The Myth of Resilience (Soraya Chemaly)
Digest
Elise Lunin, host of "Pull Up The Thread," interviews Saraya Shamali, author of "Rage Becomes Her" and "The Resilience Myth." They discuss the crisis of masculinity and how it's being addressed with more masculinity, rather than embracing feminine qualities. Shamali argues that resilience is a myth, and that we are all resilient by nature. She challenges the cultural ideal of self-sufficiency and individual strength, advocating for collective care and connection. Lunin and Shamali explore the gendered nature of resilience, strength, and mental toughness, highlighting how these concepts are often tied to masculine ideals. They discuss the importance of recognizing the diverse ways in which women experience strength and resilience, and how our culture often fails to acknowledge the contributions of women. The conversation also touches on the impact of socialization on testosterone levels and the need for a more nuanced understanding of gender and its relationship to biology. They conclude by emphasizing the importance of care and connection in a world that often prioritizes individual achievement and self-sufficiency.
Outlines
Introduction
This Chapter introduces Elise Lunin, the host of "Pull Up The Thread," and her guest, Saraya Shamali, author of "Rage Becomes Her" and "The Resilience Myth."
The Crisis of Masculinity
This Chapter delves into the crisis of masculinity and how it's being addressed with more masculinity, rather than embracing feminine qualities. Shamali argues that this approach is misguided and that the cure for the crisis lies in embracing feminine qualities like compassion and connection.
The Resilience Myth
This Chapter explores the concept of resilience and how it's often presented as a myth. Shamali argues that resilience is a natural human capacity, not a skill that needs to be developed. She challenges the cultural ideal of self-sufficiency and individual strength, advocating for collective care and connection.
The Gendered Nature of Resilience
This Chapter examines the gendered nature of resilience, strength, and mental toughness. Lunin and Shamali discuss how these concepts are often tied to masculine ideals and how this can lead to a limited understanding of resilience. They highlight the importance of recognizing the diverse ways in which women experience strength and resilience.
Women's Strength and Resilience
This Chapter explores the ways in which women experience strength and resilience. Lunin and Shamali discuss the example of Jasmine Paris, an ultra marathoner who won a grueling race while breastfeeding a newborn. They also discuss the cultural tendency to define strength in terms of physical power and dominance, rather than endurance and caregiving.
The Biological Reality of Gender
This Chapter delves into the biological reality of gender and how it intersects with cultural concepts. Lunin and Shamali discuss the impact of socialization on testosterone levels and the need for a more nuanced understanding of gender and its relationship to biology.
The Theft of Glory from Women
This Chapter explores the cultural tendency to deny women the opportunity to bask in their own glory. Lunin and Shamali discuss how women are often expected to attribute their success to external factors or to focus on their role as role models for others, rather than celebrating their own achievements.
The Importance of Care and Connection
This Chapter emphasizes the importance of care and connection in a world that often prioritizes individual achievement and self-sufficiency. Lunin and Shamali discuss the need for men to embrace feminine qualities like compassion and empathy, and how this can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling society.
The Role of Humor
This Chapter explores the role of humor in challenging cultural norms and promoting social change. Lunin and Shamali discuss the importance of comedians who can use humor to reveal truths and make people uncomfortable, while also avoiding harmful stereotypes and punching down.
Keywords
Resilience Myth
The Resilience Myth is a book by Saraya Shamali that challenges the cultural ideal of resilience as a personal attribute that can be developed through overcoming adversity. Shamali argues that resilience is a natural human capacity, not a skill that needs to be worked on. She emphasizes the importance of collective care and connection in fostering resilience, rather than focusing on individual strength and self-sufficiency.
Crisis of Masculinity
The Crisis of Masculinity refers to the challenges and anxieties faced by men in a rapidly changing world. Traditional notions of masculinity, often centered around dominance, aggression, and self-sufficiency, are increasingly being questioned. This crisis is characterized by feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and a lack of purpose for many men.
Femininity
Femininity refers to the qualities, behaviors, and roles traditionally associated with women. It encompasses a wide range of traits, including compassion, empathy, nurturing, and connection. In the context of the conversation, femininity is presented as a valuable and essential aspect of human experience, often overlooked or undervalued in a culture that prioritizes masculine ideals.
Care Economy
The Care Economy refers to the unpaid and underpaid work that is essential for maintaining human life and well-being. This includes activities like childcare, eldercare, housework, and emotional support. The Care Economy is often undervalued and under-resourced, despite its crucial role in society. Shamali's work highlights the importance of recognizing and valuing the work of care, both within families and in broader society.
TradWive
TradWive is a term used to describe a modern-day movement that promotes traditional gender roles, particularly in the context of marriage and family life. It often involves women adopting a more domestic and submissive role, while men take on a more dominant and provider role. The conversation critiques this movement, highlighting its problematic reliance on outdated and harmful gender stereotypes.
Status Anxiety
Status Anxiety refers to the feeling of unease and insecurity about one's social position and standing. In the context of the conversation, status anxiety is linked to the pressure on men to maintain a dominant and powerful position in society. This anxiety can lead to harmful behaviors and attitudes, as men strive to assert their dominance and avoid perceived threats to their status.
Gendered Brain
The concept of a Gendered Brain refers to the idea that there are biological differences between male and female brains that influence behavior and cognitive abilities. While some differences do exist, the conversation challenges the notion that these differences are deterministic or that they justify gender inequality. It emphasizes the importance of considering the role of socialization and cultural factors in shaping gendered behavior.
Testosterone
Testosterone is a hormone primarily associated with men, but also present in women, that plays a role in physical development, sexual function, and aggression. The conversation challenges the simplistic view that testosterone directly causes aggressive behavior, arguing that behavior can also influence testosterone levels. It highlights the importance of considering the complex interplay between biology and social factors in shaping behavior.
Collective Care
Collective Care refers to the idea that individuals and communities should work together to support and care for one another. This contrasts with the individualistic approach to resilience, which emphasizes personal strength and self-sufficiency. Shamali argues that collective care is essential for fostering resilience and creating a more just and equitable society.
Feminization of Society
The Feminization of Society refers to the increasing influence of feminine values and perspectives in society. This is often seen as a positive development, as it can lead to a more compassionate, empathetic, and relational society. However, some individuals, particularly those who hold traditional views of masculinity, view this trend with fear and anxiety, seeing it as a threat to their power and status.
Q&A
What is the crisis of masculinity and how is it being addressed?
The crisis of masculinity refers to the challenges and anxieties faced by men in a rapidly changing world. Traditional notions of masculinity, often centered around dominance, aggression, and self-sufficiency, are increasingly being questioned. This crisis is characterized by feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and a lack of purpose for many men. The conversation highlights the problematic trend of addressing this crisis with more masculinity, rather than embracing feminine qualities like compassion and connection.
What is the Resilience Myth and why is it a myth?
The Resilience Myth is the idea that resilience is a personal attribute that can be developed through overcoming adversity. Shamali argues that this is a myth because resilience is a natural human capacity, not a skill that needs to be worked on. She emphasizes the importance of collective care and connection in fostering resilience, rather than focusing on individual strength and self-sufficiency.
How are resilience, strength, and mental toughness gendered?
Resilience, strength, and mental toughness are often tied to masculine ideals, which can lead to a limited understanding of these concepts. The conversation highlights how women experience strength and resilience in diverse ways, often through endurance, caregiving, and emotional intelligence, which are often undervalued in a culture that prioritizes physical power and dominance.
What is the role of testosterone in behavior?
The conversation challenges the simplistic view that testosterone directly causes aggressive behavior. It argues that behavior can also influence testosterone levels, highlighting the importance of considering the complex interplay between biology and social factors in shaping behavior. The example of the study where testosterone levels increased in both men and women who played the role of a boss demonstrates this point.
Why is collective care important for resilience?
Collective care refers to the idea that individuals and communities should work together to support and care for one another. This contrasts with the individualistic approach to resilience, which emphasizes personal strength and self-sufficiency. Shamali argues that collective care is essential for fostering resilience and creating a more just and equitable society.
What is the feminization of society and why is it controversial?
The Feminization of Society refers to the increasing influence of feminine values and perspectives in society. This is often seen as a positive development, as it can lead to a more compassionate, empathetic, and relational society. However, some individuals, particularly those who hold traditional views of masculinity, view this trend with fear and anxiety, seeing it as a threat to their power and status.
How does the culture's emphasis on individual achievement and self-sufficiency impact resilience?
The conversation argues that the cultural emphasis on individual achievement and self-sufficiency can undermine resilience. It suggests that a more collective and relational approach to life, emphasizing care and connection, is essential for fostering resilience and well-being.
What is the role of humor in challenging cultural norms?
Humor can be a powerful tool for challenging cultural norms and promoting social change. Comedians who can use humor to reveal truths and make people uncomfortable, while also avoiding harmful stereotypes and punching down, play a crucial role in fostering critical thinking and promoting social awareness.
How does the culture's emphasis on individual achievement and self-sufficiency impact resilience?
The conversation argues that the cultural emphasis on individual achievement and self-sufficiency can undermine resilience. It suggests that a more collective and relational approach to life, emphasizing care and connection, is essential for fostering resilience and well-being.
What is the role of humor in challenging cultural norms?
Humor can be a powerful tool for challenging cultural norms and promoting social change. Comedians who can use humor to reveal truths and make people uncomfortable, while also avoiding harmful stereotypes and punching down, play a crucial role in fostering critical thinking and promoting social awareness.
Show Notes
“This is the richness of the traditional wife explosion, right? There's this simple idea that you get to choose. Now you're choosing to emulate a situation that's a fiction in that those women didn't choose anything. They had to dress like that. They had to live like that. They had to be nice to the men like that, because they had no bank accounts. They had no cars. They had no licenses. They had no income. They had no security. So, don't equate these two things because you're just kind of living a dignified version of something that was pretty egregiously harmful, you know. And it's the difference, I think, in knowing that you have an option.”
So says Soraya Chemaly, an award-winning writer, journalist and activist whose work has been at the center of mine. Her now-classic, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger lit me on fire—not only for the deftness of her arguments but also because she is a meticulous researcher. What she gave air to in the pages of that book blew me away. She figures prominently in the endnotes of On Our Best Behavior.
Her new book, The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth After Trauma, follows a similar path. Soraya takes something we’ve been served as an ideal—develop resilience—and flips it on its head, both widening and undermining this definition. She challenges our cultural myths about this concept and urges us all to shift and expand our perspective on the trait, moving from prioritizing the role of the individual to overcome and conquer to focusing on what’s really at work, which is collective care and connections with our communities. As she proves in these pages, resilience is always relational.
MORE FROM SORAYA CHEMALY:
The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth After Trauma
Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger
Follow Soraya on Instagram
Soraya’s Website
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