Tonight we’re presenting some of our most beloved, humorous, and explicit poems about Christmas night intimacy.

All are spoofs of the most classic Christmas poem of all time.

Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.

<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="900" data-orig-width="900"></figure>

The Black Knight Before Christmas

by  The Mad Splatter, recited by Sonia.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse;

My panties were hung on the bedpost with care,

As my fingers parted my soft pussy hair.

My pussy I fingered while all snug in my bed,

As visions of huge cock danced in my head;

My tit in one hand, and squeezing my nip,

I moaned and I groaned, while my muff I did grip.

When out on the lawn I heard a faint sound,

I popped out my fingers from my wet and hot mound;

And naked away, to the window I dashed,

Tore open the drapes as the yard I did flash.

The moon on my breasts was a sight to behold,

Showed my smooth white skin and red nipples so bold.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But William, our black neighbor, who I’ve wanted all year,

With an ass like a rock and muscles so thick,

I knew in a moment I’d found my hard dick.

While rubbing my pussy I suddenly came,

As he whistled and shouted, and called me by name;

“Now, Susan, you minx, you hot little vixen!

It’s time that you knew what you’ve always been missin’!

From the tip of my rod to the sack of my balls

I’ll make you forget your drunk husband, Paul!”

His words, they made my fantasies fly;

And I slid both my hands between my wet thighs;

And started to spread and rub my bare lips

Now slick from the promise of a huge, black dick.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a loud knock,

And knew at the front door awaited my cock.

I threw on my robe and sped down the stairs,

Hot for the stud who awaited me there.

When I opened the door, he wasted not a moment;

Entered the room and tore off my garment;

And dropped to his knees, put his face in my snatch;

My pussy lips burned, as hot as a match.

The nub of my clit he held tight in his teeth,

His fingers he rubbed on my slit just beneath;

I squeezed my huge tits, nipples dark as a cherry,

And his tongue was now stabbing my pussy so furry.

Hearing my breathing had become quite quick

He knew it was time to show me his prick.

He pulled down his pants and exposed his firm belly,

And his long, thick tool to which I said, “Oh, Billy!”

It was chubby and plump, and hard in my hand;

When it slid in my mouth, he barely could stand;

So a chair I soon found and gave him a seat;

I straddled his cock and ground on his meat.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled up my pussy, then came with a jerk,

And sliding his finger inside of my ass,

I came on his lap and slumped with a gasp.

I slid off his cock, and fell to the floor,

And licked the last drops of cum like a whore.

And he finally exclaimed, with my mouth on his rod,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good…oh, oh my God!!!”

And To All A Good Lay 

by  foehn. Recited by Connor.

’Twas the night before Christmas, and down in my drawers,

my creature was telling you, “Get on all fours!”

You’d already laid down your stockings with care,

and come to molest me in my easy chair.

The kids were all upstairs and sleeping at last,

and now it was “us” time; not slow, but not fast,

You unbuttoned my britches and pulled my pants down,

and up sprang my elf with his little pink crown.

He trembled and twitched with desire that was spastic,

desiring our session of love to be drastic.

Tenderly, gently caressing my shaft,

you leaned close to kiss it, just driving me daft!

By flickering firelight, its head disappeared,

when all of a sudden, the thing that I feared,

The most about Christmas Eve night came to pass,

as Santa Claus plopped on our fire, on his ass.

Our fire was extinguished and smoke filled the air,

as Santa jumped up with, a burning derriere.

I took in the view with a wilting erection,

and wondered “What’s wrong with our burglar detection?”

Santa was hopping and howling in hurt;

I pulled up your favorite plant from its dirt,

And taking the pot, knocking over my rum,

I ran up to rub, the wet soil on his bum.

The fire was put out, and the poor old elf sighed,

to think that this Christmas, he well could have died;

And when he spied you, collapsed naked and weeping,

I couldn’t help think, that he shouldn’t be peeping.

When I recognized the odd look on his face,

I reminded him, he had invaded our space.

“And now come to think of it, where are the toys?

“Surely you’ve brought some, for our little boys.”

I walked to the closet and chose a warm blanket,

to cover your butt with. (she wanted to spank it.)

He walked to the chimney, and reaching within,

unsnagged his bag, which fell down with a din.

“Quiet” I said: “Must you make such a clatter?”

He smiled just to say, “ that Nothing’s the matter,”

and then just to prove to me nothing was wrong,

he tossed you a shiny new silicone dong.

He stashed the boys’ presents, all under the tree,

and turning he gave me, a new DVD;

there were pictures of hot sexy, things on the case,

and one of them seemed to be wearing your face!

He gave a big wink, walked right out the door.

I locked it behind him and glanced at the floor.

where you looked so peaceful, all comfy and bare.

beneath the big blanket, now covering you there.

I stripped off my clothes, laid down at your side;

you were already giving, your new dong a ride!

And what had gone limp from our rude interruption,

now perked up quite nicely, and stood at attention.

I reached for your free hand and guided it where;

it could find my “north pole,” sticking out in the air.

and I heard Santa shout, as he left on his sleigh,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good lay!”

Her Night Before Christmas

by Ug. Recited by Natasha

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house.

No creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were worn by the woman with care,

She’d too much to drink, passed out on the chair.

The woman who should have been snug in her bed,

the whiskey and vodka, gone straight to her head.

And she lay there snoring, empty glass on the floor,

so drunk came she in, she’d forgotten the door.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Another drunk wandering, home in a stagger.

To her door he did wander, and gave it a push,

Then fell he inside when his foot caught a bush.

He spied a light on, in a room and did wander.

looked inside the door, and hence he did ponder.

Now who was this woman, sitting there in his chair.

This woman with such sexy flowing blonde hair.

He reached down to give, her shoulder a shake,

but the young buxom woman, just wouldn’t awake.

He tried a bit harder, and gave her a jostle.

which didn’t awake her, but made her breasts tossle.

The drunk seeing breasts, seductively quiver.

decided to cup one, still she did not shiver.

Now with his right hand, he slipped down her dress.

and finding her nipple, an interesting quest.

He moved his left hand, and placed on her thigh.

and feeling the silks, he pushed his hand high.

Over the stocking tops, onto warm skin,

to her panties and under, his fingers sank in.

He gripped at her panties, and pulled them aside.

and with his free hand, then parted her thighs.

And moving between, her legs he did shove.

Unzipping his pants, to fuck his new love.

He then pulled her ass, to the edge of the chair,

His dick found it’s way, through her pubic hair.

and into her pussy, his dick did so slam.

then pulled back slightly, to repeatedly ram.

He pounded her pussy, and groaned as he shoved.

Her pussy felt great, like a hot little glove.

She still was asleep, unaware of the world,

so he carried on fucking, his sweet Christmas girl.

He pushed her legs back, up over her head,

And deep in her womb, his pulsing dick fed.

He started to grunt, whilst having his fun.

Then into her belly, shot all of his cum.

He held himself still, til catching his breath,

and pulled out his dick, his balls had none left.

He wiped off his cock, on the hem of her dress,

and zipped himself up, though she was a mess.

He spoke not a word, but went straight t