Today’s Noon Hour of Madness & Mayhem is the kind of episode that future historians will use to explain why society collapsed. Peaches opens the show by attempting to name the KBEAR Elf, and within minutes he and Viktor spiral into a heated debate about whether it should be named Maynard, Wilbur, or Cream — because nothing screams Christmas spirit like “Peaches & Cream” represented by a tiny felt narc hiding in your lobby.

Then Viktor casually reveals that Josh had to climb a ladder because he’s “that small,” which sets the stage for the real discovery of the morning: Viktor’s home is apparently a semi-legal wildlife sanctuary, complete with loose geckos, rogue crickets, unverified children, and five cats that perform synchronized vomiting drills at 3 AM.

Just when you think the fever dream is settling down, the guys launch into the greatest story ever told: a French-Canadian named Sebastien introducing himself to two kids who immediately roasted his name so hard the man left the house in emotional shambles. Peaches and Viktor then spend a solid five minutes aggressively pronouncing “Sebastien” like they’re auditioning for Les Misérables while also debating whether French-Canadians are biologically designed for forgiveness.

From there, Peaches reveals his future parenting strategy (“No pets, ever. Not even a mouse.”), which Viktor assures him will crumble immediately the moment a child utters “puppy” with tears.

Then things shift into an argument about the worst sounds to wake up to:
 • dying smoke detector batteries,
 • thumping car bass,
 • cats revving up to vomit,
 • and James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful,” which Peaches suggests as Viktor’s next alarm tone if he wants to be psychologically waterboarded out of bed.

Suddenly we’re talking about GameStop accepting a taxidermy bobcat as trade-in credit, the slow and violent death of malls, why Spencer’s sells the most unhinged shirts known to mankind, collectible figurines that achieve Bitcoin-level valuation, and how Peaches’ Xbox has evolved into nothing more than a $500 Netflix button.

It’s a tour of chaos. It’s a mall Santa fever hallucination. It’s a love letter to nostalgia, mispronounced French names, and the slow, steady decay of retail America.

If this episode doesn’t make you feel better about your own life decisions, nothing will.