!

ATTENTION! POOL RULES! Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15. Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool. This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times. Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a signed photo of Burt Reynolds. Towels available for a small fee—ask the Towel Troll for details. Water in the pool is a privilege, not a right! Just going to be honest here about going #1 and #2: going #1 is way less of a big deal than you think. Going #2 is way more of a big deal than you think. Do NOT talk to Randy about 9/11. NO CANADIANS Also: what’s your theme song; Adam the lion; cloggin’ a drain; seeing yourself in a mirror; grits etc.; Burt Reynolds; peeing on Car 17; splashing is not drowning; pool chairs for everyone bro; browsing TV Guide; Robin Hood of chaises; an original Playstation; The Meerkats and the Laundry Bag; nipples in a crawlspace; ask Quora; the sausage sweats.

TO: Paul Polman, CEO Unilever PLC London, United Kingdom Dear Mr. Polman, I hope you can help me. You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me. I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years. Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce. More specifically, I love to have sex with your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce. Yes, I am a salsaphile—someone who is stimulated by tomato-based sauces or purées. Yes, it is very real. The DSM-IV-TR (psychiatry’s literal Bible) almost refers to it several times. For years, I have loved Ragu Six Cheese. A fine purée and creamy balance of cheeses, lovingly microwaved for 45 seconds, has been my companion for so many otherwise lonely nights. In fact, two years ago I broke off my relationships with all other sauces and decided to see Ragu Six exclusively. After a final, lingering kiss with Newman’s Own Cabernet Marinara, I and Ragu Six were free to begin the next stage of our life together. Then, disaster. Some bean counter in your accounting department must have decided to cut costs. Suddenly, one Saturday evening, Ragu Six changed. The viscosity was off. The skin-feel was different. I looked down into my specially designed bowl and didn’t recognize the sauce staring back up at me. You might think that I am an isolated case, some lone “weirdo” with a grudge. Not true! The forum at NoShameTomato.org is on fire with dozens of complaints from folks who also preferred the amorous texture of the previous formula. Those are complaints from many different people who are definitely not me. Mr. Polman, I understand that you are probably not sexually aroused by a liquified Burpee Super Italian. But, please, I beg that you go back to the old recipe. Give me back the sauce I once loved so much. Best regards, Taylor Martin Grants Pass, OR Special introduction by Matthew “Frenchish” Latkiewicz. Also: Hidden Mickey and the eighth dwarf; a new kind of trust exercise and restaurant; Blueberry Morning; untenable stuff; Mexico is full of 200W bulbs and Concord Grape Pop Tarts; Maximum White Creme Pomade; writing to the CEO; ungrippable body wash; Action Line with the Wet Man; Depression-era food; welcome to The Jungle; brokavore gourmet; the CEO of Can; a handful of gravel; generics.

Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership! Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000. Very nice! [silence] Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of man who will do much research! Very nice. Well, for you? My manager approves: I take off $500! [silence] Hmmm, in your hand I see a check for the full retail price and a printed out email whose subject line I can clearly read as “FWD: car-buying tips from Dad.” Please dispose of worries—from me only, you get a fair deal! $24,000! Best international price! You check on computer sites. Very nice. [silence] You appear to be sweating, my friend. Would you like to sit down? What’s that? Ah, yes. Be well. Our wi-fi password is “N1ssanSux.” One word; no spaces. Very nice. [silence] $23,000 is as low as I can go. I pull my babies from school for you. [silence] No? No?!? Still too much? Very nice. $22,000 and a copy of the hit board game Scruples! My death like a mere dog is your good fortune, my friend! [silence] Argh! Again, you push too hard! Too hard! Very Nice!!! Okay. Yes yes yes yes yes! $21,000, AND the Scruples, AND a taste of the food you are literally taking from my child’s mouth. Very nice. [silence] I do not know how you do it! Please, accept my offer or they will fire me! $15,000 out the door. Scruples, free. Also a very small bust of Bette Midler. And Amish lathe. Many veins. My gift I make for you. Very nice. [silence] Yes. Okay. You think about it. Talk to wife. Sure. Good. I bring more coffee and fresh Pop-O-Matic. Yes. [silence] Very nice, my friend. Very. Very. Nice. [silence]

Thieving Threesome Nabbed (California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416. “This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some kind of extremely roomy jumpsuit.” Also strange, he said, were the items they attempted to steal. A partial list: • King James bible • Cap gun caps • Advil • 60 Minutes box set • Mossimo Hyper-jacket • 6 loaves of Wonder bread • Wine glasses • A Tivo • 42 bottles of Beano One witness, who asked not to be identified, had an up-close view of the incident: “I don’t know how they thought they’d get out of there with all that stuff,” she said. “Sure, they tried to cram some of it into their jumpsuits, but it was just spilling out of their clothes. They walked past the security guard just as nonchalant as can be, making eye contact, smiling and nodding as if they had nothing to hide. And if the store alarm hadn’t gone off, they might have gotten away with it, too.” The three say they were obtaining supplies for their group’s annual “Doin’ It for the Kids” celebration, in which pediatric burn victims compete in a series of events for the coveted “Gelly” award. Sources inside the group revealed that the Gellies Local 416 chapter has been struggling financially for years. Also: Simpson’s Speculation vs. Lisagor’s Constant, the red cloud button, stem of a snifter, the Full Rooney, whiskey for the house, haha that wine label made me laugh just kidding it’s the worst, bodegalier, preemptive delivery service, Adam’s other apartment, don’t really ever wink ever, buddy waiter, guilty innocence, Advil snatch, just to feel something, anything, friendship union, The Tilders, play that back in Latin, a fez and a tiny car, Knights of Caesar, blast that window.

https://assets.fireside.fm/file/fireside-images/podcasts/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/episodes/b/b4c472d3-440f-4b45-9c84-3b745acc94e1/header_small.jpg?ver=1 Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us: • Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward. • DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover. • No sighing in the doughnut line. • Just stop tapping your goddamned foot fer chrissakes. • Uncle Blackman’s Enthusiastic Antebellum Sprinting Adventure is closed for renovation until further notice. • Keep a sharp eye out for “Hidden Deppies” • Climbing on the Leon Uris shelf is strictly prohibited. • No insie-outsies on “Lock-In Night.” • Only children under 42 inches in height are permitted to romp in Erma’s Cherry Bowl—and each child MUST be accompanied by a non tripping-balls parent. • SORRY! After June 7, 1998, Arlo’s “Shuck Bux” will no longer be honored. • Thank you in advance for not discussing disused aspect ratios. • Cut line early on rides you like. Lines are for babies. • The Sacristy is not there for making-out. Sacristy only likes you as a friend—and not actually all that much to be honest. • PLEASE don’t slam your locker door. • Q*bert ALWAYS hits on “16.” You may double-down on aces and Robotron. • The Parade will NOT stop in the event you are injured by a Moog. • SHAME on you. Seriously.

The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear! First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, pressed, steamed, folded, blocked, shanty-towned, gathered, pinned, stapled, re-steamed, cobblered, new-jacked, and–yes–packed. To help you get your own Summer bag rolling in style, take a minute to inventory your way through our indispensable You Look Nice Today Packing List: Cobbler Steam Alarm 501 Peg ’n Spike Kit Nipponese House Tote Arm Garters Retail-Rated Folding Board(s) Bamboo Clipboard Sanitary and Diabetes Socks Banana Smudge Staple Gun (emptied and locked, per TSA regulations) Burn Creams, Salves, and Unguents Functional Parfait Foster Transformer Best of luck, have a terrific Summer, and try not to let your legs explode. Imagine it….

We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know. To honor that love, we worked with a team of chefs to create signature sushi rolls for each of us. First, we went to Japan and found some masters of the form. Then we taught them English and made them listen to all of our shows, over and over, until they had distilled the essence of each of us into a roll. Here they are—invite your friends over for a YLNT Sushi Night sometime soon. The Merlin Roll: copy of Cheri magazine (June 1978), Hüsker Dü T-shirt, mayonnaise. The Scott Roll: pantyhose, glossy photograph of Harry Anderson, mayonnaise. The Adam Roll: nunchucks, B♭dim7 chord, mayonnaise. Also: Sushi DMV, pupu platter, Tuna Corn Mayonnaise, kiwanis roll, the Andrew Jackson with extra hickory, two types of foreigner, $50 squid, lobster drag, dinner theater, is it vegetarian if she throws it away, Tevas, “My mussel’s name is Sandy,” ma, the jute chewers, churn for a living, Andie MacDowell and a Sofia Mini.

https://files.fireside.fm/file/fireside-uploads/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/aENk1CS_.jpg Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales. It’s a start.

“Baby City” Trad., to the tune of “Tabula Rasa” by Arvo Pärt Babies are special babies are tough babies have smooth skin NE-VER rough! Have you been to this place this magical land where everyone’s a baby (baby hearts, baby hands baby hearts, baby hands baby hearts, baby hands) Baby policeman! Baby D.A.! Baby court-appointed defense attorney! Baby bus driver! Baby hobo! Incredible babies Go babies go! Also: No thanks twins, Paregoric, Whaddaburger, Pacific Rims, airplane cures, can you pause it, toy robot, the miracle of childbirth, tubs, dilation-related study materials, music jokes.

We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it. This episode is about friendship. (And some other stuff. Well, mostly other stuff.) We never would have had the chance to make this if it weren’t for our friend Jesse Thorn—the brains, gumption, and do-juice behind MaxFunCon. So Jesse, this episode is for you. Throughout the month of May, whenever we make number three, we’ll be thinking only of you. (Please note: this is the show that Jad Abumrad was at, and he totally laughed.) One last note: print this out & show us your Winston face for 15% off your first Maraschino Isopropyl at Mommy Needs a Minute. Look for a franchise opening soon, in your kitchen, as soon as I find that corkscrew… Black and white photos by Jon Deal. Photo #2 by Noe Montes. Photo #3 by Katie Spence. Photo #4 by Merlin.

Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction Beginning @ 9:00 AM-85 Herston Rd. Long Beach, CA Feb 8, 2010 Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M. Auction With Reserve Will Be Conducted By: Leroy D. Plaavs, III, License #KCL6232 Notice: LIQUIDATION OF THEIR 15’ x 25’ EXECUTIVE STORAGE UNIT WILL BEGIN PROMPTLY AT 7:30 ALL ITEMS SOLD AS-IS ORIGINAL OWNERS WILL LIKELY BE PRESENT, DISGUISED AS POTENTIAL BUYERS Summary: Sellers are forced, after years of negative cash flow, to liquidate their storage locker as a condition of their bankruptcy claim. Sellers identify themselves as “We Look Nice,” an internet group. Items for sale include memorabilia and other items related to the sellers’ childhoods, including: Butterfly knives Player piano rolls Several boxes of generic LEGO clone called MARGO Autographed photo of Ira Glass Autographed photo of Pete Rose (same signature as above) Museum-quality collection of antique popcorn poppers Nail parings Inspirational poster, “CHANGE” 250 copies of self-published book, “The Annotated Penthouse Letters” …and much more PAYMENT MAY BE MADE IN THE FORM OF DOLLARS, YUAN, FLOOZ, OR COMPLIMENTS THAT SOUND LIKE YOU MEAN IT. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SELLERS, THEY’RE STILL PRETTY SAD ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING Photo: Boxed-in, by patries71 TLJ Bizcard by JasPer

Subject: #1228743 “Mann” Application Date: September 4, 1980 Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is Subject’s 12th separate application to the Board in just the past 2 years. No signs of progress. Pictured, above, is Subject’s self-declared “Summer Transformation.” No comment is required other than to note the outfit, which includes a web belt, painter’s pants, fake Adidas “four-striper” sneakers, a Dallas Cowboys T-shirt, and, tragically, Mork suspenders. It is the recommendation of this Coolness Officer that Subject be allowed to re-apply to the Board not less then two (2) years from now, or after the cessation of puberty, whichever is soonest. APPLICATION STATUS: DENIED (UNCOOL) ASSOCIATED MEDIA: cyber goth dreads Enter the Dragon mirror scene Hey Baby by Bruce Channel Sad Eyes by Robert John Infinity by Journey PHOTOS: Merlin Mann (top), Wikia (bottom)

https://files.fireside.fm/file/fireside-uploads/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/3RKsN4UA.jpg Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia Hotspots starts in 5 minutes! For just a few dollars we’ll take you on an all-day tour of The City with a Nickname. Some highlights: Discuss fonts n’ ligatures with Merlin Mann at the Benjamin Franklin Museum’s authentic replica printing press. Stroll briskly through “transitional” neighborhoods with YLNT Gentrification Ambassador Scott Simpson. Hit the Burlington Coat Factory with your personal shopper for the day, Adam Lisagor. He’ll show you how to cry in the dressing room without leaving unsightly tear stains. After the tour, go with friends old and new to any local Curves™ franchise. Present a copy of this website for 15% off any CurveBurger or Curvey Fries. Seriously. Thanks PHL, you were the hottest one-night stand. Our favorite September 17, 2009 ever. Love, Youse Look Nice Today Photos: Top & bottom photo by Merlin. All other photos by Scott Troyan. Great work, Scott!

While under the influence of y, we reveal that: Merlin once put x in an envelope. Scott hoped another guy’s x would draw attention away from his own -(x). Adam = 2x. If y = “tequila,” solve for x. Also: Belch alert. Home invasion defense strategies, Breakin’ In to find new friends, the tyranny of drinking glass etiquette, deep in Larry David territory, tip strategies, Adam’s got another ninja sword, Scott’s got a flask, Merlin’s got a cognitive bias.