A question for you, Theophiloi: How many times would you like to listen to us go through the Gospel of Matthew? As many as... seven times? Well, you'll have to settle for two, as this week finds us finally getting into scripture. Join us here at Skull Mountain Baptist Church as we ghost ride the whip into Jerusalem, strain out gnats, gulp down camels, and celebrate the birthday of everyone's favorite dimwitted Apostle, Teen Peter.

Topics of discussion: Bad ideas about when to bury your relatives, dogs of the Bible, the proper age for a Dog Bar Mitzvah, the apocryphal Gospel of Don Bluth, the Outer Darkness, Ultimate Mark, the Son of Man vs. the Son of David, Messianic Judaism, the last panel of every Jack Chick comic, Jesus being visited at work, Other Mary, Peter's greatest hits, Jesus's invention of metaphors, the real Kingdom Hearts, Peter's true and canonical age, white nonsense, The Fig Tree Discourse, Other Jesus, the good kind of forsaking, the Good Friday zombie apocalypse, Thunder, a disappointing lack of hijinx in the time of Silver Age Jesus, and Heave the Jesus Dog.

Hey, you can also support the show now at ko-fi.com/apocrypals ! If you like it enough that you'd buy us a latte while we talked at you about the Bible, you can throw a few bucks our way as a love offering!