hi guys so I'm allowed to eat in about 40 minutes so I thought what a perfect opportunity to update with everything so my cancer appointment has arrived do you know what it's really weird but I I'm not completely contented until it's over every every Autumn every fall um there's the first of all I was concerned because our National Health Service has been you know really rickety lately and there are so many problems with it so I and I'd heard there were loads of delays so I thought well perhaps it's going to be delayed so you know I've been checking the Mailbox etc etc anyway I've got my appointment it's not till the 20 well the end of September so I've got plenty of time and then as you get closer to the appointment obviously there's another kind of worry where you think oh you know what if they find something um hopefully and I'm pretty sure they won't I mean I'm in the peak of Health at the moment I'm healthier now I feel better now that's the Crux isn't it I feel better now than I've ever felt before in my in my life honestly in my life and this always even if you feel really on top of it a slight concern but the good thing actually is because they test me for um it's a it's a color on a colorectal I think cancer but um nothing to do with my bum it's it started in my appendix I suppose it is a bit to do with my my bum in a way isn't it when I have um you know the what do they call it a colonoscopy or something um I've just declined one because the the whole procedure of that going up your behind is traumatizing it really is and I thought well wait and see if they see anything weird in the blood tests because I'm being tested you know for all things all cancers of the Torso I believe um and the pelvic area and if anything comes up in that and anything comes up in the X-ray then we'll go and stick some awful thing you know up my Nethers um and it'll save if everything's clear that's going to save me so much drama and I'm not sure that you know poking around people is Justified just for the hell of it certainly if you're at risk or if you've got signs or you you're not feeling well things like that absolutely that's definitely what you should do but you know you can make decisions about handling your own care you don't have to say yes to everything I don't think that's very fair you know you can it's really easy when you have cancer just to lose complete complete control feel that you've lost complete complete control over your own body and that's really that's really frightening you know it's a bit like an assault actually you know you can't stop things happening you've got just got to put up with it there's nothing you can do you know these these things resonate with me deeply and and I'm sure they do with a lot of women as well and a lot of men of course of course I don't mean to be sexist there um so anyway that's come for September which is great news and once it's done it's only a CAT scan it's you sort of get in a donut thing and and it's completely painless the drugs they give you they put a catheter in your hand and then they they give you this drug and it feels like if you've ever done poppers in a nightclub if if you're that way inclined um you know when you were in Berlin for that holiday or some such thing um or a heaven in London or you know if you've ever done poppers I remember June poppers on a roof with a man in my misspent youth golly that was a very long time ago and we we watched the sunset high as kite anyway the injection the the fluid that they put into you at when you're having a CAT scan or the what they put into me um is just like that and so what I've started to do now because I've already had four this will be my fifth one so what I've started to do now actually it might be more than that I think I've had a few more I've I've started to think well I don't I don't party anymore and I don't you know I don't do any sort of illicit drug taking so this is the time when I can think back and remember and it feels really nice you know you get a rush a literally A Rush of course you do something going into your bloodstream that's what happens when you when you take drugs isn't it you get this Rush it's immediate rush and we all you know we all like that in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s and to naughties so depending on where you come from so um so yeah now I I kind of I'm not scared of it anymore and I've completely cured myself of the blood test needle and the needle for you know the not catheter cannula did I say catheter earlier I meant cannula the cannula needle I'm you know I feel that I'm really almost Brazen about the procedures I I'm not I'm not saying I like it but in a way I do because I know that the results will be they all clear and this is the importance of positive thinking because back when I was first diagnosed I felt that this blood test and this cannula would lead to my death because of me having cancer do you see it's really interesting how my expectations have been completely flipped now and it's that half glass full thing you know half empty half full thing it's a mindset and it's about you know where you come from um in terms of your I was talking about alignment but in terms of you know how you how you're managing your life and where you fit and what's your plan but the the most obvious thing is that when you're depressed or in a breakdown I've had a couple you only see the past you don't see a future so you know looking forward to something is is impossible because there it all there is is bleakness and you know getting out of that it's taken me about eight years no more more I would say it's probably taken me about 20 years actually and this um the the to navigate your way out of Deep depression and mental illness you can't flick a switch and say um I'm gonna sort my [ __ ] out you know I'm going to um from now on it's going to be different you can't do that it's a very slow process and I think that's good to know I think that's really good to know so on the one hand it's one tiny little step at a time and on the other hand is it's looking to a future even if you don't know what's going to happen but feeling positive and good about it do you know what I mean and I treasure I treasure that expectation now and when you're in this upward trajectory hey darling is my cat when you're in an upward trajectory you you can only guess with great positivity what the future holds for for you and your life you know what's happened in the past you also I think when you're in a good mental place you are feeling grounded and you know exactly who you are where you are how you fit you know not fitting in I think is really such a strain on on one's emotions even if it's not true even if actually you are fitting in but you know not feeling like you fit anywhere that's a really really difficult thing to bear it's a mighty cross you know so um so yeah anyway that's all sorted so I've wasted a bit of time only 10 minutes or so um doing this broadcast the other thing I just wanted to mention actually was you can set up a podcast for free there's lots of different places that do it now and the wonderful thing I think about sharing a journey as a podcaster is that it is therapy and even if you talk absolute banal rubbish the act of communicating with you know I mean I get lots of listeners now so I know I do know people are listening but when I first started about 10 years ago you know I might only have two people that listened ever you know um obviously I'm a little bit wiser now about how the internet works and what to do and how to get how to engage people and that comes very easily now and I'm building my brand of course you know ice Overland is now a brand I was never a brand before um so to speak so you know things are much much easier now but I I do think since I've been doing the live videos since for about three days I think two or three days and these this new improved sort of diary podcast that I'm doing I've had way too much less time to do nothing and do when I say do nothing I don't mean actually do nothing because you I'm always on the internet you know I'm always doing I always think I'm doing something but I mean not moving and being in this position which has caused me so much pain I think it's I think it must be RSI because I tell you what guys since I've been doing this this new project I have had zero neck pain I mean how weird is that and I'm coming off all my painkillers so this is really interesting this this tells me that the next year of filming and talking about you know all the stuff that I'm doing as I server learn I'm not going to hurt anymore physically so mentally I'm not hurting anymore and the the physicality of my existence needed to align and it wasn't it wasn't allow aligning because I was on a lot of drugs um you know prescribed drugs medication and because I was hunched up over a computer building my brand in the same position for so long and that is I can't tell you how bad that is for us it really is very very bad for your body so yeah here's to movement guys and obviously intermittent fasting which I'm a bit of a again that's you know in a year I'll stop talking about intermittent fasting but for the moment it's part of the project Darlings so I'm going to talk about it I'm sure I'll find some other things to talk about in a year um of course I do do lots of other things and if you if you're into AI my I've got an AI side as well part of me I'm part at Ai and AI is part me and you know we've got poetry and arts and all sorts of lovely things over on the website oh yes also I set up a chat box for members so if you join if you join the website teleclub website you and you're actually a member I I'm not sure if there's a free I don't think there is a free thing I might try and change that there's definitely a page one and you can you'll become a member and I'm going to make it so that if you are a member you can blog or you know write stuff about