The Final Episode Of The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse

Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal

Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue

Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines