Oh h*ck yeah! Your hosts done done it again, y'all: we goofed around and talked a whole lot about the Gospel of John. You'd think after going through this stuff four times, we'd be a little more efficient, but no. It turns out that there have been centuries of debate focused entirely on John 1:1, and it goes like you'd expect from there. Join us on the first part of our journey through the final canonical gospel (and by far the weirdest) as we meet a new and unknowable Jesus who is known by His first sign: turning Purple Stuff into Sunny D. Plus, we meet like eight Johns who might actually be one John, because who even knows anymore. You, uh, might want to familiarize yourself with Grant Morrison before you listen to this one, because we go deep.

Topics of discussion: John 3:16 , Austin 3:16 , the Invisibles, the Matrix, Dark City, They Live, and other pop cultural touchstones, Gothy Magic Stuff, God's Fiction Suit, Benito's extremely bad joke, John the Baptist, John the Apostle, John the Presbyter, John the Revelator, Prester John, the Beloved Disciple, Homer and Chris's incredible disillusionment with the ancient world, John's virulent anti-semitism, dunking on Moses, 009, HaShem, the Word (aka the Discourse aka the Tiger Force), Desiderius Erasmus, the Heresy of Sabellianism, the Arian Heresy, Adoptionism, the Great Baptism Fight, Nathaniel the Secret Apostle, Simon Peter "The Rock" Johnson, Jesus being really mean to Mary for no discernible reason like what the h*ck, Jesus's good good wine, Jesus's whip and how the Castlevania franchise dropped the ball hard, Nicodemus and the most ridiculous question in the entire Bible, Samaritans explained at last, Jesus's Secret Food, the angel jacuzzi, boataportation, Undercover Jesus.

Happy Hanukkah, everybody! If you liked the show, why not head over to ko-fi.com/apocrypals to give us a love offering?