One thing I learned early on in motherhood is that I needed more structure in my life if I was going to hold the responsibility of motherhood in a way that didn’t fully drain me.

I think of this similarly to if you wanted to lift (or “hold”) more weight than you have previously at the gym, you would need more physical muscle fibers, or else you would get trapped under the weight and not be able to lift it. Or, just like as a tomato plant grows it needs a tomato cage or wall to climb up or else it becomes a jumbled mess of vines and inaccessible fruit.

Our lives can also get too overgrown or heavy for us to hold alone without some solid systems in place to support us.

For some reason, however, many of us seem to have the idea that we should be able to pile more and more on ourselves; more tasks, more activities, more responsibilities; and hold it all without any help or assistance (and not show any signs of strain in the process).

I believe part of this false line of thinking is a deficiency in our culture of The Mother, or what I’ve called The Collective Nurturer, whose job it is to say, “Stop. That is enough.”

She can see from a higher (or maybe lower and more grounded) perspective. She can feel we are moving too fast, with too high of expectations. She is the one who tells us, it’s time to rest and enjoy the fruits of our labor.

She is the one who tells us, after a pause of appreciation for how far we’ve already come, “It’s time to reevaluate, readjust. It’s time to put some more support in place.” Because she can see and is tapped into the long game.

I have always been a highly functional person. I have always been capable of doing a lot.

Since I was 23 years old I have basically only worked for myself, so I’ve always had a ton of flexibility with my schedule and how I spend my time.

(Honestly, the main reason I became an entrepreneur was because one of my highest values is freedom.)

I love being free to do and spend my time as I see fit. It’s never been hard for me to be self motivated and to move into action.

Before I had kids; my days flowed. I would always wake up and do some sort of spiritual practice and eat, but the rest of the day was totally free form.

I might have clients, work on the computer, meet up with friends, workout, have meetings, go to the grocery store, travel, go on a hike; whatever.

My time was wide and open and that’s how I liked it.

When I was pregnant with my oldest I was determined to keep living this way. I hated even making my own schedule too rigid because even that felt like I was being trapped. I rebelled against even my self-made rules. (That’s how much of a rebel I am..haha).

I had the idea my baby would sleep when she was tired and I would just bring her everywhere as I kept doing my stuff and it would all be totally fine. HA.

I wasn’t going to be one of those mothers that made her whole life revolve around being a mom!

I wince, shake my head and chuckle lovingly at this past self of mine that was so (endearingly) clueless about what was about to smack her square in the face.

The first 6 months postpartum were all the things postpartum is: sweet, nourishing, exhausting, tender, raw, and a lot like being thrown into the middle of a game you don’t know the rules to. Where the consequences of f*****g up involve the livelihood of a tiny human you now experience as your own heart outside your body.

But, for the most part, my husband and I kept flowing.

We didn’t meal plan or think about what our “working hours” were. We didn’t think about childcare, but just kind of passed baby Alma back and forth to do whatever work either of us needed to do in the moment (and of course, when she needed to nurse).

When Alma was 6 months old it started to become glaringly clear that this “going with the flow” was no longer possible.

My inner Mother said, “Stop. This isn’t working for anyone.” I was clear we were going to need some structure; set childcare hours and some clear delineations about family time vs work time. We were going to have to figure out how to have food for us all to eat at regular intervals. Basics to some, but to us, this felt like a radical adjustment.

Then I got pregnant again.

Just as I am starting to come to terms with the fact my life was going to become way more structured; I was hit with the responsibility of another precious baby on the way.

We hired our first nanny around this time and started doing a semi-strict nap schedule with baby Alma. She had decided to stop sleeping at night and I realized that it may be because she is not getting enough sleep during the day with my lackadaisical idea of “she’ll just sleep when she’s tired” but then not actually creating any space for her to fall asleep.

This was my first hard learned lesson about the importance of building in more structure as you expand in family and in life: the need for scheduled and regularly available down time with kids.

I resisted the nap schedule idea so much until I was pregnant, breastfeeding, and deeply sleep deprived and very desperate, I would try anything; even ….duh duh duuuunn…a nap schedule!

As my husband and I committed to creating time in our days to lull baby Alma to sleep by nursing or swaying her back and forth in a carrier, her sleep at night improved and our energy system as family recharged a bit.

Another piece of structure we added: childcare.

Adding childcare was the first time I had to choose working hours.

I recognize this may not be a common experience but before this I just worked, pretty much whenever I needed to. I had very classic entrepreneurial-grind-“boss-babe” vibes. I loved my work, it didn’t always feel grinding. It’s just what I was into. I had lots of freedom and flexibility but I was also very ambitious and driven to “succeed.” I went on vacations, sure, but I would work if I needed to. I probably worked less on weekends. But no time was technically off limits. I was always available to work. I was always creating. Always dreaming and scheming about what was my next offering, idea, or post would be.

Once Alma came, I pretty much operated the same. I just worked when I could, but as any mom knows, that “working when you can” with infants and children, is basically a recipe for resentment and/or total chaos and feeling like you’re constantly being pulled between quality time with your family and creative expression.

We hired a nanny, now her working hours were my working and self-care hours. I had to be more structured with my work. For me, this is what it really took for me to feel like I could do a good job at being a mama and a good job at my work.

I couldn’t just work all the time because all the sudden I wanted to have time that was family time.

I started having set days of the week that were my work days.

This was really the beginning of what is now so key to the structure in my life that really keeps me grounded and sane, while I hold businesses, my household and a young family.

I struggled adding in this structure. I resisted it. I really pushed back against it; but now, I’ve finally really embraced and accepted it; I see so clearly how the more we add to what we need to hold energetically, the more structure we need.

If we beat ourselves up because we feel overwhelmed with what our daily lives require of us or because we find ourselves energetically dropping things we care about or we feel disorganized and like we’re barely getting by the majority of the time, I bet it’s not that we need more internal pressure.

If this is your experience, I bet you need more structure to hold you. That structure could be internal, eg keeping promises to yourself, creating a schedule that works for you and sticking to it, experiencing yourself as worthy enough to take time for yourself and receive help. But, it could also be that you simply need more help, externally. You might need to hire someone to clean once a month or hire childcare (like I did in my story).

You might need to get really real and take things off your plate while you build the stamina to hold the life you’ve been wanting. You might have to make your life much smaller. It is not shameful or regretful to need to downsize. It could be really true in this season of life you’re in.

The actions you personally need to take will come from The Nurturer within you and they will be individualized to you and your very beautiful and precious journey. However, so many times we find ourselves in a ditch with our wheels spinning. We’re not going anywhere, but we’re using all of our energy. We just loop around the same issues again and again. Which is also a place we can build deep wisdom from, but a place where we will eventually need to hear the quiet, loving voice of The Mother, saying “Stop. This is enough.”

Personally, I am currently feeling really supported. My kids are older (which is such a huge part of me feeling more resourced) and so I have recently been feeling a season expansion coming.

From when baby Alma was born up until just recently, our family has been in a season of major stabilization. We grew fast without much structure to hold us, we had to build it as we went and even retroactively, at times. It’s interesting that my health was also a reflection of this.

But now, it feels like we have steadied. My health is really burgeoning, just as the Spring season we are in. We feel secure and solid. I have come to recognize this place as the restful, preparation-time plateau before the next big level up.

Our family has a lot of potential growth coming