“Love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are.”

― Esther Perel



 

“And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies.

This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves. Adult relationships mirror these dynamics all too well. We seek a steady, reliable anchor in our partner. Yet at the same time we expect love to offer a transcendent experience that will allow us to soar beyond our ordinary lives. The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.”

― Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

 

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Our past influences our present

No matter how strong a connection we feel to someone, there is always a chance that our past experiences and insecurities may influence the current experience.   To increase our chances of honoring the incredible potential of relationships, we must stay open to learning about how our own distortions from past experiences may lead us to think and behave in ways that close off connection.   Closing off connection to ourselves and to others can lead us to stop exploring the world around us and hold us back from engaging in incredible experiences that are always available to us.  Having that sense of exploration, curiosity and wanting to be challenged are essential for building healthy connections, units and systems.   

A connection to someone who shares a passion for growth and evolution, a shared vision and ‘dialect’ for how they see and understand the world can give us a chance to be a part of a partner-family system who can help us feel at home AND energize us with fuel and fire to soar beyond our ordinary lives into awe-inspiring pursuits. But we must stay open to learning about how our own patterns, thoughts and behaviors contribute to the overall functioning of the unit.  This can be said for intimate partnerships and family units, as well as a community and team.

 



 



 

The more deeply we can experience life in all its forms and moments, the more deeply we can experience another person.  

Intimacy and bonding are not just about how you are when you are with a person or people, but how engaged in life and exploration of your own world when you are apart.  What can lead many relationships into a feeling of boredom, stuckness, or resentment is 'self-abandonment'... an abandonment of what truly brings us joy and lights us up, and an abandonment of paying attention to our innermost wounds and places for healing.  Building a sense of love for yourself and wonder and fascination with life is what can help create a life-enhancing relationship for both people. 

When we get clear about what our deepest needs and desires are and we find ways to support and nourish them within ourselves, we then get to share that with someone*.  They get to benefit from a perspective of happiness and sources of joy that are different than their own.  When each person in a partnership and family get better at honoring what regulates their nervous system and enhances their life force,