1,081 words

Whenever people scream, cry, and punch themselves in the face about Donald Trump, it’s predicated on some dimly conceived but barely articulated notion that he’s going to take away their “rights.”

He already had four years to take away your rights. Name ONE right that he stole from you.

The hyperbole and hysteria that this cuddly orange honey bear induces in his chronically frightened detractors has always seemed so grossly disproportionate to his words, deeds, and policies that it’s comical. When you hear that he’s going to herd women into forced-pregnancy camps, send blacks back into the cotton fields, and deport everyone who’s darker than snow, how else could a sane and fun-loving person react but to laugh?

It’s healthier than crying.

One of the most memorable images at Trump’s 2017 inauguration was the sight of a dowdy, bespectacled woman wearing a wool cap and chartreuse jacket who shrieked “NOOOOOOOO!” the moment he was declared president. She sounded as if a thousand garden shears were mutilating her soul. Her name was Jessica Starr, and although I’ve never met her nor Donald Trump, I can state with scientific certainty that she caused herself more harm that day than Donald Trump would ever care to inflict on her.

I keep odd hours, and this Election Eve, I fell asleep shortly after the polls closed on the East Coast. What a joyful surprise it was to wake up yesterday morning to learn that Donald Trump had been elected president again, and in more convincing fashion than ever. He won the popular vote, the Electoral College, and it looks as if both the Senate and House will be stacked in his favor, enabling his rapacious quest to take away everyone’s rights.

I was delighted to see that people were crying salty rivers about his reelection, while others were mocking their pain. Dastardly meme-lords had already pasted Robert DeNiro’s and Mark Cuban’s faces on that of poor Jessica Starr, the infamous “NOOOOOOOO!” woman of 2017. Some other prankster plopped Jessica’s screaming head amid a pile of trash bags being driven away by the Trump garbage truck.

Back in 2017, it looked as if an amused observer was filming Jessica. This time around, the screamers and criers are documenting their own mental breakdowns.

What sort of person films themselves crying about Donald Trump and then shares it with the world? From the looks of things, it’s mostly women and gay men.

Swaddled in a rainbow-colored pussy hat and a rainbow silk scarf, this grey-bearded freak of nature decries the “freaks of nature who call themselves Trump supporters…. I woke up to this freaking nightmare!”

Throwing conniptions in her car, a black woman on TikTok is giving Jessica Starr a run for her money in the “NOOOOOOOO!” Sweepstakes. It’s fitting, seeing as how Trump beat a white woman in 2016 and a black woman in 2024. He’s a serial woman-beater.

This mega-lipped black woman says she fears falling asleep with Trump back in office: “Yo, I’m scared to go to sleep. I might wake up a motherfuckin’ slave.”

An anonymous woman on Reddit overshares:

I thought I’d be a mess right now…but nothing. I haven’t even cried. My husband on the other hand is wailing, screaming, banging his head off the kitchen cabinets. He has a history of self-harm and I’m terrified he’s about to relapse. Our daughters are crying and asking if they’re safe and we had to compose ourselves and tell them that no, they’re not. We’re not, as a family…. But we can’t and won’t let our trans daughters be taken from us and that’s exactly what’s about to happen under a Trump/Vance presidency as residents in a deep, deep Red state. I need to cry but I just can’t. I feel like I’m living a nightmare.

I feel like living with you would be a nightmare.

A male Reddit user whines:

As a white male fighting oppression my whole adult life I think this is the death of my empathy…. How can I care about young girls denied healthcare for a pregnancy gone wrong when her own mother voted against her rights? How can I care about immigrants in cages when Hispanics voted for mass deportations? How can I care about genocide when Muslims voted for Zionists? How can I care about Jewish people when they vote for Fascists?

No one is coming for me, they never were. I was fighting for you, but fuck, I guess I won’t bother anymore.

Good idea. Stop fighting and don’t bother anymore.

As she films herself crying, this hog with a nose ring cries:

I hate to be the person that gets on here and cries, but this could break me and my parents apart because they just don’t understand what they voted for and, like, what it means and the bigotry and hatred that they stand behind and how I, like, am trying to be a good person[…] My life’s okay, I’m a white woman but my friends are not going to be okay.

Hey, lady: Ever consider that the reason your friends are not going to be okay is because they’re your friends?

Behold this blubbering redhead choking back tears as she whimpers:

We’re scared for our friends. Like you have pro-life women dying because their, their doctors are scared to treat them because of the repercussions of his last presidency.

I have no idea what that means. I don’t think she does, either.

Marvel at this young cow threatening to kill herself to spare Trump the trouble and expense of killing her: “I’m literally about to fucking kill myself and I’m not kidding!”

As it became evident that Trump was going to push past 270 electoral votes, self-harm threats came pouring in at r/SuicideWatch.

But why? Suicide is not a federal crime. Trump hasn’t threatened to make it illegal. You have a right to kill yourself. You have a right to be crazy.

More importantly, you have a right to cry.

For all that these head cases wail about abortion and their minority friends and the transgendered, it seems as if it’s more important for them to cry, scream, act mental, and entertain suicidal ideations.

 Trump is clearly not threatening any of those rights. So why all the fuss?

Crying can be healthy, or it can be unhealthy. I find it cathartic to laugh at the sight of you crying.

 He’s protecting all of our rights. He’s a very nice man.

You should calm down and thank him.