Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward.

• DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover.

• No sighing in the doughnut line.

• Just stop tapping your goddamned foot fer chrissakes.

• Uncle Blackman’s Enthusiastic Antebellum Sprinting Adventure is closed for renovation until further notice.

• Keep a sharp eye out for “Hidden Deppies”

• Climbing on the Leon Uris shelf is strictly prohibited.

• No insie-outsies on “Lock-In Night.”

• Only children under 42 inches in height are permitted to romp in Erma’s Cherry Bowl—and each child MUST be accompanied by a non tripping-balls parent.

• SORRY! After June 7, 1998, Arlo’s “Shuck Bux” will no longer be honored.

• Thank you in advance for not discussing disused aspect ratios.

• Cut line early on rides you like. Lines are for babies.

• The Sacristy is not there for making-out. Sacristy only likes you as a friend—and not actually all that much to be honest.

• PLEASE don’t slam your locker door.

• Q*bert ALWAYS hits on “16.” You may double-down on aces and Robotron.

• The Parade will NOT stop in the event you are injured by a Moog.

• SHAME on you. Seriously.