Since this entire podcast is based on the Myers-Briggs system as well as the Enneagram, I highly recommend you listen to episode 2 and 3 at some point. For a quick review the Ox is a stable rule follower… think Ox living in a stable, the Lion is brave and craves freedom, the Eagle is independent, curious and proud, and the Human is emotional and relational. Lions and Eagles are challengers and difficult to parent! You will also hear me referring to “Types 1-9” and this comes from Episode 3 which is an introduction to an amazing system for growing human potential called the Enneagram.

Today’s episode applies to every human being on the planet! The perceiving and judging functions J and P in the Myers-Briggs system, determine how we live our lives. The P types are driving a convertible through life with the wind in their hair an no particular destination in mind. The J types are driving a sedan on a highway with a GPS. They are more serious, intentional, and structured. But what happens when you mix the two up and put them all under one roof? Opposites attract so there is a chance you could be a J married to a P. I will give a quick test in this episode so you can get an idea which one you are. We live in a J society but the Ps in our life make things fun. I was doing a seminar and one of the Lion dads was cracking a joke, and I made the mistake of saying your Pness is showing. I will never live that one down and will never do that again! Stay tuned to the end for five amazing tips for working with your P child.

Perceiving and Judging, P or J, Free Spirit or Rule Follower

Judgers live their lives by following the rules, checking things off the box, making lists, and sticking to time frames. Perceivers live their lives much more spontaneously, forging their own path and leaving their options open. The P or Perceiving and J or Judging preferences are most likely impacting your household in the biggest way since these preferences determine how we live our life on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis. Perceivers crave freedom and a top-down, wind-in-your-hair, convertible way of living life. Judgers crave structure and a more top-up, neatly coiffed, sedan existence. A true Perceiver is driving a convertible, without a GPS, on an off-the-beaten path, curvy road. A true Judger is in a sedan with a GPS on a straight, well-traveled highway. Many people bristle at the term Judger because people automatically associate it with being judgmental. However, Judging functions help us make decisions and limit our possibilities. Everyone has two Judging functions and two Perceiving functions that make up their personality. If there were no Judging functions, we would all be sitting around like useless blobs, unable to decide when to eat, sleep, or do anything else.

Since all children tend to be somewhat free-spirited, these preferences can be harder to detect when they are younger. Perceivers hate being inhibited with too many boundaries, so it is possible that you will notice an extreme reaction when you stand in the way of their freedom. They prefer the unconventional way of doing things and tend to have difficulty finishing what they started. They also frequently struggle to be on time, follow directions, or stick to a plan. Judging children like to learn the “right way” to do something and are willing to follow conventional parenting styles. They like finishing what they start and knowing what to expect. It might sound like a Judging child is every parent’s dream. For the most part, they are a bit easier to understand, but I get plenty of calls about Judging types that are too controlling.

I worked with an amazing adoptive mom of four kids. I want to give a shout out to all my adoptive parents because you are some of the most amazing parents on the planet! Please share this podcast if you are friends with an adoptive parent. Sometimes these parents don’t get to know these children as babies. It is the same way with the step parents I work with. This mom told me she had a voice inside her head that was always wondering if her kids were happy in their new home. One of her daughters, in particular, seemed quiet and reserved. No matter what this mom did to connect with this daughter, it didn’t seem to register. She thought this daughter may have had some kind of attachment issue. Once we worked together, she realized that they were brain opposites. This mother’s natural way of parenting was to be energetic, positive, full of surprises and spontaneity. She is an ENFP, extroverted feeling Human, a type seven, on the Enneagram.  Her daughter was a  reserved, structured and serious ISTJ introverted sensing thinking Ox type. We laughed as I suggested the mom do something completely counterintuitive. She should offer to do a puzzle with her daughter. This mom had never done a puzzle in her life! The daughter absolutely loved it! She loved just hanging out side-by-side with no pressure to talk, while doing a quiet activity.

This mom, April Fallon, who is now host of the ADOPTION NOW podcast shared this quote with me. “Roadmap is what I say to people when I tell them about you. You gave us the map for our family and how we all function together. From the moment we met with you our whole lives changed. Learning who is an introvert and extrovert and helping my husband understand my son has transformed their relationship. His understanding of me changed too and now he is nicer to me too! The realization that one of my daughters is exactly the same as him was an eye-opener. I learned how to love them better and help them feel understood. I call them the koala bears. They love to achieve but only because they want the people they love close to them. They are the snuggly people. Three of us are team creative, however one of us is introverted and needs time away in her room. We designed her room to have a happy place that she has learned to adore. And finally, my Type 9 peacemaker, reserved daughter (the one I do puzzles with) notices everything and takes it in. Recently we found out she has auditory processing disorder and that was because we could pull apart what was personality versus what was a real issue. Once we found out, we could support her in the way she needs. She loves one on one time, verbal praise, and outdoor activities like hiking. I never ever ever wonder how or if she loves us or is happy anymore. I know her love runs deep and giving her a space to show it in her own way has been so healing.”

If you would like to get the road map for understanding your family and having more peace in your home, go to WendyGossett.com and sign up for my Understanding Your Family 101 Session. You can also purchase my book on Amazon. Your Childs Inner Drive Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens.

I worked with a mom, who is the only J or structured one in a family of P freedom seekers. She has often felt like she was paddling upstream, forcing her will upon everyone. She would schedule practice hours for her boys to do sports and keep close tabs on them. All her expectations weren’t adding up. Everyone in her family needed freedom, which was the opposite of her parenting style. I had to ask her what was more important; the correction or the connection. I’ve had to ask this question to many parents when they are fighting battles over a clean room or how to load the dishwasher. Ask yourself what is more important; correction or connection? Over and over again, I have seen a huge change occur when the parents shift their focus to connection rather than correction. Her boys are both lion P types that had to learn from life and find their own way. It was difficult for her, an extroverted, thinking Ox, type one on the Enneagram, but she realized she had to let them fail.

And failure is not as scary as you may think. Some people learn from failing. Whenever a baby is learning to walk, they have to fall over and over again. Pushing themselves up off the floor helps them get stronger. The most successful business people actually try to fail. They make a goal to fail five times in a month because failing means they are trying new things which leads to confidence and success. And it just so happens that P types who explore and try possibilities without thinking of the consequences are some of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world. I’m getting these statistics from Myers Briggs. Sometimes Lion P types don’t enjoy school. What comes naturally to them is being free to use their body in physical, practical pursuits. They like to learn from the school of hard knocks. Some J types use perfectionism as an excuse to not try. Often I have seen perfectionism as a mask for fear. so if you are a structured J parent pulling your hair out because your P child is not falling into line, chances are if you make connection your priority, they may not fall in line but they will land on their feet. 

The T Thinking or Prickly and F Feeling or pleasing preferences I talk about in episode 6, play a significant role in how our child Judges or Perceives. If your child is a Thinker and a Judger or TJ, they will be very determined, rigid, and unyielding, which can make them very difficult to parent! If your child is a Feeler and a Perceiver or FP, pleasing you will be ALMOST as important to them as having the freedom to do things their way. They may still have meltdowns that seem to materialize out of nowhere, but for the most part, they are relaxed, go-with-the-flow children. If your child is a Thinker and a Perceiver or TP, get ready for a topsy-turvy time! One minute, they might be playful and relaxed, and the next minute, determined and unyielding. If your child is a Feeler and a Judger or FJ, sit back, make yourself a cup of tea, and relax. This child wants to please, desires structure, and thrives with conventional parenting. Parents with Feeling/Judging children as th