We can build true self-confidence from the inside out by cultivating self-acceptance. We undermine our sense of self-worth by trying to measure ourselves by external benchmarks and trying to cultivate self-esteem: how much money do we make, what is our position in the hierarchy, are we getting a lot of recognition and approval, and do we have more or less than those around us? This outcome orientation makes us worried about evaluation and potential failure, and so we are vulnerable to worry and psyching ourselves out, both in sports and in work. We can complement this by a process orientation, which is about how we are learning, getting better at our work and enjoying our activities. This approach helps us feel good about ourselves and the journey, and is the key to cultivating self-acceptance. We can’t control outcomes, but we can control how we focus on feelings, experience and process.

Self-esteem is vulnerable to outcomes we don’t control in four areas:

1. Stuff
2. Status & Approval
3. Accomplishment
4. Fantasy

Self-acceptance is solid and sustainable, and is based on four factors:

1. Alignment with our values and purpose
2. Self-compassion 
3. Self-regulation 
4. Opening to reality 

Experiment: We can replace Worrying with Planning, and free ourselves from unproductive and draining anxiety. 

Experiment: Getting into Flow—we can learn to ‘get in the zone’ and temporarily drop our focus on outcomes.  

Experiment: Befriending ourselves is the practice of supporting, trusting, taking care of and loving ourselves.

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