Coffee with The Couple Cure

When addicts first get caught, most expect their partner to just move on: “I'm sorry! I quit! let's never talk about this again!” But here's the brutal truth: that mindset destroys any chance of real healing. In this raw conversation, Jay reveals what he expected Lori to just get over shortly after D-Day, and why that expectation was completely backwards. We break down: • WHY ADDICTS RESIST talking about it • The SILENT TACTICS keep partners trapped • What "PROACTIVITY" actually means in recovery • Why betrayal trauma is like still being IN COMBAT • ONE THING that would have SPED UP our healing (both partners need to hear this) • Why this is NOT BIBLICAL or healthy For addicts: If you're frustrated, she's not "over it yet," this will show you what you're actually asking her to carry. (Hint: Trust isn't something you automatically deserve.) For partners: If anyone has told you to just forgive and move on, this validates why that advice is toxic. You're not being stubborn. You're in trauma. And he needs to understand what that really means. This is about what real repair looks like versus just getting back to ‘status quo.’ Because maintaining peace through silence isn't peace at all. Timestamps 00:00 Hook 00:39 Intro 01:42 How quickly did that mindset kick in for you? 04:00 Why does she keep talking about it? 06:52 Did you pressure me even silently to move on faster (or maybe not so silently)? 09:55 I didn't want to work hard. 10:45 What surprised you most about how long healing really takes? 11:35 What is the "lived out" definition of what you need? 13:58 How did learning about betrayal trauma change your expectation? 15:50 What did you need to unlearn about healing timelines to really show up for me? 18:01 What advice would you give to men who are frustrated that their wives aren't "over it" yet? 19:23 For our listeners: Did anyone tell you to "Just get over it?" 20:17 If you could go back to the beginning, what's one thing you would tell me about the pace of healing? 21:52 What Lori wished had happened. 23:36 Your silence may be costing you your peace. 24:58 Behind the Scenes -- We mentioned The Basics of Rebuilding Trust, buy it here: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay explains many deception tactics he used to hide his addiction. From robotic denials to fake confusion, playing dumb to calculated outbursts, this video exposes the manipulation patterns that betrayed partners recognize but often can't prove. It also covers: -Specific moments Lori caught him using these tactics -Addicts’ delusions and brain fog -Calculated timing of confessions -Partial truths If you're a betrayed partner questioning your sanity or an addict wondering how long your tactics will work, this conversation will open your eyes. The lies addicts think are CLEVER are actually TRANSPARENT—and prolonging deception only makes healing harder for everyone. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 01:31 What tactics did you use to lie and cover up your porn use? 02:28 Minimizing is lying 03:48 Becoming re-sensitized 05:35 Ever play dumb or fake confusion to avoid getting caught? 06:27 USED THE TRUTH to make your lies more believable? 07:54 Addicts test the waters by dripping the information out 10:03 Ever knowingly PLAYED UPON MY SYMPATHIES? 12:08 Phrases or emotion did you fake to throw me off? 13:12 Robotic lines 13:53 Using anger to hide 15:15 Ever not think too hard? 16:22 The DELUSIONAL Brain Fog* 17:18 Ever used my trauma fog or MY KINDNESS against me? 17:55 Waited me out, hoping I would forget? 20:02 What tactics did we forget? Let us know in the comments. -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #betrayedwife

In this compelling episode, we tackle the challenging subject of emotional avoidance and addiction recovery. Jay opens up about his struggles with feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and boredom, which led him to turn to porn. We discuss the importance of facing these emotions head-on, rather than fleeing from them, as well as HEALTHIER coping mechanisms and the significance of accepting, rather than resisting, life's emotional challenges. We start with testimonials from listeners that underscore the impact of Jay's vulnerability and transparency in helping betrayed spouses on their recovery journeys. Highlights of this episode: - The shocking fear a 6'0" ex-military man couldn't face (this will surprise you) - Why boredom is actually dangerous and how it triggers relapse cycles - The difference between wanting to numb emotions vs. learning to feel them (game-changer) - How to tell if you're using 'recovery' to avoid real healing (most people miss this) - The #1 sign you might be addicted (hint: it's about 5-second interactions) - Practical coping techniques that actually work long-term (not just band-aids) TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro and Listener Feedback 04:05 Why BOREDOM is an issue for addicts 05:28 Dealing with PAST TRAUMAS 06:43 What truths were you refusing to face? 07:22 A fear Jay had not dealt with 09:20 Any truths about yourself you were afraid to face? 09:41 What did those fears feel like in your body? 11:23 Which of the feelings were THE MOST UNBEARABLE? 11:41 Did running away work? 14:16 Did you think NUMBNESS WAS A STRENGTH? 15:40 When did you first start using coping techniques to deal with those emotions? 16:31 SOLUTION: TO build RESILIENCE, ask "What bad really happens?" 18:18 What could you 'not handle'? (Expectations v. Acceptance) 22:38 3 biggest emotions you now face? 26:11 How to create LONG-TERM DOPAMINE 28:02 Behind the scenes -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay opens up about the internal voice telling him to confess his porn addiction - and why he actively chose to ignore it for years. We explore: • The pattern of CALCULATED DELAY • What that "voice of truth" actually sounds like • The PERSONAL COSTS of ignoring God's promptings • The split-second decision between truth and silence • How SILENCE IS NEVER NEUTRAL • When lying feels holy If you're struggling with porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or wondering whether to come clean about your secrets, this conversation offers hope and practical insight into this crucial part of the recovery process. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 00:28 Did you ever feel like you should tell the truth? 01:39 Jay describes the VOICE OF TRUTH (hearing God) 04:36 Earlier opportunities to avoid D-Day 06:29 What did you do when the voice showed up? 08:06 On feeling unlovable 10:05 When the wife ACCEPTS THE ADDICTION 12:55 Misunderstanding about ATTRACTIVE WOMEN 15:44 HOW GOD SEES US (3 ways) 18:35 Did you think silence would keep you lovable? 21:50 Personal COSTS of ignored nudges 24:31 Silence is never neutral 28:16 Was there a question I SHOULD HAVE ASKED to make you confess? 30:28 Was there any part of this that felt holy or virtuous? (spiritual costs) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this raw conversation, we expose why the lies addicts tell and the beliefs they hide behind increase betrayal trauma. Jay opens up about the shocking justifications for his deceit and the internal struggles he faced while battling addiction. We cover two ways to COMBAT THE DELUSION of 'protecting' a partner from the truth. Lori asks about the deep-seated beliefs that shaped his actions, and stay until the end in for an eye-opening conversation on spiritual values, as well as a behind the scenes (kind of funny) moment. Timestamps 00:00 Intro and Question 02:01 I don't want to get better 04:42 It became acceptable 05:17 “The beliefs that justified my lies” 09:02 Beliefs about LIFE/RELATIONSHIPS that helped him justify lying* 13:41 One more belief from his past 14:42 Solution: What is the history of the addict in your life? 16:55 "Maybe I SHOULD QUIT the thing I'm lying about?"* 18:35 Delusion and Pollyanna 20:36 Did Jay ever think the lying would cause more damage than porn. 23:58 What was the most shocking lie Jay justified? 24:53 Did SPIRITUAL/MORAL VALUES ever compete with his justifications?* 26:37 Jay’s thinking now? 27:41 The PROBLEM WITH CONFESSING all at once* 28:55 WORSE than porn 31:21 Feedback 32:06 BTS Moment involving a Bow and Arrow -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #BetrayalTrauma #HealingTrust #PornAddiction #MarriageAdvice #Confession

After 15 years of addiction, lies, and hiding, Jay finally found BROKENNESS. Not in a loud, dramatic crash, but in a quiet, rock-bottom moment where he just couldn’t keep lying about it... not to his wife, and not to himself. In this video, we unpack THE MOMENT everything shifted, the darkest time in our marriage. We also cover the exact truths that went through Jay's mind at that moment, what finally broke the cycle, and what actions keep him sober to this day. If you're stuck in addiction or trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation gets real. We name what actually changes things—not just for addicts, but for the wives of men who are ready to get serious. This was the moment that made truth livable. This was the day everything began to change. TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro and Question 00:43 The day Jay found BROKENNESS/hit ROCK BOTTOM 02:54 Jay's darkest moment (This really FRUSTRATES Lori) 05:33 What Jay told himself when he hit Rock Bottom 06:19 What made all the difference 08:13 Solution: If you can't leave 11:52 Addicted thinking vs Sober thinking 13:56 How Jay stays sober 15 years later* 16:08 "Those made all the difference" * 16:58 One big thing 17:57 What FREEDOM actually feels like now* 19:44 How Jay feels about himself now 21:18 How Jay has changed (from Loris POV) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #rockbottom #truth #healing #soberlife #addiction #marriagehelp #liedtoher #pornrecovery #breakthestigma

What does real intimacy feel like after betrayal, addiction, and years of rebuilding trust? In this episode, we open up about how Jay’s ability to connect has changed over time — from fake vulnerability and performance to HONEST EMOTIONS and simple, humble presence. Jay shares how he used to seek physical intimacy to avoid emotions, and how healing has redefined what closeness feels like. We talk about the risks of being emotionally naked, the power of GIVING SACRIFICIALLY, and how intimacy now lives in the small moments we missed before. Topics we explore in this episode: – The quickest path to intimacy (hint: it's not sex) – What vulnerability really means – Giving to give vs. giving to get – Why 50/50 doesn’t fully heal relationships – Untangling emotional from physical intimacy – Presence: the real secret to connection If you’ve ever wondered what intimacy can look like after real healing — not just surviving but connecting deeply — this one is for you.   00:00 Intro and question 00:44 How Jay saw intimacy THEN vs NOW 03:38 But it's not this... 04:06 What intimacy looks like after healing the relationship 05:35 The QUICKEST way to intimacy 07:49 Giving to give vs. GIVING TO GET 09:02 Should it be 50/50? 09:55 Did Jay ‘fake it’ at church? 13:08 Qualities of vulnerability 14:53 Now intimacy 'is just there' 17:50 The main thing: Presence Leave a comment and let us know what touched you most. Subscribe for more episodes on healing from porn addiction and betrayal trauma. -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #intimacyafterbetrayal #emotionalintimacy #rebuildingtrust #vulnerabilityheals #relationshiphealing

‘I thought intimacy was just sex—until I started recovering from porn addiction.’ In this video, Jay shares how ONE POWERFUL TOOL helped him heal our relationship, create real intimacy, and start feeling connected in a way he ‘didn’t think was possible’ when healing from his porn addiction. We also bring up a caution or two, providing guidance on how to implement this tool depending on where you are in your own healing journey. Whether you're early in your journey or years into recovery, this tool might help you bridge the distance, reconnect with your spouse, and build a deeper relationship. What we’ll cover: • How porn addiction can affect intimacy • How real intimacy is built during relationship healing • THE TOOL that helped us shift everything ➤ Subscribe for more honest conversations around addiction, recovery, and emotional healing. ➤ Leave a comment: What has intimacy looked like for you in recovery? 00:00 Intro and Question 00:19 Jay’s Answer 00:30 Introducing the tool 04:21 The "F" in FANOS 04:38 The "A" 04:58 The "N" 05:48 The "O" 06:29 The "S" 07:53 Hint for addicts trying to rebuild trust 09:25 IMPORTANT: If it's early in the process of rebuilding trust 11:41 A Warning 13:03 A way to date early on (before Phase 3) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #PornAddictionRecovery #IntimacyAfterPorn #RewiringTheBrain #MenAndIntimacy #SobrietyJourney

In this episode of the Couple Cure Podcast, we dive into the complexities of intimacy (OUTSIDE the bedroom) when Jay was in active addiction, the challenges of seeking validation, and the impact of hidden lives on self-worth. Through personal stories, we discuss the hardships faced due to perceived inadequacies, and how addiction can distort the perception of love and intimacy. We also set the stage for further exploration of what true intimacy means as they heal together in future episodes. 00:00 Intro and Question 01:24 For Jay intimacy looked like (The Problem) 02:15 What Jay was seeking 02:50 How Lori was already giving it 05:01 The REAL reason "Lori didn't affirm me!" 06:09 Why Jay could not believe Lori's words 10:55 Some MESSED UP THINKING 17:19 Another "Intimacy" Jay was addicted to -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay confesses something he’s never told anyone before: One way he lied to keep his addiction hidden. (Hint: it’s one thing some addicts do to keep their secrets.) He’s also asked if he thinks that tactic would have passed a polygraph. We also share a few techniques that might help in this situation. And stay until the end to see us in a real-life moment. Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:31 What is one lying technique Jay used that he’s never told anyone about? 2:15 Would he have passed a lie detector test? 2:50 Some other addicts do this too (the difference between openness and honesty) 4:48 Solution: A way to (possibly) know if he’s lying this way* 5:39 Solution: One way to get to the truth* 7:13 Solution for addicts: A way to rebuild trust (BUT…) 10:40 When Jay would use this lying technique 13:34 Business trips used to scare Lori, and two things that changed that sinking feeling 14:50 The lighter side of us (BTS) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode, I ask Jay if he will answer some difficult question this season—questions like: --What are some tactics he used to get away with lying for so long? --How did he pretend to change--without really changing? --Was there a time he almost told the truth, but continued lying instead? --What emotions was he avoiding? --How did he feel when his accountability partners let him off the hook? --What is one thing he wants betrayed women to know? --Could he tell his heart was hardening? But the big question is: Will he reveal his secrets? (You can even leave your own questions in the comments if you’d like.) Timestamps: 00:00 Intro 01:24 Some hard questions for Jay 04:40 Will Jay share his secrets this season? 05:43 Your comments / questions 06:51 This season may be different (behind the scenes) 07:24 A request & recent happenings -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #tellingthetruth

In this, our last episode of Season 5, we address six ways to help you find out if you’ve been given the full truth / signs he might still be lying. We also cover what pressure can do to some addicts. (A big THANK YOU to everyone who submitted questions for this season. Thank you, especially, for allowing us to be a small part of your healing journey.) Timestamps: 0:00 Intro and Viewer Question 1:05 It depends on what you’re looking for 2:21 General & ACTIVE self-deception 3:32 First: Ask for details/specifics 4:07 Second: Addicts, get curious about your own thoughts and actions 4:52 Third: Did he circle back 5:11 Forth: On staying concrete 6:49 Forth: LDTs (with some cautions and side notes) 9:26 An overall caution: this makes some addicts neurotic 10:21 Opening the door for more later ("I now know enough...") 11:44 Five: Ask what he suggests 13:39 Solution: If she can't trust you 100 percent* 14:15 Six: Things Jay learned that really helped 15:30 Something special before next season -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode of The Couple Cure, Jay tackles the question: 'How serious do I need to be about my recovery?' Using his own history and insights, he discusses the inevitable challenges and pushbacks you will face when you commit to a change, especially in the context of addiction or betrayal recovery. He emphasizes the importance of STARTING IMMEDIATELY, and understanding that obstacles will always be present. He also highlights the crucial role of certain life adjustments to stay on the path to recovery. Tune in to gain practical advice and encouragement for your own recovery journey. 00:00 Introduction & Question 00:06 Life always asks, "How serious are you?” (the first week of my diet) 01:22 The best time to quit is ALWAYS… and why 02:14 Solutions: Examples of being serious about it (for the betrayed spouse) * 03:55 The family life status quo (& other hurdles) 05:48 What needs to change? 06:29 More harm to your relationship / Expect hurdles 07:36 So how serious do you really need to be? 09:15 Solution: How to help her heal (a HUGE part of your recovery) * 10:26 If I am truly serious & final thoughts -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Summary: Rebuilding Trust through Tangible Evidence of Change after Lies In this episode, we respond to a wife’s question about the importance of seeing tangible evidence in her husband's growth process. We discuss the importance of PROACTIVE steps in behavior change, and share our own personal story after Jay had lied over 1000 times. The episode explores various ways to rebuild trust, like taking notes during counseling sessions and talking about that with the wife. It also includes several Biblical perspectives on the importance of bearing fruit as evidence of genuine repentance and change. 00:00 Intro & Question 00:35 Solution: A quick way to explain it to him* 01:07 How Jay explains it to clients / Solution: Different ways he rebuilt trust* 02:14 Marriage Counselor said, "If you had a crystal ball" 02:46 Evidence of true heart change (Saul to Paul) 03:25 On being like Thomas Edison 04:38 She will tell you... over time / Jay was too smart for his own good 05:34 Take Notes / How not doing so can impact wives 07:39 Solution: What to look for* 09:47 Why Counselors won't share his progress (& one option) 11:48 Bible says it's okay to want evidence (examples) -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode, recorded on New Year's Eve, we discuss the importance of having a solid plan to ensure your new year is better than the last. We delve into specific steps for making effective New Year's resolutions and highlight the significance of focus and new behaviors in achieving different outcomes. The episode offers guidance for addicts and their partners on formulating plans that go beyond mere intentions, and include practical action steps for accountability and sustained change. Timestamps 00:21 New Year, New You? (not without a different plan) 01:28 For the addict (look yourself in the eye) 02:01 Try a different January 02:49 Ask yourself these questions 03:31 If the answer is “No” 04:51 A FIRST STEP (a DIFFERENT starting point)* 05:23 The Critical SECOND STEP* 07:45 For the partner 08:10 The THIRD STEP 08:36 The FORTH STEP (Solution: times and tribes)* 10:25 Multi-plans 11:11 Solution: The CSI Investigation 13:23 Solution: Arrange to pay your enemy 14:20 If you still don’t reach your goals -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode, we explore how addicts truly change by focusing on the impact of experiencing true pain and loss. Divided into two parts—one for non-Christians and the other for Christians—we discuss the significance of giving up power, inspired by scripture, to become truly healed and dependent on God. With references to personal anecdotes, men’s magazines, 12-step programs, and the idea of renouncing 'boss' culture, the script emphasizes humility, acceptance of weakness, and the power of community support in the journey of recovery. The transformation journey includes practical examples and scripture, highlighting the importance of growth and moving beyond survival mechanisms to achieve true healing and integration into healthy, supportive communities. 00:00 Intro 00:43 The first way addicts change 01:21 Something else that can help 01:36 Majestic splendor 03:11 The power-over dynamic (helpless? dependent?) 04:34 What it might look like 04:59 Be the boss? 06:24 Solution regarding addictive thinking (what it looks like in practical terms) 07:47 Why the power-over dynamic might come up 08:55 Outgrowing it 09:46 Objections (but who is stronger?) 11:22 Solution: You’re on land now (returning from the war) -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

***Trigger Warning for Alcoholics in Recovery*** In this episode, Jay addresses a common question addicts may have, along the lines of, “Will I have to pay for this forever?” He answers with the truth: After trust is broken by betrayal, it depends on how well the addict owns his part in her pain… and tries to aid in her recovery. 0:00 Introduction 0:21 Other forms of this question and initial answer 0:46 She doesn’t limp (a real life example) 2:00 Jay’s words to wives 3:01 Solutions for addicts* (Note: we don’t condone hitting) 4:56 Add something to your program (the quickest way)* 6:14 Another word picture (The ICU) 7:19 Things she might say to you (any indication you’re not safe) 8:46 Why birthdays and anniversaries may be hard for her 9:40 Can she forget this? Can she move forward? -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #marriagerecovery

In this episode, we address a difficult question from a viewer about a lack of physical touch in her marriage, even while undergoing chemotherapy. We delve into the possible reasons behind her husband's behavior, including possible emotional retaliation or unresolved trauma. There is also compassionate advice on how to explore personal needs and desires, and questions to ask as you seek the right guidance to make informed decisions about the future, while we also emphasiz the importance of understanding misinterpretations, and the critical nature of aligning actions, personal values and God’s guidance. 00:00 Introduction and Question 00:34 Ouch! (making you pay) 02:20 When he needs a licensed therapist 03:12 Solution: If you DID hurt him… but (one big caveat)* 04:28 Real life examples 05:57 When his bad side comes out (one extreme example) 07:01 Solution: How to decide your next step* 09:06 Look at what he IS doing 09:46 Solution: What is God saying (and if your gut instinct isn’t in alignment)* 11:39 This might be a workable situation (unless he makes you pay elsewhere too) 13:02 He doesn’t know how to take ownership 14:03 Solution: The REAL problem of misunderstandings 15:36 Conclusion and Wrap-Up -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

If you have ever been called a Drama Queen, this episode may help heal the sting of that label. But first, Jay and Lori tackle the issue of being flooded with bad memories right as you get close to forgiving him—even if your relationship has healed the broken trust. TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro & Question 0:52 Forgiving unrepentance? 1:41 Guys, if someone is against you… 2:35 Solution: Do these things proactively 3:25 Staying near him? 4:18 Intrusive Thoughts 5:05 Like-minded women 6:05 “But she has to forgive me” (A Solution) 6:58 Why intrusive thoughts remain (a question to ask) 7:58 Unsure of your response? 8:32 Is he sure he can stay sober? (his childhood) 9:53 When peace can trigger us 11:49 The “Drama Queen” label -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

***Trigger Warning: Given the sensitive nature of this topic, please proceed cautiously.*** Jay and Lori tackle the struggle of not feeling physically desired by the husband. They explore the intricate dynamics of femininity, desire, and physical appearance within a marriage. The discussion delves into misconceptions about desire versus lust. Lori shares her personal journey of reclaiming her own femininity, and how it started with unlikely sources. The episode also addresses the risks of a guy who only stays on the surface, encouraging listeners to cultivate confidence, while building a relationship where desire is communicated. Timestamps 00:00 Introduction, (deeply vulnerable) question & the 3 issues we’ll address 01:11 Addicts are surprisingly prudish (one solution)* 04:00 Traditionally gorgeous women are cheated on (his looks) 05:42 Society confuses desire all the time (the part in us screaming to be desired) 08:08 Solution: Femininity and how I reclaimed mine* 09:16 What my Counselor said about arm-candy 10:39 Healing on our Saturday Dates (with other men?)* 13:14 It’s usually about “novelty” (… or his maturity) 15:26 Appealing to THAT side of men 16:20 Changing the conversation where desire = lust (solution: what helped Jay) 17:11 Becoming addicted to your wife 18:00 Generalized vs Specialized Sexuality (fetishes vs “I really like her!”)* -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice