[SEGMENT 1-1] Christmas songs repeat 2023    

[SEGMENT 1-2] Learn to enjoy Christmas   It’s Christmas Day and I hope you are enjoying life with friends and family. And if you happen to be alone, then thank you for including me in your Christmas, and know that I am with you in spirit. When I was an engineer, I had a friend who hated the holidays, especially Christmas. I thought he was kidding, but each year he got very depressed at this time. It was so difficult for me to understand this, because I’m a “cup half filled” person. What was so intriguing to me is that any other time of year, this guy was just like me. He was truly the Merry Mexican. One of the technicians on my engineering team, and the guy was a joy to be around…except during the holidays. In a way I get it. The most wonderful time of the year for God-loving people is almost approached with trepidation. It’s the time of year to keep your mouth shut. Yes, we’ve spent all year fighting the lunatic Left, and now we’re supposed to gather around the dinner table, smiling politely as Aunt Karen waxes poetic about “how presidential” Gavin Newsom looks in a windbreaker. The Unbearable Expectations of Christmas Christmas is supposed to be festive, but for many, it’s a pressure cooker of unrealistic expectations. Let’s start with the car commercials. Who are these people getting luxury cars with big red bows? I swear, I’ve never met anyone who’s walked outside on Christmas morning and found a shiny new Lexus in the driveway. Not one. This isn’t a gift—it’s a financial ambush. “Merry Christmas, honey! Here’s a monthly car payment the size of our mortgage.” Also, can we talk about the fact that Hollywood now feels obligated to diversify these commercials? Oh, look, it’s Jamal and Shanice, living their best lives in matching sweaters, unwrapping a BMW. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened, but let’s not pretend this is a universal experience. For most of us, the biggest thing we’re unwrapping is the family pack of socks from Costco. New Year’s Resolutions: The Annual Lie And then there’s New Year’s. We treat it like a fresh start, even though it’s literally just the day after December 31. “This year, I’m going to the gym!” Sure, you are, Karen. Right after you finish the leftover pecan pie and delete Netflix. Why do we lie to ourselves like this? The same people who couldn’t manage to walk their dog more than twice in 2023 are now planning to train for a marathon. Stop it. Holidays with the Left But let’s get to the real Christmas buzzkill: Leftists. From Thanksgiving onward, we Conservatives are given a strict set of holiday rules. Don’t wear your MAGA hat to dinner. Don’t mention Trump. Don’t bring up Biden unless you’re praising his “resilience.” It’s like the PC police have infiltrated our homes, ready to pounce if you so much as hum “God Bless America.” Even in victory—and Trump’s 2024 win was a victory for America, the world, and maybe even Mars—we’re told to tone it down. “Don’t gloat,” they say. Meanwhile, they’ve spent four years calling us racists, fascists, and worse. Well, guess what, Aunt Karen? This Christmas, I’m drinking eggnog from my TKJN Trump Nickname mug and flaunting my Trumpiness like a MAGA elf at the North Pole. Why Conservatives Need Christmas Here’s the thing: We Conservatives need Christmas. It’s our time to recharge, to celebrate faith, family, and freedom. While the Left spends the season trying to cancel Rudolph for being “problematic” (too red, obviously Republican), we’re out here keeping the traditions alive. Caroling? Check. Nativity scenes? Double check. Loudly pointing out that Jesus was not a socialist? Triple check. And let’s not forget, Christmas is the ultimate reminder that good triumphs over evil. It’s like a Hallmark movie on steroids. The world needed a savior, and boom, Jesus arrived. And in the spirit of that divine intervention, let’s celebrate another miracle: Trump saved us from Bidenomics, open borders, and the Ministry of Truth. You better believe that’s worth a toast. Dealing with the Lunatics   Potential Funny Additions

• A fake Christmas letter from the DNC: “Dear Conservatives, Please don’t celebrate too loudly. It’s making us look bad.”
• A MAGA-themed Christmas song parody: “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Freedom.”
• A holiday card: “All I want for Christmas is four more years!”

    I hope today you have on your Trump MAGA hat, drink from your TKJN Trump Nickname mug, and flaunt your “Trumpiness” like Trumpian elves.      

[SEGMENT 1-3] Christmas toys repeat 2023      

[SEGMENT 1-4] Government trophy girlfriend   I was thinking about this, and I’ve said many times that it’s the rough patches in life that teach you lessons. You learn little from the good times. That's why so many billionaires' kids end up in rehab. And plastic surgeons feast on the insecurities of their wives. Money can't buy you everything, but it does keep the kids close. Government is like that billionaire’s kid. It’s gotten so much without doing anything that now it expects it. And no matter how badly government behaves or performs, it wants what it wants.  
Trauma and Government Incompetence: A Match Made in Dysfunction And trauma also unites us, which is why we revolted against our government in the last election. We finally dealt with the trauma. Similarly, government incompetence echoes life’s trauma—it unites us in shared disbelief. And much like those trauma support groups, we form bonds over mutual suffering:

• DMV Survivors Anonymous.
• Post Office PTSD Support.
• TSA Group Therapy: “Hi, my name is Kevin, and I was randomly selected for a cavity search.”

The People Who Really Show Up Government is that chic we met at the bar who was HOT. She met us at our financial best, not when we were trying to make it. So we took our arm-candy all over the world, galivanting. And when we went to Thailand for her plastic surgery, she denied the bag with the coke in it was hers, and we had to do her time in that Thai prison. She headed straight to the yacht in Monaco to meet up with some dude she met at the airport while you were detained. Who did you call to get you out. That fat girl you ghosted in college after that one night you pretend didn’t happen. And that girl jumped on a plane to Thailand to get you an attorney with her life savings. Refusing to return to America until you are free, she’s now working as a stripper to pay off guards in the Thai prison to keep you from being violated. Meanwhile, your trophy girlfriend, aka the government, doesn’t even remember your name.
The Hilariously Dysfunctional Government Wish List I’ve been thinking a lot about what government should actually be doing for us. Instead of wasting money on things like gender-neutral snowplows or building sandcastles for crabs in Martha’s Vineyard, why not tackle the real issues? You know, stuff that would actually make life better—or at least less absurd.
The Government and Cancer: We Know You Have the Cure Let’s start with the big one: curing cancer. We’ve mapped the human genome, people. We’ve sent robots to Mars, created ChatGPT, and even taught a few people on TikTok how to read. But you’re telling me we still can’t cure cancer? Please. I know the cure exists, probably stored in a climate-controlled lab in Beijing next to Hunter Biden’s misplaced laptop. Only the richest people in the world get access to it, while the rest of us are out here doing 5Ks in pink tutus, hoping our donation covers a box of Band-Aids for a research center. And diabetes? Oh, that’s cured too. But apparently, it’s reserved for Silicon Valley execs who are on a raw avocado and crypto diet. Meanwhile, the rest of us are stuck playing Russian roulette with insulin prices.
Real Science We Need Forget sending billionaires to space or making vegan leather from mushrooms. How about some practical science for regular folks?

• The Eyebrow That Won’t Quit: I have this one eyebrow hair that grows faster than my afro did in the ‘70s. Can someone in a lab coat take five minutes away from studying the mating habits of fire ants to fix this?
• Butt Hair Be Gone: Why do we have hair growing in places nobody wants it? Between the ears, the nose, and—let’s just say it—the nether regions, I’m starting to think nature is just trolling us. And while we’re at it, does my nose hair have to turn gray? Nothing screams “distinguished gentleman” like a silvery vine hanging out of your nostril.
• Anti-Sweat Technology: Forget curing male-pattern baldness. I’d rather have a government-funded lotion that stops my pits from looking like Niagara Falls every summer. Priorities, people.

Free Wi-Fi and No Toll Roads: Is That Too Much to Ask? Here’s another idea: free Wi-Fi everywhere. If we can find funding for shrimp on treadmills (true story—Google it), then we can surely give Americans free internet access. You know, so we can stream cat videos in peace without selling our souls to Comcast. And toll roads? Enough already. We’ve paid for these roads ten times over. What are they paving these highways with, Gucci loafers? If the government insists on charging us to drive on roads we already own, the least they could do is throw in a free car wash or a pack of gum.
Government Waste: You Can’t Make This Up The real comedy gold lies in what the government is spending our money on. Some of this stuff sounds like rejected plotlines from “Veep.”




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