The third of eleven children, Jan spends her childhood in fear, striving to shield her younger siblings from the dysfunctional home life created by her father, a volatile man who can snap at any moment. With a loving but subservient mother who looks the other way at her husband's inappropriate behavior with their daughters, Jan unwittingly seeks approval from men for all the wrong reasons.

Shy, reserved, and deeply influenced by her strict Catholic upbringing, she continuously struggles with her perception of God and with her own identity, leading her to reach for acceptance from people who ultimately betray her -- therapists, lovers, friends, and a spiritual cult. But despite the deep pain and setbacks she experiences, she is intent on discovering her place in the world and her connection with the Divine, as well as an intimate relationship that nurtures instead of harms. It takes nearly six decades for he to receive these gifts and trust herself to recognize them when they arrive.