High Maintenance Mommy

Discussing my journey with post partum anxiety, which I didn’t even know existed. Yay! It was a journey for me. Through therapy, and reaching out to other Moms, I found out I had Post-Partum anxiety. Constantly worried about my child in the worst of ways- to the point that it was extremely unhealthy. I woke up at all hours of the night to make sure she was breathing. I consistently had intrusive thoughts about the safety of places or the lack there of. I’m my mind at least. It was physically and mentally draining and I can’t thank my therapist enough. My partner helped but at a certain point I needed a professional. No shame in that, and you are NOT alone!

Listen, I’m not saying I hate school, but I’m not saying I don’t hate it either. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Talking about the gut wrenching reality all Moms face that very first day of school. From what I understand, no, it doesn’t get easier. Cue my long and dramatic feelings towards the entire situation! So many people tell you to value “those days” and “they won’t be that young forever”! To which we all collectively give one large eye roll. Then it finally happens, where you do just that, and you wish for “those days” to be back. At least I did. The days are long but the years are short. Fucking hell, it was all true. Then there I was- blubbering in my car alone. SOBBING. Uncontrollably. If that is you, or if that will ever be you, just know it will happen. Know that a lot of the other Moms are feeling it too, but know you’ll also be so damn proud with every milestone. Hang in there, Mamas! It is so fucking hard to watch them grow, but a joy as well.

How many of us who want to homeschool have heard THIS. This exact line! First of all, I am weird. So, thank you random person not living my life for telling me my future!! Appreciate you. Seriously this is the most archaic view of homeschooling there is. Not to mention, I don’t want my kid to follow the crowd. I want them to go against the grain and learn to think for themselves. If that makes them “weird” to you- bring on the effing weirdness baby!! At the end of the day if you choose a more traditional route for school, or homeschool, it is our jobs as a parents to fill in the gaps. However, I think we can all agree education hasn’t been our highest priority as a country. They have pushed college since I was a kid completely diminishing very talented children, because those kids don’t thrive in an academic setting. Let’s rewind a little bit also. At three years old we all learned by playing, and experiencing. I think I can handle that part at home. In no way am I knocking school!! I LOVED learning. I was obsessively reading Shakespeare at ten! My Mom would save up her tips so I could lose my mind at the book fairs. We love school. But that doesn’t mean it is the best option for every kid, and it honestly might not be for mine either. But I’m going to try every avenue, and see what truly fits for our family. We also do not value teaching our children to be self reliant humans. How to make their own meals, grow their own food, and learn a couple of trades along the way. I think we’ve spent a long time trying to coddle everyone. For fucks sake most of my generation can’t sew on a button, or grill a damn chicken. Not my journey and I’m not sorry for that.

I think a lot of my generation, and probably generations before us, can relate to a variation of this saying: “Well, I am not your friend- I’m your parent.” Let’s be real there is some damn truth to that. I will ALWAYS have to enforce boundaries, guide my child, and be a parent. I just don’t think that means I can’t have a meaningful friendship with them as well. The most important social circle that we seek acceptance from, is our parents/family. If I am trying to models my behavior to help her own emotions, then I kind of want to give her an example of what a good friendship looks like. All of our children are going to have a crash course on friendship once they are in school. That is fair to say, right? But it’s more than that. When it comes time to make decisions do you want your kid(s) to immediately think, “I could NEVER confide in my Mom- she just wouldn’t understand!” Or would you rather them think, “I am going to tell my Mom because she would know how to help me through.” I know what you’re thinking, and yes, teenagers can be turds! There’s a high probability she will do some dumb shit! But at the end of the day she will know her parents will listen. That we will have compassion and not immediately reject her for her mistakes. We will have clear and strong boundaries…but will also hear her out. Be in her corner. We all often speak of leading by example as parents. So, to me, it makes perfect sense that I’d strive to be a great example of a genuine good friend. Take a listen, and tell me what you think!

This weeks mini, and I am site the future of all mini episodes, will be a short episode of my short ramblings. I discuss a few topics that have been on my mind, but don’t dedicate an entire full episode to! I’ve been dying to do these mini episodes for anyone who just needs a short little pick me up. It’s like I’m just genuinely having a conversation with y’all over a cup of coffee! And I love this journey for us. As usual, if you want to subscribe tap the link at the end of the episode!

We all know the saying, “You shouldn’t do something nice if you’re expecting something in return.” While I mostly agree with this statement, I eventually want to be able to expect the bare minimum from people in my life. At what point do we say, Ok I deserve someone to show up in return? I have spent years giving, and giving, and giving- but to what end? I’m sorry, but yes, at this point in my life I expect some sort of kindness in return. There is a difference between making everything transactional, and genuinely knowing that you deserve more than crumbs in return. I do have some expectations as I hope the ones I love expect more from me as well. When it comes to who is important in your life- have some expectations and standards. I expect my partner to show up as a father and partner. As he expects me to show up as a Mother.

Listen you can read every book, listen to every podcast, gentle parent like a fucking champ, and you are still going to be ANNOYED when they’re is goldfish being stomped into your carpet. I talk about all the overwhelming annoyances we experience in motherhood. This isn’t a bash my child fest, but damn, hearing “what’s that” a thousand times before noon will make your eye twitch. We know WHY they are doing it- still annoyed! This is CLEARLY developmental- still annoyed. Lol. Ahhh. Then comes the Mom guilt for being irritated, and perhaps even scolding your family for some silence. Even if you’re not a Mom I think we can all relate to the feeling of those particular days just irritating the absolute hell out of you. We’re only human! At least I try to tell myself that as I lay awake at night beating myself up for being so DONE, and overwhelmingly (you guessed it) ANNOYED!!!! No one puts this shit in the rule books. Hope you guys enjoy and, as always, feel a little less alone. Come on this annoying little journey with me!

Lately I’ve been talking to many people about the unfortunate side of healing, and growing into a different version of yourself. If you are doing the deep inner work, you know it’s like shedding your old skin/your former self. Such an intense and transitional time! As your shedding this skin you honestly just feel LONELY. It’s intense what can start happening when you hold people accountable for their actions…including yourself! I keep blabbing about how having boundaries isn’t easy but skipped over that huge part- loneliness. However, when I look back and evaluate situations, I realize that I was lonely all along. I just never had the courage to sit with it. Instead I let that noise infiltrate the nooks and cranny’s of my life, as it helped me escape from having to address anything! I may be more alone- literally. But freedom can seem overwhelmingly lonely when you are surrounded by people who have grown to think they like what is shackling them. Once again, we’ve replaced merely being comfortable with actually living authentically. So ask yourself: Were you actually really lonely, but surrounded by noise? Because nothing is worse than being surrounded by people, only to realize you truly were alone the whole time. Choose freedom, friends! Choose “loneliness” over mediocrity, and complacency. Love you!

Who here has been victimized by Carissa O?! This one was hard for me, but I’m ALWAYS telling you guys to stand firm in your boundaries. To consider the source when it comes to someone being mean, but I open up about how I WAS that mean person. This is from the perspective of someone who lashed out for years, and was unnecessarily mean for years. When I look back I see an insecure girl in pain, who was angry, resentful, and honestly fucking mad. It kept people at an arms distance, and also conveniently allowed me to take little to no ownership for my own actions. I’m here to tell you from experience it gets you nowhere. In the episode I talk about me being mean and how it was basically an invitation into my bullshit. Don’t RSVP to those bullshit invitations y’all! It’s hard for me to admit this to you guys, let alone publicly for anyone to hear. I do not live in the past, but felt it was important to acknowledge that last version of myself. And I may not like that part of myself but I’m so proud that girl made the decision to get here. To this point of truly loving myself, and not identifying with my traumas alone. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing grows from our comfortable places in life. I had to get really uncomfortable and realize that, at times, the problem was ME. Talk about a gut punch. But I’m so proud to be here, and to have the opportunity to share this in an incredibly vulnerable way. I love you guys!

Season two: Talking about the trolls that inevitably slide into to every Mom creators DM’s. Then diving into the deeper discussion on how we value our partners. As a stay at home Mom the comments all seem to be the same. “Quit complaining if you hate motherhood so much!” “He pays all of the bills, this is your job. Suck it up!” Or something like that. Like this particular man troll has to stand up for poor husbands everywhere who are expected show up. Then we wonder why Mothers, or default parents, are overwhelmed. Is it really such a mystery? Also, remind me why you can’t participate with your children? They need you too, so why should it all fall on ONE persons shoulders?! No, thank you. We shun Mothers who aren’t able to do it all. Please show me a person who can? Everyone deserves a break. Particularly from the hardest job in the world? Even if you don’t have children- show up. Too often we forget we are on the same team. How much is your partner worth? If you have a family- how much are they worth to you? I’ll give you part of the answer: they are worth a hell of a lot more than whatever your paycheck is. Don’t waste the opportunity to love your family, because you are choosing to be a…it reminds with click.

I’m sure some people will assume I’m automatically telling you to cut off your parents. No. But if you have a truly toxic parent, or caregiver who refuses help, then what options are left? I will never think it is ok to take someone abuse, simply because they are a parent. Or family member, as we all already know. Parents are no different. I talk about the lack of capacity for that type of love. Simply put, they are probably hurting themselves. Does this then justify the behavior? Absolutely not. I talk about shifting the responsibilities. It was the responsibility of the parent to be the caregiver that child needed. So why would a child be responsible for continuing a relationship that never met their needs to begin with? This is not to judge ANY parent, but boundaries aren’t about hating the other person. It’s about loving yourself enough to know that you deserve better, and no one gets a free pass to make you feel unimportant- even your parents. Through the actions of the parents, or lack there of, that is exactly what it feels like as a child. My needs and wants were never important enough to be acknowledged. It should never be the child’s responsibility to maintain the toxic relationship. It should fall in the parent to seek help. You will always love your parents, but it is never a child’s responsibility to counsel their parent for any reason.

Let’s be real with what I was getting at in episode one: let’s not raise future people pleasers. Let’s not raise kids who purposely try to make themselves more “likable” to please someone else’s feelings. Let’s raise kids who know boundaries, and know how to stand firmly in who they are. I could literally talk about this topic until the end of my days. To me, obedience means a future people pleasing adult. And I’m sorry, I just will never want that for my kid. Doesn’t society make us feel as though we have to “people please” enough? Excuse my French, but fuck that. No thanks. I’d rather raise a Beth Dutton, than a Jamie Dutton. I said what I said.

I take a back seat this week to truly let Jessica take the lead on this one. She has so much knowledge on the subject, and for those who have survived, it’s honestly Fucking refreshing. From trying to get out, to identifying if it’s abuse in the first place. It isn’t “awesome” that she went through it, but it is awesome being able to RELATE. So often society, and even your own inner circle, downplay emotional abuse. Intentionally or not, it can begin to make your feelings seem less valid. Not to mention people telling you, “Well, you chose them!” As Jessica says, “I didn’t choose abuse.” You didn’t choose abuse. I know I spent years just trying to realize the toll it took on me. Gaslighting has a way of doing that to a person! I had to be real with myself, and it was uncomfortable as hell. I can’t lie. No part of it is easy, but trust me, there can be peace on the other side. Her insight on the subject already made me feel less alone, and I can absolutely see why her clients trust her. We really attempted to ask questions that could help, and are even talking about a part two. I could have spent hours diving into the subject. Identifying signs, and listening to her perspective made a lot of things align for me- even now! Years and years later. Because the trauma doesn’t just go away, and healing isn’t linear. And as we all should know- THAT IS OK. But we all deserve peace. I hope this brings you some. Love you all.

Yes, I know a lot of people won’t give a shit. But I’m here to tell you, I NEVER thought I’d be here. I am living proof that shit could work out! Lol. But seriously, if you’re ever feeling like shit is just NOT coming together- there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Plus, we’re gearing up for the emotional abuse coach coming on next week! I truly want to help anyone who needs it, if you’re feeling a little stuck in your relationship. I love you all and kids or no kids- go after the life you want. Literally love your best life, sis! I love you all, and I’m engaged bitch!

Talking about gentle, or intentional, parenting. Also discussing how I don’t want my child to be perceived as “good” simply because they are agreeable. Or “obedient”. I want to raise a child that feels safe enough to tell me they didn’t like something, or don’t feel comfortable in situations. Not to be confused with a lack of boundaries. But rather letting a kid truly be a kid and be allowed to be inquisitive. For far too long we’ve expected children to “tow the line”, and it’s just not how I wanna do things around here!

If there is one thing I could tell my younger self it would be, is to have standards! Know what you deserve, and have the expectation that your partner SHOULD show up for you. You deserve all the things that should come with a genuine love. A love that isn’t transactional, or dependent purely on what you give. We all deserve healthy communication, and to be heard. Since I can’t tell my younger self that, and I don’t want to because it led me here, I will show my daughter. I will show her to love herself enough to know when to walk away- easier said than done. Trust me, I know! I can’t save her from everything, but I CAN control how I model the first romantic relationship she ever sees. Her father and I. And I will be damned if I don’t show up everyday and be present to the life I’ve always wanted. While also saying it’s ok to bitch about the hard parts! Just because you have a life worth living, doesn’t mean we won’t have bad days. And that it all ok too!

A part two to the initial discussion of generational traumas. What that looks like now, as a Mother. The days that can be tough, but we still show up and try our best. Even when it can feel overwhelming as all hell, and you are ready to take a nap right after you wake up, you still show it. It is hard setting the boundaries, and on top of it all feeling alone. That’s ok! I hope every Mom who feels the weight of feeling lonely due to lack of family feels seen in this episode.

Discussing being unapologetically yourself, while also trying to remain kind. Haley is a gem of a human who so graciously opens up about her own journey with infertility. Breaking patterns and living out your entire truth- whatever that looks like for YOU. Not only that, but she gives some insight into what it can feel like when people want to give their opinions, and how to hold true to who you are! On top of it all she is ALSO a boss babe running her own business. Seriously- check that out! We go over the importance of women supporting women and how fulfilling it can be when you are rooting for each other. It is not a competition. We all can learn from one another and be successful alongside one another. On a mission to build genuine connections via social media, and to ALWAYS make some our fellow ladies out there listening or watching (or both!) feel a little less alone. I encourage everyone to check it out, even to feel her bright light she puts out into the world. She also keeps it on hundred percent real all of the time. Which, I dont know about you, but it is honestly inspiring the HELL out of us over here. LOVE YOU GUYS ALWAYS.

For any of my mothers who have been on the receiving end of any judgement for partaking in cannabis-this is for you. I hope you feel seen. For any Moms struggling with mental health and need medication- this is also for you! Where can we all sign up for more understanding and compassion towards one another. Consuming cannabis is what I do, it is not who I am. It does not define me. Showing up for your children everyday does indeed count for something, even on the days where you do not feel like you are enough. If the worst thing someone can say is that you consume cannabis, I would say that isn't so terrible. I want you to know more than anything else that you are enough. Even when you get lonely, and let those unwanted opinions of others creep in, you are fucking ENOUGH. You are so much more than that, and I hope you have a safe space to be your authentic self. Even when we can be under scrutiny. This is for all my mom's listening that are not comfortable using their voice on such a public platform but want to feel heard. I hear you. I see you. AND I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

I go a little deeper into my past, and my own demons I’ve had to fight. Also if you can find a gently used-to almost new village at a local goodwill? This is for my Mommas who struggled with their village, and who put forth boundaries to protect their peace. Who let go of anything that no longer serves them, so you can live authentically, and without constant fear. This is for the Moms who DID know how they were going to parent before having children, because they knew and promised they’d do better. I love you. It’s not always easy but so worth it! Come join me, and share your experiences! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to my tribe of people. My chosen family who got me here today.