In which Puck prepares to meddle, Hermia plans to move in, and Oberon and Titania make a wager.

For the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

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Episode One:

An Honest Puck

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. 

PUCK

[Directly to mic/audience]

Hey Mustardseed, Musty darling! Thanks for agreeing to edit this together for me! I mean, you haven’t agreed yet, but I know you’d never refuse me--so thanks!

[Chuckles to himself]

It is for a good cause. The best cause, really. You know how nice our place is, right? I mean, it’s a penthouse in Manhattan, so obviously it’s gorgeous. And you were here for that Halloween party, right? I remember you commenting on the gas stove. Something something plumbing renovations in New York are a nightmare, something. It was super boring but you seemed into it! And you know I support your boring interests heart and soul, Musty. 

 But did you know, it’s also rent controlled? We’ve been here for, what, fifty years? Oberon was in a deep cut v-neck and platform shoes when we moved in, so it’s been a hot minute. 

So, rent controlled. Started in the 70s. You do the math. Tally it up in your head. Got it? Ready? 

Cut it in half, Musty. Titania was on a streak, all about ‘charming humans out of their wits for fun and profit, not to mention style.’ I’m pretty sure the documents have a bit of the landlord’s drool preserved in the paper. Horrific, but hey. 

Now Puck, you say, it sounds like things are great! What could you possibly need my help for? Well, it’s Oberon and Titania. You know how they are. No sense of respect for things! Remember that time Obie smashed Jimmy Hendrix’s guitar after Tiddy slept with him? They scold me, “so materialistic, Puck!” Meanwhile they’re leaving Dior this and Gucci that on the floor for the cat to nest in. 

 So you see, if I leave them to it, they’ll destroy this beautiful, beautiful oasis in their next knockdown, blow-out break up. It would honestly be a sin. It’d be a literal crime. But me? I would cherish this place, Musty. I would treat her like the lady she is.

So what I’m doing--what we’re doing, sorry darling--is saving the day, if you think about it. We’re going to get this baby the parent she deserves. Someone committed, someone clever, someone handsome - that’s right! Good ol’ Puck. Mr. Robin Goodfellow. Me. 

Oh, and you! Of course. Whenever you get time away from throwing pollen about or whatever it is you do these days. And all I need is a teensy tiny favor... 

[Pause to appreciate his genius, get smug]

When Oberon and Titania pack up and leave in a whirlwind of drama, we just need evidence to show that they left. Then once they’re gone to weep crocodile tears at the JW Marriott or wherever, I’ll have the rights as the Sole. Renter. 

And it’s only a matter of time. They’re overdue, actually, it’s been a month longer than their longest streak without a split. 

We only have to fool the human courts. They’re always on and on about this “evidence” crap. So I figure, I’ll record Tiddybell and Obie-Ron until I have what we need. And then you’ll put it together to paint a lovely picture of two people breaking up...with their penthouse.

[Chuckles]

Oop, shh! Here comes Obie. The show’s starting. 

Scene Two

Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. 

[A door opens and closes as OBERON comes into the room. Room doors opening and closing. Kitchen clattering sounds as OBERON gets ready to bake.]

PUCK

Baking? Already?

OBERON

Puck! Hey! I didn’t realize you were home! 

PUCK

Don’t we have four loaves in the freezer already--?

OBERON

It goes fast with Titania around. 

PUCK

Isn’t she on a no-carb diet? 

OBERON

[Fake innocently]

Oh, is she? That would be so tragic then, if I had a freshly baked loaf out and ready to be cut when she finishes recording.

PUCK

[Flatly]

What’d she do this time? 

OBERON 

You mean aside from collaborating with thirty other ASMRtists? After insisting she preferred to  “keep her brand a solo thing” when I asked? 

PUCK

Yikes. 

OBERON 

Mmhm. I saw her @’ing and cosying up to the whole community on Twitter. It’s like she actually wants to hang out with the humans. We eat them, Puck. It’s gross. 

PUCK

[Solemnly]

Revolting. But you’re not going to really put human ...bits… in the bread, are you? 

OBERON

What? Ew. No. Just emotions.

PUCK

But we’re stuck in the apartment, so the only source of emotions is…

[Realizing gasp] 

Oh, you’re bad.

OBERON

I mean, the timing is perfect. She’ll be going live as we speak.

PUCK

[sighs]

Ah, young people nowadays and their artificial sounds of pleasantry. I remember a time when the greatest aural pleasures could be derived from such simplicity as wind through lush foliage, the soft babbling of a sparkling brook...And the shrieks of the villagers as they awaken to find I’ve turned their children into Mongooses…

[questioning voice]

Mongoose? Mongeeses? Oberon?

OBERON 

What?

PUCK

Mongeeses?

OBERON 

I don’t know!

[Turns on a speaker, connects his phone to play a podcast] 

Honestly, we’re lucky we live where we do. There are only so many places with neighbors that broadcast their feelings over the internet.

[Turns on Helena in a Handbasket, intro starting live] 

PUCK

[Talking over the Podcast intro] 

What’s it called again? I can never remember.

OBERON

[Lowers the volume] 

What? 

PUCK

What’s the title? I can never remember. 

OBERON

If you listened to the opening, you’d know it was Helena in a Handbasket. 

[Unpauses it] 

PUCK

[Talks over it again] 

Helena Handbasket?

OBERON

[Pauses it a