Ladies and gents, hold onto your hats, grab your ketchup and mustard, and get ready for the mother of all hot dog-eating contests! This week’s episode of the “What are We Doing” podcast is serving up a buffet of bizarre news, juicy rivalries, and the kind of absurdity you’ve come to expect and love.

First up, let’s talk about the gastronomic gladiators themselves: Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. These titans of the tubular meat world are set to face off in the ultimate hot dog-eating contest, “Chestnut vs. Kobayashi: Unfinished Beef,” streaming live on Netflix this Labor Day. Yep, Netflix is now your go-to source for watching grown men devour hot dogs like they’re training for an apocalypse where food is solely measured in units of hot dogs per minute.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock (or maybe just not paying attention to the high-stakes world of competitive eating), Joey Chestnut is the guy who once inhaled 76 hot dogs in ten minutes. That’s right, the man is a literal black hole for frankfurters. And now, after being booted from Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for cozying up to vegan hot dogs—yes, you heard that correctly, vegan hot dogs—he’s back with a vengeance. His arch-nemesis, Kobayashi, the former hot dog overlord, is coming out of retirement because nothing says “unfinished business” like a few thousand calories of beef and bun.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get weirder, enter stage right: Donald J. Trump, the man who puts the “why” in “why is this happening?” Fresh from a meeting with his probation officer, Trump went on an impassioned rant about the dual threats facing our great nation: sharks and electric boat batteries. Forget the economy, climate change, or healthcare. No, the real issue plaguing America is the shocking epidemic of battery-powered boats sinking and leaving their hapless passengers to choose between electrocution or becoming shark chow.

In a moment of sheer brilliance, Trump pondered the existential dilemma: “Do I get electrocuted if the boat is sinking and water goes over the battery, or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?” This is the kind of hard-hitting, deeply intellectual question that keeps America up at night. Biden? Sleepy Joe is probably too busy napping or running his alleged global crime family to even consider the lethal combination of aquatic predators and boat batteries.

Why are the boats sinking? Is it a Democratic plot to destroy our freedom? Are the sharks secret agents working for the Biden Crime Family? These are the real questions, people! Forget about inflation or foreign policy—Trump is the hero who’s going to save us from the electrifying jaws of battery-powered boat destruction. Vote wisely, or else face the wrath of the underwater electric apocalypse.

Moving on from the ridiculous to the just plain scandalous, Chris Brown is back in the news. This time, it’s not for throwing shade or fists but for throwing hands—literally—on his fans’ derrières. Brown’s meet-and-greets have evolved into legendary events where fans can not only meet the star but also experience his enthusiastic grasp. For a mere $1,111 (a nod to his “11:11 ” album), fans get a whole package deal including early concert entry, signed merch, and a personal photo op with Brown himself, complete with booty-grabbing action.

Yes, you too can have a memory that will last a lifetime: a picture of Chris Brown cupping your cheeks like he’s shaping pottery in “Ghost.” Fans are flocking to these sold-out events, eager to be the next viral sensation with a photo that screams, “I met Chris Brown, and all I got was this unexpected fondle.”

So there you have it, folks. Episode 145 of the “What are We Doing” podcast is a rollercoaster ride through the bizarre, the hilarious, and the downright absurd. From hot dog showdowns that make the Roman Colosseum look like a playground scuffle, to presidential shark rants that belong in a sci-fi thriller, to celebrity meet-and-greets that redefine “personal touch,” we’ve covered it all.

Stay tuned, because as long as there are hot dogs to eat, sharks to misunderstand, and celebrities to awkwardly engage with their fans, we’ll be here to bring you the best of the bizarre. Until next time, keep your ketchup close and your sense of reality closer.

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