In therapy, I’ve learned a lot about differentiation. Here’s the printout my therapist gave me:

I have had to work really hard to move away from co-dependence. And this has been a scary and painful process. But, ultimately, it has saved my heart and life. It has matured me in ways I did not expect.

I have talked about my faith before and how I believe in a Source or an Entity that perpetuates goodness. As I have become more self-dependent and differentiated, I have actually witness and felt this Source more often. I pray more, too. This is something I did not expect. I see more beauty in myself and others, and I also see more darkness too.

That’s the point of my mental health journey: to see and be seen as myself. Before, I have let others define me and I have tried to define others.

Life is so much better now that I’m free from that. My depression isn’t so powerful as it was. I can deal.

If you know someone who’s on a mental health journey, you know how important it is that they get the help they need. You can help more people, and men specifically, get that help by donating to the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride, a non-profit that raises money for men’s health research.

I’ll be riding my motorcycle for men’s health this May 18th. Help me and countless other men get the help they need by donating:

https://gfolk.me/ZachARoush

ruminations on a September day, San Diego

i can feel the world speaking to me
“pay attention,
pay attention”
to the quiet working of the bee, the student, to the
filtered sunshine through olive leaves,
silver, green, and bright
“i am the miracle
all around you,
in the wind, the table’s wood grain,
that panting dog”
i live inside a miracle inside an Earth of miracles — i miss this
the key is silence and quiet
the door is always there; it’s not the thing that’s locked
my mind is often engorged on drinks, screens, desire
these are the walls and vaults;
i trap myself within them out of habit, a slave to my own chaos
inner peace is freedom, its own shore
apart from distraction
an oasis of self
people say transparency is everything
but i can’t let the world pass through me like
i’m a ghost; i’m not intangible
i have to have walls.
i must build them of glass so
i can be seen, and
there should always be a door in - but just one
i have to be real, concrete, unbroken,
holding the world at arm’s length but holding it all the same
if i let go, i’ll die
i’ll be gone forever; miracles
can only be witnessed if
i keep a grip on living.
birds leap from branch to branch overhead, among the silver boughs,
arrow shadows, chirps calling cheerfully

i can hold on
just a little longer.

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