#218: Why You're Attracted to Unavailable People

Update: 2025-12-09

Description

In this episode, we explore the deeper patterns that make emotionally unavailable partners feel so familiar — even when you want something different.

Rather than framing this as a personal flaw or something you’re “doing wrong,” this conversation explores the deeper emotional and relational patterns that make certain dynamics feel familiar, magnetic, or even safe on a nervous-system level.

I walk through five core reasons this dynamic tends to repeat:

Low self-worth: When love feels like something you need to earn, you may be drawn to people who require effort.
Inconsistent early relationships: If connection was unpredictable growing up, inconsistency can feel like “home.”
Hope, potential, and the saviour role: Why focusing on who someone could be keeps you invested long after the relationship stops feeling good.
Intermittent reinforcement: How sporadic affection creates an addictive cycle that’s hard to break.
Your own emotional unavailability: The surprising ways pursuing unavailable people can protect you from deeper vulnerability.

This episode offers a compassionate look at why these patterns form — and what it takes to move toward relationships that feel mutual, steady, and emotionally safe.

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