Megan says she put her adopted mother through the ringer emotionally when she was a teenager. She thinks that’s partially because of her anger with her birth mother over her relinquishment. Most adoptees have no clue whom they’re setting out to find when searching for biological relatives, but Megan knew precisely who her birth mother was and what she looked like. In reunion, she found her half-brother who knew Megan’s birth father’s identity, because they were friends.

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Megan (00:04 ):

He was basically robbed. You know, I felt so terrible for him. He was robbed of a child. He was only 23 when I was born and he didn't have any other children after me. So I was only titled and I felt really bad that he was robbed as having, you know, a child

Damon (00:27 ):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:38 ):

This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Megan. She called me from Los Angeles. One of my favorite places. Megan says she put her adopted mother through the ringer emotionally when she was a teenager. And she thinks that's partially because of her anger with her birth mother over her relinquishment. Most adoptees have no clue whom they're setting out to find when searching for biological relatives. But Megan knew precisely who her birth mother was and what she looked like. In reunion she found her half brother who knew exactly who Megan's birth father was because they were friends. This is Megan's journey. Megan was born in Pomona, California. She's in her twenties and her parents are in their sixties. So they were closer in age to being her grandparents than parents, she says she has a loving family and she had a really great childhood despite feeling different from them. She calls herself a black sheep in the family

Megan (01:46 ):

I was adopted in like a great family. I was a little bit of a black sheep, or I thought I was, I still kind of feel that way, but my childhood was awesome. You know, like my family is so loving. My grandparents were so amazing. I almost like going back to being a kid. I almost didn't really feel adopted until I got into my teen years. And you know, every, every teenager goes through, you know, the hard times and the hormones go crazy. And, but my childhood was amazing. I wouldn't change anything for the world. It definitely got harder when I hit teenage years. For sure. That's when I noticed, okay, I'm adopted.

Damon (02:24 ):

Yeah. Tell me, tell me a little bit about that feeling of being a black sheep.

Megan (02:28 ):

It's weird because my younger sister, who's almost 16. She's also adopted from another family. And, um, that's actually where I noticed that the most, you know, she is so different than me and she doesn't want to know anything, not curious. And I've always screamed at the rooftops how much I need to know and how much I want to know. And my mom always had a really difficult time with me wanting to know and me talking about my birth mother and, um, you know, she never admitted it, but I think she was very threatened my birth mother, even though, obviously I didn't know her. So when I started hitting my teenage years, I started noticing like, okay, I'm so different from everyone in my family. It was, it was an alone feeling. It was very alone. It's very depressing because I just wanted to fit in and be like my family, even though, you know, I knew I never would be because I'm so different.

Damon (03:19 ):

Megan said, one way she's different from her family is her desire to openly explore feelings and emotions while her family is more quiet about some harder conversations, of course, getting non adoptees to understand your feelings. Even if they're your family can be really tough.

Megan (03:36 ):

Everyone's so quiet and they don't want to talk about anything. And I'm going to talk about everything. I want to dive deep and get into the real nitty gritty, ugly parts of everything of licensing adopted. And it seemed that it was not, it was almost like they didn't want me to talk about it. And it was kind of like hushed. My dad was a little different. He always kind of, I was felt like he understood. And it was nice to kind of have that confidant there, but it was mostly just, they don't talk about feelings and it it's hard for me because all I wanted to do. And when I did, it was like, I was shut down so much and it was hard for me. I kept a lot of that inside of me. And it really affected my mental health for a long time. It still does.

Damon (04:19 ):

mmhm] how do you mean effect? what do you mean by it affected your mental health? In what way?

Megan (04:22 ):

No, I censored myself a lot and I made myself small and I made myself as quiet as I can because I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to argue anymore. I didn't want to do any of those things. So I just kept myself quiet and small and I'm not quiet, not small for anyone that knows the I'm very loud and very passionate about everything I talk about, especially being an adoptee and adoption. And it's hard to kind of having to keep myself so quiet. It ate me up inside completely and really made me kind of act out and rebel.

Damon (04:56 ):

Megan said she invested 12 years in therapy to work through her emotions. I asked her about some of the ways she acted out.

Megan (05:04 ):

Oh gosh, I snuck out of the house. I lit up cigarettes and I was like 15. And I just did everything. My mom said, no, you can't do it. No, you can't really do it. you can't go to the movies with your friends, I throw a temper tantrum and eventually I just go, you know, go anyway. Um, just anything she told me, Megan, you cannot do it. I said, yes, I can. And I did it school awful for me. I was very bad in school. I mean, I have a learning disability as well, which made it much more difficult. It was hard. It was really hard growing up and realizing that a lot of my issues were stems from my abandonment and how I felt inside. I felt I didn't feel worthy of love because I just felt, you know, if my birth mother couldn't love me and didn't want me, then why would anyone else? And I really pushed everyone away and especially my mom and my parents, and I just did anything, anything I could to piss them off and make it difficult for them. You know, I'm in my thirties and my mother has grey hair.

Damon (06:06 ):

Was there a while there where your rebellion was unconscious. And then as you started to really begin to identify with your own adoption, that it became more conscious or vice versa. Do you know what I mean?

Megan (06:22