Puck brings the mortals a special delivery.

To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

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Episode Three:

Two at Once Will Woo One

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

The Mortals’ podcast

[Helena in a Handbasket opening] 

HELENA 

Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. 

LYSANDER 

Are we out of milk? 

HELENA 

There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! 

LYSANDER 

Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?

HELENA

And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. 

HERMIA

[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?

HELENA

Ugh. [Shouting] No!

[Hermia enters Helena’s room]

HERMIA

Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?

HELENA

What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! 

HERMIA

Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. 

HELENA

And what was it he sprained again? 

LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY] 

Ankle./Shoulder. 

….Shoulder?/...Ankle? 

LYSANDER 

My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...

[LYSANDER limps away]

HERMIA

The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel. 

HELENA 

[Back to talking to her audience] 

As you may remember listeners, Hermia has moved in with me for the time being! Not many people know this, but we actually grew up together. Long before Hermia was a famous instagram influencer, she had pigtail braids and braces!

HERMIA 

Oh my god, stop. 

HELENA 

Oh, come on, it was cute! We were kids! 

HERMIA 

Helena had headgear. 

HELENA 

It’s true. My mom tried to make me feel better about it and told me that it was my halo. Do you remember that? 

HERMIA 

I remember you announcing it at a high school cast party. 

HELENA

Turns out folks, when you topple face first onto pavement while wearing headgear, the springy wire thing kinda bounces your whole skull off the ground for a second.

HERMIA 

[Laughing] 

And that’s why everyone called you Bobble Head after that. 

HELENA

Joke’s on them. Now I get paid to have people laugh at my life. 

HERMIA 

You’re the inspiration of the ages, Hel. 

[Beat]

We do need to talk, though.

HELENA 

Jeez, way to give a gal a heart attack! Why would you say that?

HERMIA

Reality shows are all about intense stakes and high drama! I’m boosting your ratings. 

HELENA

That’s not how podcasts--

HERMIA

Hel! I’m serious. I do want to talk with you about this. 

HELENA

About what?

HERMIA

About Demetrius. 

[Someone audibly presses pause.] 

OBERON

What? What’s with the gesturing? 

TITANIA

See? I told you! Oh, this is gonna be interesting! These four young, hormonal mortals in a tiny apartment in lockdown? It’s already getting fun!

OBERON 

Well yes, we’ll be getting some good emotions. Helena’s oldest friend is here to help her chase love! 

TITANIA 

That’s what you think is going to happen here?

OBERON

Well, yes.

TITANIA

If you’re so confident, why did you “help”? 

OBERON 

Don’t sound so...sarcastic! I did! I helped things along! 

PUCK

Ahem.

OBERON

Puck helped things along on my behalf. 

TITANIA

Oh, my love. Only you would expect magical interference to lead to a successful, monogamous relationship.

OBERON 

Well excuse me for trying to be supportive. Maintain our food source. You were all upset I put everything into a few of my best loaves, and afraid that there’d be nothing left since Helena and Demetrius can’t see their feelings. But since I am kind and generous-- 

TITANIA

And so humble. 

OBERON 

--I decided to soothe your worries. Just you wait, darling. Things will be made better. 

TITANIA 

[Amused] 

I forget sometimes how cute you are when you’re in way over your head. 

OBERON

Hey! There’s no need for--

TITANIA 

This was why we always delegated tasks, darling. You’re wonderful at luring people into the unknown, applying the wrath of our court, doling out just desserts. But understanding the actual intricacies of human relationships? You couldn’t tell the difference between a healthy community of humans and a healthy community of gerbils.

OBERON

Oh please. How hard can it be? You just schmooze all the time. Th