IN THIS EPISODE, we explore the biggest decision you can probably make in your life

We dive into parenthood, looking at the landscape of it in culture and in personal life. 

We see how parenting has evolved from a social obligation to a personal choice.

And we lay out a list of reasons you just might want to skip the Parent aspect of a long term relationship

And reasons why you would want to embrace it.

On today’s episode we are breaking down one of the most important choices you can make in your life, and how it impacts your relationship and the world

This important choice is whether to become parents.  

This might sound ominous, and it is a topic that instantly causes controversy, especially in family circles.  Who hasn’t nervously sat through the “when are you having a baby” interrogation, innocently administered by everyone from strangers at the grocery store, to casual friends, to your own anxious parents?

So often, there’s this expectation when you are in a deep, committed relationship, that the next logical -and required- step is to start a family of your own.

It’s a social script.  It isn’t a real requirement in life, and really it never has been.  Sure, in the agricultural age or earlier, the more kids you had the better, so the choice became more enforced, and the expectation became codified through law or religion.  But we live in a different age.  

Thanks to science, children have a far greater chance of survival into adulthood; not just in the developed world but throughout most of the developing world too, children have far fewer fatality rates than in ages past.  In fact, child mortality rates in the US alone have gone from 46% in 1800 to 0.7% in 2020

https://www.statista.com/statistics/1041693/united-states-all-time-child-mortality-rate/

Higher standards in the world of health, education, and even the relative liberation of women’s roles in much of the world have brought about a Golden Age of baby-making.  It used to be your child had a 1 in 5 chance to see adulthood.  Nowadays it’s closer to a 1 in 5 chance that they won’t.  Just since 1990 alone, the child mortality rate (under 5 years old) has halved, and the childhood survival trend is still growing.

https://ourworldindata.org/child-mortality

All to say that a New Normal is here:  Whereas the past dictated that we personally must procreate or humanity itself could face extinction, there are now enough people in the world, making enough babies, that we can truly see the wonders of parenthood as a personal choice we have the privilege of making, and not as a cultural obligation.

But we are just at that turnover point in history where that is becoming true, only in the last couple of generations has the personal idea that you could choose not to become a parent started to take hold, and there’s still plenty of stigma surrounding that choice.  

Socially speaking, there really is a kind of dividing line between parents and non-parents.  Parents normally seem to just assume that you want the same for yourself.  And in social spheres, distance can grow quickly between friends who are parents and friends who are childless.  This isn’t all due to conscious choices or some prejudice, a lot of it is logistical; lives become very different between the two groups.  Priorities change, life-rhythms change…

…Budgets change.

Before we go further, I want to make clear that this isn’t a talk where we tell you you have to have a baby.  We are also not telling you you shouldn’t have a baby.  As usual, we strive for more nuance than that.

We are exploring the pros & cons of each choice, and illuminating both paths in an attempt to help clarify what each choice entails.

We honestly believe that this is a sacrosanct personal opinion, as important to the stability & health of your relationship as it could be for the stability & health of world.

Either is a path not to take lightly, and it isn’t for us to judge which is right for you.  If you feel you’re at some sort of crossroads and have to weigh the options, we hope our little chat can help with that.

Getting started:

THE PROS & CONS OF PARENTING:

* Forget traveling!  

    * I don’t mean the easy vacation, although that becomes harder too.  

    * Talking about climbing the Himalayas, backpacking the amazon…

    * The risks are greater, and the cost is multiplied by having to bring kids (or not bring them, also a cost)

    * Just the logistics also get harder too.  The baby seat, the potty breaks, the airplane trips…  (train them way early, like 6 months or younger)

    * Harder to do an adult thing on a trip (like a cocktail in the lobby bar) if you have kids with you.

    * Caveat: it can be great to show kids the world, but it will be a lot harder and some stuff will be off-limits (lion safari? not kid friendly)

* Career takes a backseat

    * especially women for stupid reasons (maternal expectations etc)

    * middle-age mothers are the most passed-over-for-promotions employee group (expectations of days-off requests, childcare issues etc).

    * Younger women are overlooked because they’re expected to take off on maternity leave

    * prejudiced & sexist, but it is what it is.  If you start a family, expect some glass ceiling action.

* Watching your child develop is a miraculous experience

    * from the first time they open their eyes to when they get their first driver license or diploma, every step & milestone is a unique wonder

    * These are memories you’ll cherish forever

* The physical warmth of being a parent is euphoric

    * from baby snuggles to adult hugs, it’s an emotional ride unlike any other

* Your Social Life “ENDS” (makes a dramatic metamorphosis)

    * childless friends still invite you to stuff you can no longer attend

    * Deep intelligent chats over a glass of wine with no interruptions? Nope

    * Over time, it’s likely that your social group will morph into parents-only (& neighbors at that) because they’re the ones most suited to be your friends, same logistics, regardless of what else you may have in common.

* Alone Time becomes a thing of the past

    * babies crying, kids demanding attention throughout the day and well into the night.

    * If you enjoy privacy while spending time on the toilet, becoming a parent often whittles down that little moment of peace to almost nonexistent.

    * taking off time for oneself becomes a logistical improbability, even as it multiplies in necessity

* Lifelong companionship

    * Always a friend when grocery shopping

    * sharing unlike any other sharing

    * “who’ll take care of you when you’re old”

* “Training” a child to become a conscious person helps you develop too

    * every new experience -the ocean, a carnival- is brand-new to them and can be new for you too

    * Teaching a child to be kind, hopeful etc can remind you to be the same.

* The EVER PRESENT state of parental anxiety

    * the nagging fear that you’re fucking up your kids

        * Am I being neglectful? Am I being too Helicopter?

        * Should I try to enforce healthy habits, or will it backfire & they rebel?

        * Do we let the kid play sports, even though there could be injuries?

        * Do they need more from me?  Less from me?

        * Are their friends good or toxic?  Am I toxic?

        * will they do drugs or engage in unhealthy stuff?

        * who’s that guy in the white van parked near the school?

        * Kid alone in the house, you constantly check on them

        * kids go on a weekend trip with friends, you go crazy for 2-3 days

    * The worry never seems to end.  Some people say it’s what defines parenting

* The end of a good night’s sleep

    * kinda related to the Constant Worry, some sleep loss for that

    * also, just normal: diaper changes, teething agony, nightmares, late night feeding, wanting to sleep in your room between the two of you…

    * It’s hard to imagine sleeping for more than a few hours until preschool starts

* Tax breaks!

    * you can get thousands in tax credits just because you’re a parent

    * I’m sure it doesn’t offset the costs of having a child but every bit helps

* You & you partner evolve together

    * your life is no longer only yours

    * your relationship w your partner becomes about more than just you two

    * Not always the case, but in a healthy situation is quite likely

    * Helps keep arguments & differences in a larger perspective

* THE MONEY

    * From the moment they’re born they start to suck up your savings

    * diapers, day care, formula, clothes, flu shots, the right lunchbox, then the right shoes, then the right outfits, then sporting gear, braces, piano lessons, pizza with friends, field trips with the choir team….

    * Raising the average American child to 18 costs $272,000.  That’s more than the median cost of an American home  https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/090415/cost-raising-child-america.asp

    * this does not count college.  College is another cool quarter-million

    * Amortized over time, the savings from not having a child can be huge.  If responsibly invested, that 272K amount over 18 years could become more than a million dollars.  <a href="https://www.bud