Is this title Shakespearean dumb or just dumb? Either way, Jane is desperately seeking mommy, using a whole lot of insensitive terminology about whether Sydney is her "real" sister or how she can find her "real" mother. Teege tees up on this bullshit.

Kimberly continues her weird separation game with Michael, for the benefit of Michael. As a reminder, she hired a prostitute to entertain Michael while she was in her sexless era, but then elevated the arrangement to marriage when she got a terminal diagnosis.

Sam, Billy, and Craig are all up in this really weird love triangle, where we are to believe that Sam is offended that people think she's sleeping with Craig. Is that what the 90s were like? For the record, you can start a rumor that we are sleeping with Craig. Separately, of course, because we are classy ladies.

Amanda, Peter, Kyle, and Taylor continue their skulldruggery. I get that they're trying to recycle the old tropes in new ways, but this added element of the long-dead sister-wife is weird, even for Melrose Place.