Bad Counsel

Sound Bites"The second take is always worse than the first.""I had too many notes, that never works for me.""I had a panic attack because I thought I was fucked up.""Ketamine instantly blocked suicidal ideations.""Do you find the death pool appalling?""Wrestling is horrible at this level.""Hilary Duff's baby is gonna be born soon.""That's a fucking huge payout.""It's a dark game. I'm very uncomfortable with it.""We'll do it live!""You're like Icarus, Bert.""There's gonna be a Netflix documentary on Iron Maiden.""I fucked a cousin.""He does look like a cousin fucker.""If 23andMe revealed..." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"We lost power about one o'clock on Wednesday.""It was terrifying.""We were one of the last areas to get power.""How could we survive?""Normal prep, not like doomsday preppers.""It was not pleasant.""Nobody goes to the used record store""I saved a life this weekend""Three days, right?""Mom jokes will always be funny.""Let's talk about dead people.""I'd like to bury my balls in your pocket.""I just wouldn't want like some uptight parent calling.""I definitely didn't want my kids to be like the kids who go to college and never fucking drank.""I would worry that I would be getting in trouble.""Who hasn't dropped a load on somebody's photo?""Maybe she's got a big face.""Is that what we're doing?" ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"You seem grouchy.""My mom fell getting off of her cruise.""He's doing his best at lowering expectations.""You think because you like ice skating, means you have low T?""I'm never going to amusement park again.""I had a whole plan.""I became very afraid that we were about to crash.""Let's do it again!""It was so traumatic, he had to go." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"That looks like my mom.""We think everyone else looks old.""Do we look like that?""I think wives can be stolen.""Are you allowed to take life insurance out on somebody?""We could all kick in 100 bucks and submit five names.""That's love, man, right there.""I can't wait to hear all about it.""No one likes the AI voices." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"It's just in time, man.""I see robots all the time now.""I was in England where it rained.""That's probably why I only did it for about six months.""I bet you're in fucking great shape.""This is how I imagine it in my head.""I regret that day.""You probably, so you would go back.""Don't be a dick about it." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"Well, I don't know if this was fun, but I kind of wanted to, actually I'll wait. I have a story I want to share with everybody. I want to brag a little bit. I want to brag a little, so I'll wait.""I went grocery shopping today and as I'm putting my stuff out of the cart onto the belt for the cashier to ring it up, a woman pulls in behind me on her cart and she's probably, you know, late 30s, early 40s. She starts giggling. I look up, she goes, my God, I'm sorry, but you are so cute.""We went to a new weed doctor. Oh, did you?""But he likes to lick it off Michelle's ass crack.""MDMA, it's fun. You can't do too much though.""I have a drug scale and MC capsules.""Let's talk about some labor issues, motherfucker.""Let's get Burt going on unions and his opinion of unions.""Cat gate""Yeah, that's funny. I was watching a little porn today and this young girl had a pretty hairy bush and she was using it to like adjust it. She'd grab that fistful of hair and pull it up and to the side and use it as a tool. I liked it. Good for her.""Maybe it's like Chatbot AI trying to get smarter and this is how it learns about relationships. What to do with, like somebody must have typed into Chatbot, my balls stink. And they're like, you know what? We got nothing. Let's write back council. Let's leave back council voicemail.""Maybe leave a note on his door. Dear sir, your kind is smelly.""You know what I would do if I was this chick? I would start talking about one of our friends that he thinks is hot might like him or might be asking about him and see if there's a change in his grooming behavior. So he thinks, hey, maybe if I get laid, I'll start washing my shit. Her cooter.""So no cleaning crews, right? Nobody cleaned that place for four days. They couldn't find a dead body at a desk.""He was innocent. Poor our Bud Dwyer.""I was only doing baby ketamine, Katie, not the 40 milligrams of ketamine.""On the nights we share tab, I spend almost twice as much as I normally do.""Well, you know, I'll help this guy because I feel it's our obligation to help this guy." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"Kids home.""It reduces the bandwidth actually when they're when they're home.""The only problem is she's so into Jesus, like Michelle has to go up to the pool with her and hear about Jesus the whole time.""Did you get the drugs?""You're all invited to the boat party""Are you excited that this guy Joe wants to come?""Weed sperm.""Yeah, she used to stick up the whole condo making can of butter.""He gets worried when I say a nice, sincere thing.""I apologize, goose. I apologize.""I would feel, that would just feel kind of creepy.""OMG, I know your mom.""Halle Berry's gotta be 55, 58. That's pretty old, man. Holy shit.""Elizabeth Shue wasn't, she got more attractive as she got older, I think.""Joan Rivers made a joke once about women getting plastic surgery and every time their mouths getting bigger and bigger until finally they look like something you should be trying to toss a beanbag into.""Jillian Anderson is 56, right? And she's hot as fucking hell.""Oh my god, I'm looking at a picture of Elizabeth Hurley in a fucking bathing suit at age 55. She is fucking gorgeous.""Nicole Kidman." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"I had no idea, right? Because that's all I wanted.""Well, no, but after you date for a while and you figure out that they're cool, like, you know what I mean?""He's a check down machine.""My new passion is watching strangers listen to Rush for the first time""For some reason, seeing these people discovering this band that I've loved all my life and really appreciating them, because that's part of the fun is that they really respect their musicianship and they're surprised""There's nobody he's passionate about""I really don't want to discuss it with him because it's Yuck.""Does everybody else hear that? Weirdness.""Yeah, I'll ask her.""Motherfuckers. Fuck that guy.""She's insane, right? It's not like I'm cheating on her.""How about like s... Bitch.""Pole dancing, Katie watches it and shows me, it is far more athletic than break dancing.""What other fun activities are going to be Olympic sports?""Survival shows maybe drop off Olympic survivalists in a different town and they have to find their way back." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"I love that feeling""I voice record what I'm thinking""Getting a second dog may indicate potential relationship issues""Mmm, nice slow ghost.""How much does Tammy like them or the woman? Is she gonna miss the relationship or is she like, yeah, that's cool, we don't have to see them as much?""He actually has my secondary range finder.""Now it's dead. Yeah.""A rope around its neck.""Oh, yeah, at least it wasn't in a pot.""Trying to poke her, buddy. That's it. That's the only hole you need to poke.""Yeah, smart people are very good at convincing themselves of bullshit.""People need to believe in something that is bigger than themselves.""I don't think I've ever seen any of my brothers naked, like fully naked, you know, ever, you know?""I mean, look, if you gotta take an emergency shit, like, you gotta take an emergency shit. Like, all bets are off at that point, you know what I mean?""I peed in the pool too. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Don't judge me. Don't fucking judge me.""You're stanky.""Oh, I can't imagine being on the other side of that, though.""Wash the day away from your vege." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"So for two days between the hours of eight and four thirty, no one in the building can flush their toilets.""How many residents did you have to get this notice to?""I'm gonna burn the whole day""It was all couples.""Was it sexy enough that when you got home that night you could recall specific scenes and use that as your masturbatory material?""I'm going to see limp biscuit.""You stop laughing. You stop laughing.""Whatever it is. Whatever. I love you, though, man. I do love you. You're mostly funny. Mostly funny.""No""All the movies in the 70s and 80s had lots of nudity.""Yeah, you're a dick, dude. You're - Oh, you're dick, too, Bert.""Well, yeah, but okay, so I'm talking about when when when if you get a waiter or way if you get wait staff as a lousy demeanor, right?""I love watching track and field""I used to run track and cross country""He smells like Fritos" ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"I'm not interested. Oh, it's a pagan set. I love""So I got to get the Penguin Cinco de Mayo shirt or the St. Patrick's Day t-shirt. Those are always good.""Well, sorry Tim. I guess I'm a flawed person.""I cannot fucking believe it. Like after watching him like roll a fucking car and then being upside down, I'm sure that fucking kid's gonna be sore as hell today or yesterday.""Upside down you turn me""Oh my God.""That guy's a fucking genius.""Your parallel parking. Ooh, that's a tough one.""It's well to watch and you realize there's such an enclosed space, right?""Alright. Well, you guys ready to start the show? Have I been recording this? Oh, okay.""Bug the house. Absolutely.""You know, nowadays, can feel like everyone's life's gonna be on camera and filmed in social media and you'll be able to go back and, you know, find some evidence of things.""Even if you get her pregnant, don't do it.""Sometimes sex happens.""Whip Cream on Your Privates" ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"Like have you guys ever been roped into an old timey photograph?""There's nothing worse than kids, hockey fucking uniforms, man.""I feel like I stink more now than I did when I was a younger man.""Oh, they're gonna start carrying man.""Yeah, I shake till I cum.""Actually, actually this whole this whole week I've had great one of Greg's songs from Winston the musical stuck in my It's the underpants song gets really in my head, what would they say about my underpants?""Oh, no, no mushroom soup like I like maybe mushrooms on a salad, but mushroom""Yeah, I think my angel food would be I like pizza. That's a good one in french fries.""Perogies. You never have perogies. Why not? That's so sad.""Yeah, takes it up the ass.""The first thing you do is you figure out all the sex positions that you can come up with.""She had this like really long kind of corkscrew hair coming out of one of her nipples""Do your friends influence your dating choices?""Take your shots and find your rightful spot in the hierarchy of looks.""Dump them and keep looking for someone better." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"I wish I was nerdy about one thing and one thing only""I like being more of a generalist""I couldn't think of a single thing that I feel like I could do it justice to evaluate""Yeah, there's a lot of celebrity deaths. Yeah, fourth. And you know what? Somebody you didn't even suspect, somebody young relatively speaking. Yeah.""Oh yeah. Well I liked her and she had a little bit part in Annie Hall too that I liked. She played a kind of a vacuous model that Woody Allen was dating and I thought she was good in""Yeah, she's like, yeah, right the wolf Yeah""Those girls know that they're addicted to something, you know. They know they're getting shot up with heroin or whatever. You know, they're not getting heroin slipped into their diet Pepsi's and that's why they're acting so crazy.""Some of the happiest memories of my life were when I had little prescriptions of Vicodin.""Best Thanksgiving of my life. I was alone. I just had my meniscus surgery and I had this little prescription of Vicodin.""I just hide them in the back of the shelf so they can't see them.""It's not the thrill of stealing it, but I want that towel.""Sure man, yeah, fine, fine, if you want that, fine.""There's victory then there's the appearance of victory""The fact that you have to now worry about the feelings of your wife, it kind of sucks all the joy out of playing a game""The objective is to get your dick wet" ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"The Indians saved their ass so many times""The Native Americans saved them""The connection between the Indian Wars and Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam""Replace truth for fiction for truth.""I hope that I'm making you feel obligated to invite us in the future""We're like old bandmates who get that we're kind of inextricably linked together""Seriously though, I have two friends that I've been friends with since the ninth grade. We're so close that a lot of our friends refer to us as Moe, Larry, and Curly.""Oh my god""Let's change this around. Why don't we change it around? Greg, you're fucking Michelle, right? And then you're fucking Michelle and then Tim. Send me pictures""There's a certain tendency that definitely exists out there.""That's gonna be a horrible life. Being a horny chick who wants to fuck and then has to cr - and then just feels terrible guilt afterwards.""Yeah, but can they open their mouth and suck dick? That's what we really bad as.""What was that movie where Tom Cruise was a cop that arrested people before they committed the crime? Minority Report.""My God, should we not maybe make them look so indistinguishable from humans that they can infiltrate and kill us? This is just like, you know, Terminator.""Can you guys imagine, I mean, it's probably not unrealistic that in, I don't know, 10 years, 15 years, no, seriously, 10, 15, 20 years, like that these humanoid robots will be available commercially and affordable for most middle class and up families, like to have like servants." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Sound Bites"That is a bad day. That is a bad day.""I've been in many of those little convenience stores and gas stations.""I can shut up, but it's it's it's not it's like it's still more difficult to close.""We're gonna bring a bunch of edibles to Pittsburgh Bird, so that'll be fun.""Is it reciprocal? Like if you've got a medical card from Florida, is it?""Jessica Rabbit was hot. I don't care in any way.""You're not winning the over 50 with a GoPro on your head, Greg. You gotta just...""You could. Penis cam.""Yeah, well, I mean, if you're doing downhill shit like that, like if you're racing downhill, that's where the guys can really get hurt.""He could see where one would find me terrifying""You can come in there and piss in the cat thing all you want if that's your kink""Why can't they invent that for people though?""Ahahahahah""Yeah, she hit me so hard my clothes flew off.""I love when you too feud""You know they sell those devices you plug in that supposedly draw the smoke in like wear one of those around like a flavor on a necklace""I love smokers though. Like, you know, my brother's a smoker. He smokes indoors. He seems so shocked about it, you know.""My dad would smoke with the windows rolled up in the car. We were hot boxing, fucking cigarette smoke on trips." ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★