Digest

This episode of the Liz Moody Podcast continues the conversation about modern friendship with Anna Goldfarb, a journalist and friendship expert. They discuss the impact of social media on friendships, the ideal number of close friends, and how to navigate political differences within friendships. Anna also offers advice on how to support friends who are making choices you don't agree with, emphasizing the importance of understanding their perspective and supporting them without trying to control their decisions. The episode concludes with a discussion about the challenges men face in maintaining friendships, and Anna shares her insights on how to help your partner build stronger connections with other men. She encourages listeners to identify their "jacuzzi tier" of friends and to reach out to them to express their appreciation and commitment to the relationship. Anna also provides a brief overview of her book, "Modern Friendship," which offers practical advice and insights on navigating the complexities of friendships in today's world.

Outlines

00:00:00

Introduction

This Chapter introduces the Liz Moody Podcast and its focus on helping listeners live their healthiest, happiest lives. It highlights the episode's topic: modern friendship and the paradigm shift it presents. The host, Liz Moody, expresses her excitement about the interview with Anna Goldfarb, a journalist and friendship expert, and the valuable insights the episode will offer.

00:03:46

The Problem with Modern Friendship

This Chapter delves into the challenges of modern friendship. Anna Goldfarb, a friendship expert, explains that people are disoriented with their friendships because their strategies no longer work. She attributes this to busy lives, complex relationships, and the overwhelming amount of information we are bombarded with. Anna highlights the impact of later marriages on friendships, as individuals often struggle to combine their separate friend groups.

00:08:02

The Importance of "About" in Friendship

This Chapter explores the concept of "about" in friendship. Anna argues that affection is a component of friendship, but not the reason for it. She emphasizes the need for a shared interest or purpose that goes beyond personal connection. Anna explains how this "about" can be a portal to deeper relationships and how it can change over time. She also discusses the challenges of outdated or absent "abouts" and how to navigate them.

00:16:11

Negotiating and Finding "About"

This Chapter provides practical advice on how to find and negotiate "about" in friendships. Anna suggests using the phrase "I want a friend to do X with" when seeking new friends. She also encourages listeners to actively renegotiate "about" in existing friendships by asking questions and exploring shared interests. Anna emphasizes the importance of having a clear and compelling "about" to avoid ghosting and flaking.

00:20:16

Memorial vs. Active Friendships

This Chapter distinguishes between memorial and active friendships. Anna explains that memorial friendships are high in affection but low in frequency and contact, while active friendships are high in communication and based on shared passions or hobbies. She argues that it's important to hold different expectations for these two types of friendships and to nurture both.

00:29:26

Being a Better Friend

This Chapter offers specific tips for being a better friend. Anna suggests subtly redirecting conversations to focus on the other person, prioritizing a small group of close friends, and expressing love and appreciation. She also emphasizes the importance of making memories together and being supportive of friends' goals and dreams.

00:48:15

Toxic Friendships

This Chapter explores the signs of a toxic friendship. Anna identifies repeated negativity, lack of respect, and a feeling of being unsupported as red flags. She emphasizes that friendships are voluntary and that it's okay to walk away from relationships that are not healthy or fulfilling.

00:58:27

The 3Ds of Friendship

This Chapter introduces Anna's framework for healthy friendships: the 3Ds of desire, diligence, and delight. Desire refers to the shared interest or purpose that draws people together. Diligence involves prioritizing time with friends and being intentional in your interactions. Delight emphasizes the importance of enjoying your time together and being mindful of the little things that can drive friends away.

01:31:52

Anna's Book: Modern Friendship

This Chapter provides a brief overview of Anna's book, "Modern Friendship." Anna explains that the book is based on her extensive experience writing about friendship for major publications and offers practical advice and insights on navigating the complexities of friendships in today's world.

Keywords

Q&A

• What are the challenges of modern friendship?

  Modern friendships are challenged by busy lives, complex relationships, and the overwhelming amount of information we are bombarded with. Later marriages also impact friendships, as individuals often struggle to combine their separate friend groups.

• What is the importance of "about" in friendship?

  Friendships need a "purpose" or "about" beyond just affection. This "about" can be a shared interest, passion, goal, or even a shared experience. It provides a reason for connection and can change over time as people evolve and their interests shift.

• How can I find and negotiate "about" in friendships?

  When seeking new friends, use the phrase "I want a friend to do X with." Actively renegotiate "about" in existing friendships by asking questions and exploring shared interests. Having a clear and compelling "about" can help avoid ghosting and flaking.

• What is the difference between memorial and active friendships?

  Memorial friendships are high in affection but low in frequency and contact, while active friendships are high in communication and based on shared passions or hobbies. It's important to hold different expectations for these two types of friendships and to nurture both.

• What are some specific tips for being a better friend?

  Subtly redirect conversations to focus on the other person, prioritize a small group of close friends, and express love and appreciation. Make memories together and be supportive of friends' goals and dreams.

• What are the signs of a toxic friendship?

  Repeated negativity, lack of respect, and a feeling of being unsupported are red flags. It's okay to walk away from relationships that are not healthy or fulfilling.

• What are the 3Ds of friendship?

  The 3Ds are desire, diligence, and delight. Desire refers to the shared interest or purpose that draws people together. Diligence involves prioritizing time with friends and being intentional in your interactions. Delight emphasizes the importance of enjoying your time together and being mindful of the little things that can drive friends away.

• How can I reverse engineer the 3Ds to improve a lackluster friendship?

  If a friendship is feeling lackluster, consider whether desire, diligence, or delight is missing. If you're not having fun, delight is probably not happening. If you're saying you should get together but it never happens, diligence is lacking. The key is to be intentional and to have a clear "about" for your interactions.

• What is the ideal number of friends to have?

  According to Robin Dunbar's research, the ideal number of close friends is three to five. This is based on the idea that humans have limited social capacity and can only maintain stable relationships with a small number of people.

• How can I make new friends?

  The best strategy is to care about other people and help them achieve their goals. This creates a sense of belonging and can lead to deeper connections. Be intentional in your interactions and offer something valuable to the other person.

Show Notes