The Voice of Reason, with Tugboat Calhoun

Tugboat tells the Tuggernauts where he's been for the last year (hint, the Post Office and in the basement of a pizzeria), his psychic support, and learning everything about FEMA in hopes of becoming a FEMA Camp Director despite his felonious record.  Tugboat announces a 55 year old Florida woman as the hero of the episode for her bravery and willingness to continue to hide evidence in front of police despite their direction to stop.  Tugboat then answers questions about: outlawing speech, books, boys wearing lipstick, steak, President Trump, and careers at the zoo.  Tugboat reports on a nude beach in Vermont under threat from a rare instance of development.  Lastly, Tugboat reports on stories from around the world such as: a man being harpooned nine times after being mistaken for a shark, a street performer being beaten bloody with his own hula-hoop on a NYC train, and a kung-fu master dragging a helicopter using an interesting part of his body as the anchor.

Tugboat delivers some very important werewolf safety information, and some other related Autumn safety tips.

Tugboat has a diva moment and resents that the Tuggernauts want to "pry into his life" and know where he's been.  As it turns out, he was shot at a political rally and then turned to cat nip for life saving first aid.  Tugboat learned that NYC has allowed public urination while "in hospital", and is upset that they stopped short of allowing legal public defecation...and then fantasizes about being a private security guard abusing his authority with a tazer.  Tugboat is also offended by the names of rivers named after French fur traders, obviously due to his beaver heritage.  An unnamed man who crashed into a Florida business while attempting to time travel is the hero of the week; juxtaposed by the victim of the week who are also unnamed and had been reported to police for having "challenged teens to a rap battle". Tugboat answers questions about: what to do when impregnated by a TuggerBrit, what to do when Grandma eats your pet shrimp, David Bowie's death, getting trapped in a laundry shoot, being accepted to college, being grateful to your mother, money, the Supreme Court, dentistry, celebrity baby names, Erich von Daniken, a lazy puppy, wedding night activity, chicken, the management style of warblers.  Tugboat has lots to talk about in the "Voice of Vermont" segment, including: a large crowd sleeping on the ground in Burlington, people doing stuff to horses, a poetry competition, contaminated drinking water, salamander underpasses, and stolen maple syrup.  Tugboat then reports on the stories that you really want to know about, such as the following: a woman who killed her boyfriend over a video game, a hooker caught in the act by a drone, a beaver holding a man hostage, a Junior High anti-vegetarian hate crime, and young people being in favor of restrictions on free speech.  

WCPT is testing yet another show format, and Tugboat shines. The show begins with Tugboat reading a dramatic re-creation of a late night assault at a burger joint.  Tugboat then reads some hate mail, and answers questions about "pay to play", the common cold, and crossfitting.  That leads him into a lengthy discussion with his crossfit coach Alexander Dandilus.  Tugboat and "Dandy" discuss their latest workout, body hair, short-shorts, and ISIS.  Tugboat returns to answering questions and then reads several important international news stories about animals.  The first story is about donkeys mating at a Polish zoo and it goes downhill from there. 

Tugboat doesn't have any special commentary today, but he has lots of questions to answer.  Today, Tugboat addresses; filleting beef, Damascus Steel, snakes (which are clearly a call to repentance), legal prostitution, 21st birthday parties, dog attacks, general relationship advice, Gingers, college degrees (psychology is always the answer), gossiping teachers, horse diets, Washington D.C. nightclubs, chewing tobacco, Justin Beiber's cousin, intolerance, and bedroom trouble.

Tugboat opens with a commentary about the real threat to America, no not IS/ISIS/ISIL/Daesh, but Arctic air.  Tugboat calls for; the Canadians to get control of their Arctic air problem, a border fence with Canada, and the assassination of Santa Claus. Tugboat helps a Tuggernaut learn patience through self hypnosis and answers questions about; workplace scuttlebutt and cat genitalia, Illuminati eugenics, children watching adult material (and tells how he tried things he saw on Looney Tunes on his poor little brother Locomotive (ellipsis) think anvils and mules kicking people in the head), taxes (yacht related, well not really but Tugboat steers it that way), witch burning (Tugboat steers his answer to celebrating how great America is because we no longer burn women and in our modern age no women are stoned to death in America...unlike many other places on the planet), future careers in the medical field (robots and eugenics), and muffin tops.  Tugboat also discusses the Scotland independence vote and reads an article advocating for the USA to rejoin the UK. 

Tugboat begins the program by admitting that the reports are true, and he was caught red handed watching Taylor Swift's new music video "Shake It Off".  He claims it was in the name or research and that she "has no right as she has nothing to shake", and also asserts that the science is settled and the debate is over on ShakeGate2014.  Tugboat answers a question about why Vermont public schools were rated the worst for bullying by revealing that Vermont is 49th of 50 (not 57) States in the way of most affluent cities.  Tugboat also answers questions about; pretty girls (and says "there is lots of beauty to be found when the lights go out" and then references men wearing women's clothing), Ireland tourism (and called Northern Ireland "a loyalist hellhole where no tourist has ever gone") during which he talks about Dingle fudge, Canadian drivers apprentice permits (Tugboat welcomes people from all over the world to come to the US for drivers licenses), criminal trespassing, how to avoid being pinched, and the age of consent. 

Tugboat lowers himself to addressing some Facebook rabble-rousers, and then answers your questions.  While answering questions, Tugboat asserts the following; most Scots have moved to Australia, the US, and Canada, the divorce rate would go down if there was a government bureaucracy (which he volunteers to manage) that assigned spouses and approved applications to reproduce, refers to dogs and vampires as people, and takes the Lord's name in vain while talking about people not replying to texts immediately.  Enjoy the show.

Tugboat has a quick update about LeAnn Rimes, and then answers your questions.  The show is interrupted by a mid-recording question, not from but about Jasen in Texas.  After getting through that expletive laden unpleasantry, Tugboat answers your questions about; Copernicus, aftermarket exhausts, a "stud service" with a "small Yorkie" (which Tugboat mistakes as code for male prostitution), trusting birds, Joan Rivers, sharing, taxes, and the Islamic State.  Tugboat also reports on shark attacks and a dog that eats socks.

Tugboat gets down to business without any longwinded douchebaggery, for once.  Tugboat berates Jasen for defying his (Tugboat's) decision to move to Salt Lake City rather than Las Vegas in order to become a "Florist Transworld Delivery" Instructor, whatever the crap that is.  After learning about a new pig virus in Utah, Tugboat supports the move.  Tugboat then answers questions about; why people resist the Illuminati (that wasn't the question, but that's what Tugboat extracted from it), his own tattoos (and encourages Tugboat Calhoun logo tattoos), eloping, GDP, turtle suicide, mermaids, school cafeteria lunches, cats, and coconuts.

Tugboat comments on the recent hacking of celebs cell phones and the subsequent release of their sensitive photographs.  Tugboat also discusses the scandal surrounding a recent opinion poll, which he has declared invalid due to biased opinions.  Tugboat answers questions about; catching an STD from the rain, science fair projects, Idaho stereotypes, thigh chaffing, and he won't stop talking about TUGBOATCALHOUN.com. 

Tugboat has nothing personal to discuss and gets right to answering your questions.  Jasen in Texas has a question about Chuck Norris movies, Tugboat "as a chicken-necked, grovelling, pseudo, class C intellectual Illuminati apologist" is uncomfortable with masculinity and shies away from having anything to do with them.  He also takes the opportunity to thank the cosmos and praise evolution.  Tugboat then rebuffs an invitation to play Dragon City, which is just a poorly disguised ambush to get Tugboat locked up for involvement in an illegal dragon fighting ring.  Tugboat then advises a young man who was fired from his day job and must now work at nights, blankets over the window were discussed and Tugboat plugs milk.  Then Tugboat discusses cats ex change operations, and admits that his Kindergarten teacher called home to ask if a wee Tugboat was retarded.  There are lots of other questions and a story about a blue lobster.  In other news, TVoRwTC listenership has grown 274% in the last quarter, toot toot!

Tugboat breaks the news about the Great Keene Pumpkin riot, and how BearCat didn't even try to help quell the unrest.  Tugboat answers questions about; the most racist country, politicians with declined credit cards, beards, perpetual singleness, peanut allergies, and the femininity of American men.  Tugboat is pleased that this may be the first show he was not asked a question about pregnancy or dogs.  Tugboat wraps up the program by bringing you the news that you need to know, specifically, a FEMA Region 2 artist who paints scenes of his erotic encounters with aliens, and a woman not getting alimony because she lied about being a Genie. 

Tugboat breaks into the program with news about Adrian Peterson's alleged sex life.  Then, he answer questions about; Bible burning, Halloween costumes, first dates, dogs, Marx, and severely cuts himself while chopping an onion and reading a legal document.  Tugboat makes wild and possibly inaccurate assumptions after reading the headline of an article about dinosaurs, and also brings you news about; drunk pigs, midget er..."little person" strippers, and a large body starting a fire at a crematory.  

Tugboat begins the show by announcing how many millions of Americans have chlamydia (according to the CDC).  He then answers a question about Mumia Abu-Jamal, the imprisoned cop-killer who was selected over Tugboat to give the commencement speech at a Vermont college.  Tugboat naturally loses his cool over the snub, and also introduces the "Tugboatic" method of education by probing the student to answer their own question by responding to Tugboat's (verbal) prodding.  Tugboat answers a question as the result of a story of a young South American woman who had a potato growing in a sensitive area, and somehow manages to link competitive eating with conception.  Tugboat takes a break to give you a cabbage recipe, and then answers questions about; pigeons, professional wresting (which Tugboat asserts subconsciously promotes sexual violence), laughs through an innocent question about a gag reflex, Lebanese dancing (the answer involves mention of stoning and honor killing), concerts (common core math and the Preacher from Footloose are what Tugboat chooses to talk about in his answer), boyfriend troubles (lots of bleeped out words), courage (tequila), red leaves, ear herpes, and girl scouts.  Tugboat tells a joke, and then brings you the news that you need to know; a threesome that turned violent and resulted in meat throwing, a 50 year old woman arrested for throwing a beer pong party for teens, a brave cop chasing down a stolen doughnut delivery van, and a man who vandalized a football field with two teens.

Today's program is recorded live on tour at "Big Luke's Cactus Ranch" in Metro Phoenix.  Tugboat begins the program by reading a collective statement "The Margarita Declaration" from a gathering of Green groups in Venezuela, which calls for the end of capitalism.  Tugboat then announces that Louis Head is the hero of the day, for inciting a riot but not being charged for doing so...of which Tugboat is envious.  Tugboat then answers questions about; birds being fish, pizza delivery, Selena Gomez, and Christopher Columbus.  Tugboat reports that Vermont is the 9th drunkest State, new French flatulence pills, and the ancient Martians who were nuked out of existence. All this and more live from Big Luke's Cactus Ranch in Metro Phoenix.

Tugboat begins the show by talking about a recent Boko Harem massacre, and links it to a "capitalistic beef".  Today's hero is Gary McGrath, a New Hampshire man who showed "courageous restraint" by running away from a groundhog attack rather than protect his family and neighbors from the tiny beast.  Tugboat answers questions about; White America's response to the looming indictment of Officer Wilson, Disney movies, smoking pork, punishing overweight people, and racism.  Tugboat reports on patrons of a Vermont American Legion being shot by someone with a BB gun, and a dog being shot and run over.  Thusly highlighting that Vermonters hate elderly veterans and dogs, which are loved by the rest of the civilized world.  Tugboat covers a heated debate in Poland about the gender of Winnie the Pooh.  Lastly, Tugboat talks about how the European Space Agency lander has been hacked by aliens and is stealing credit card data.

Tugboat joins the club and comes out as the first pangender podcast host, mostly for attention rather than as a legitimate life event.  Of course, Tugboat uses the occasion to taunt the Tea Party.  Tugboat references his schizophrenia in his next big announcement, which is a new show format...but what else is new.  Tugboat introduces the day's hero, who was arrested for felonious maiming (he also suggested you "check your white privilege at the door" and defended American ingenuity).  Tugboat then answers questions from the Tuggernauts, aka the Proletariat, about; class warfare...even though no one asked about it, taking pictures of food(the answer involves the Feudal system and George Bush), guys who drink and smoke, forcing gun owners into quarantine (Tugboat is pro-quarantine in all situations not involving foreign diseases), and religion being the cause of all war (Tugboat makes the case for Capitalism being a religion and attack it, and also uses the opportunity to invent new definitions for already defined words), and the negative effects of pregnancy on women (Tugboat advocates that we all refrain from reproducing).  Tugboat then brings you all the current news from Vermont, which involves cheese awards and nothing else.  In the Voices from Tugger Earth segment, Tugboat discusses the plague of Antarctic sea mammal on Antarctic sea bird sex assaults.  Lastly Tugboat talks about some interesting discoveries about Uranus.  

Tugboat breaks the news that a dog running for Mayor of Oakland has lost his race, likely due to anti-dogite sentiment among voters.  Tugboat answers questions about; underwear and it's connection to racism, movies, corn and pro-choice issues, non-corn canned food, uprisings, Middle East peace, baby names, pondering the universe, global warming, invisibility, dogs and equality, and men who lie.  Tugboat then discusses and supports the succession of South Florida from regular Florida because of global warming.

Tugboat begins by reporting on a meth-fueled domestic dispute in Indiana that resulted in dog poop being thrown and broken glass being walked over, Die Hard style.  Tugboat then explains that there was a significant personnel crisis at the Calhoun wild ginseng harvest, and hints at Uncle Bob being missing (again).  As usual, cousin J.R. isn't answering his phone, leaving Tugboat, and by extension, the Tuggernauts in the dark about what's up with Uncle Bob.  Tugboat answers your questions, which are about; a female American President, racism in politics, Democrat slave owners, the color of flowers, fast food, the best town in the USA, FEMA camps, ISIS/Tea Party, STD testing, parental foreplay, dying, lying about smoking, and breaking up civilly (it includes deception and singing lines from a Meat Loaf song).  Tugboat finishes the program with stories about an embarrassing shoplifting spree and a very young sex offender.