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The Hate Napkin

The Hate Napkin

Author: The Hate Napkin

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“THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, and pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio and social media personality CARLA FROM BURNT CORN, ALABAMA.

Years ago, author Arik was sitting at the kitchen table, when he totally lost it. He started shouting all the things he hated. His roommate, Garrett, was in stitches. He recognized an opportunity to catch rage in a bottle: “Just grab a pen and start writing it all down!” So he did. Support this podcast:
91 Episodes
Welcome to the Twilight Zone, but not an interesting one. A listener shares their hate for a pet that wakes them up in the middle of the night. Arik understands, as his cat likes to act like Chevy Chase with the Christmas Tree. Arik doesn't like hairballs or the sound of choking on the carpet. Carol is experiencing hot flashes, thanks to Mother Nature. It's easier than ever to identify dumb people, and it isn't based on their educational qualifications. Arik enjoys the end pieces of bread; it feels like he's pushing a bit, and Carol wonders if he's tossing salad. Paul starts to ¨submit to the bits¨ and Carol brings out her ¨cat¨. You'll be happy when you reach the butt of this episode. Perhaps it's flea season, and Arik is pushing to be the worst podcast in the history of podcasts. Paulie realizes this is just a part-time job and goes on a rant about a company that might be an educational center in Asia. Happy Labor Day, folks, and welcome to the gig economy. Part-time jobs that feel like full-time jobs are definitely put on the top of The Hate Napkin. It looks like the end of this loaf is tainted. Let's hope there's a Season Two, folks. Happy New Year 2024! --- Support this podcast:
This episode starts with a proper promotion for our sponsor. Carol feels bad about the massive attention Burt Korn, Alabama has gotten from this podcast. Arik begins with bad driver's test questions. If you are getting a learner's permit, do you have to know the maximum weight of a vehicle for a commercial driver's license? The answer: who gives a Flying J? Additionally, if Lindsey Graham shows up in a crosswalk, do you speed up? Arik doesn't realize that he isn't the only one using a one exit shortcut. He uses it four times a day and doesn't understand why it is busy. We aren't sure if it's just the traffic being slow. This pause in rational thinking is brought to you by Come-And-Go. Glory Holes take over most of the rest of this episode. Arik helps his contractor understand why there are holes in the bathroom stalls. Beads as entryways to bathrooms have been added to The Hate Napkin. Arik hasn't thought enough about Glory Holes, and he believes Hollywood is avoiding the topic. Just when you think this episode couldn't get any dirtier, somehow sex with socks ends up on The Hate Napkin. Also, the college multipurpose go-to sock, and any sock not being used for its proper purpose, goes on the list. Send your ridiculous hate to --- Support this podcast:
Arik is all out of hate. Arik plans to lean on Carol and Paulie, who provide real estate management companies and house flippers. Carol starts with a hate letter to a doctor's office that doesn't respect their patients' time. The clinic tries to charge the patient for one missed visit. Paybacks are an itch in this punny episode of The Hate Napkin. Arik thinks people should incorporate themselves, and Carol considers incorporating her vagina since the government doesn't know how to regulate businesses. Paulie tells a similar story of how to handle an unwarranted bill. Folks, if you are in court, don't accidentally discuss your court strategy next to the plaintiff. Arik studied archeology and is tired of people referring to dinosaur stories. Arik dug hard for that one, but it will land in a few hundred years when they find a USB of this podcast under some bones near an abandoned truck stop in the year 2057. Carol goes off on trendy house flippers. They put lipstick on a pig and then call a contractor back about work the previous seller wouldn't let them do in the first place. Arik wraps it all up with people who identify themselves with one niche thing, "Hey, my name is Bill, and I have six toes. Did you know the incidence of polydactyly is 2.3 per 1000 in white males, 13.5 per 1000 in black males, and 0.6 per 1000 in white females and 11.1 per 1000 in black females?" "That's great, Bill. Now, why do you want to replace Carla's position at the Burt Korn Dairy Queen?" Send things you hate to --- Support this podcast:
Carol speaking and fielding questions from the THN crew was so much fun. Arik broke out the hot sauce and let us give it to him. Arik shared the birth of The Hate Napkin, his first girlfriend experience, and his propensity to steal from the self-checkout. He told us how he gets wood, and no one seems to want to look at it or scan it. He never stole as a child and the hot sauce defense is a new one that we may see again in a future presidential administration. Arik also shared the time he lost an arm wrestling match or "let the man win" and claims it was because he was going to shit himself. As a young student, he admitted to cheating once on his self-graded homework, but his teachers didn't believe him. Carol did her older brother's homework and, of course, was the one who got in trouble. It appears cheating has become more formalized in education, and there is no need to learn civics when cheating is ingrained. Arik then shared his experience as a sexton, being the caretaker of the church, and what an awkward walk of shame it was. He welcomes everyone into his holy places with open arms as long as the lights are on. Golden Corral and chain buffets could have their own special, but Paulie doesn't know when to let Arik end the show. Riots at Golden Corral show that people in America are way too on edge. Relax, folks, and get your angst out with things you hate at --- Support this podcast:
Carol from Kansas City shares some priceless family stories, including her superhero origin story. It involves her mom sitting on a convertible in a poodle shirt and saddle shoes, smoking a cigarette, and her dearly departed Aunt Gene immediately becoming the favorite daughter-in-law. Paulie goes first and talks about his dislike for inexperienced workers in charge of gatekeeping and hiring in Human Resources. He questions how someone with no life experience or work experience can determine whether or not you get to meet the hiring manager. Carol agrees that those who are unqualified for work often end up in HR. Arik has an American African friend and needed to let everyone know. Also, he can be a white savior to help her get past the completely racist state of South Carolina. And, he is probably right. It is one fucked up state. Paulie adds that teaching experience seems to be seen as a liability in any HR department worldwide. Carol then wonders why some customers don't understand why contractors can't work in the rain. She explains that if the roof comes off, you'll get wet. This leads Arik to discuss property management companies and their lack of knowledge in differentiating between squirrel holes, raccoon holes, and glory holes. He mentions a certain inspector named Billy Bob who may be related to either the animals or the property management company. Ultimately, no one should give a rats ass about the topics discussed on The Hate Napkin podcast. --- Support this podcast:
Carol from Kansas City is renovating her home to make life easier for the THN home office, but the sliding glass door won't stop the host from jumping in. Paulie rants about expiration dates, from cigarettes to condoms, and the entire THN crew has something personal to add. Arik's OCD mom doesn't know that Arik has been using sharpies to change expiration dates on everything from ranch dressing to black olives, or else his mom will throw the food out. Medical cabinets are sacred, but it doesn't stop all of us from looking in them. Carol's mom had Alzheimer's, so the expired blue cheese dressing may contain nails. Arik beats around the bush about an incident at the gym involving a sword fight. He tries to be more inclusive in his hate and suggests that no one engage in public sex. In the spirit of equality, Paulie invites the entire BLT community to use mixed gym locker. --- Support this podcast:
We are back from a little break, and Paulie forgot to put the show in gallery view, so a lack of visual cues brings Arik and Paul's interruptions to the top of their game. Carla starts us off with an incredible letter about a neighbor who had a problem with their yellow house. In this neighbor's absence, the house was painted gray while they were away, and now they will all end up in court. It is a whole lot of crazy. Christmas is coming, but if you have a weird neighbor, the lights have been up since July. Carla has nothing but good neighbors, but her boss is always raiding her fridge. Arik has a rant against all national anthems and wonders why we start every sporting event with a terrible song. What does the whole country have to do with a 7th-grade wrestling match? Why don't we also start festivals or every concert with such nonsense? The Toronto Gay Men's Choir gets us all into the penalty box. Culture wars should have already been on the napkin, and this is why we don't do religion or politics. Carla almost put Arik and Paul on the napkin, but 'tis the season to end it nice with a red Corvette for the boss. --- Support this podcast:
This episode focuses on Carla from Burt Korn, who reveals that she is not who she appears to be. While it was intended to be an episode about Carla being Carol, Arik and Paul mistakenly think they are on an 80s episode of the Stern Show. Carol handles the situation gracefully, mentioning her past success on a podcast. She comes clean and shares her favorite curse words, color, and preferred drug from her younger days. Somehow, this segues into a discussion about tampons or pads, and Carol demonstrates the power of silence. We also learn more about our co-host, Arik, who carries Andy's Mint wrappers in case of an unexpected shart. Carla has wisdom to share, she has been in a committed relationship with the same farmer for 24 years, as they have separate homes and lives. Amidst the attention-seeking antics of two middle-aged men, Carla finally gets a chance to speak. There isn't much to hate this episode, other than individuals who are loud and wrong, and maybe cabinet door corners and sandals with socks. --- Support this podcast:
In this episode of complete nonsense, five people will listen to The Hate Napkin as it explores turning the clocks back by sexualizing female backs or demanding that your wife not make food. Either way, this middle-aged whining is brought to you by Come And Go. And what would be a middle-aged podcast without talking about Irish time and mentioning drinking? Our middle-aged white men jump in with comments that, if we had any listeners, would get this podcast canceled. Bali from Paulie discusses ballpoint pens and YouTubers exploiting locals in poor countries. Arik goes off on people on nature paths who are on their phones and has similar issues on escalators. Today's episode feels more like a collection of pet peeves than hatred. Carla gets irritated about Arik being wrong and Paulie mansplains it. Arik promises that she can talk in the next episode, and spoiler alert, Carla gets to speak in episode 81. --- Support this podcast:
I listen to these at 1.5X while I write the synopsis and it is surprisingly more listenable. Karen writes in about being a Karen. Carla is not having it. If she has a catch phrase, it is "Bite my ass!". Arik doesn't like Adolfs or monkeys in diapers. This brings us to tiny dogs shitting in strollers. There are better POS promotions, folks.    Arik briefly hates old age because he is putting his glasses in his shoes, forgetting about them and wants to bring back record collections. Every senior should familiar themselves with the Bristol Scale because old people complaining is the pile of poop this whole show is about. Poor Carla has given up trying to get us to stop talking about poop and embraces this episode like a safety bar in the wheelchair access stall. Enjoy.    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
This one almost didn't make the cut folks. It starts on a high horse. War Movies, Sniper Movies and Bad Trash Collectors make The Hate Napkin. Carla from Burt Korn has a good neighbor who brings her garbage to the city government who refused her refuse in the first place. Fortune Cookies are delightful, and for some reason it is a bit on a show that is supposed to be a show about hate. The sound guy dumps on the first ever planned bit, and Carla calls what it is, a Hangry moment. Arik is happy Paulie is at the kids table and Arik makes an unfounded claim that no one wears black caps. He's being a real pair of Hanes, but at least this one is short. --- Support this podcast:
One of our only listeners remembers the days when you plugged in a printer and it worked. Now he is downloading an updated printer application, syncing his life history and sharing his printing habits with Big Tech and the Illuminati. And the printer still doesn't work. The audio engineer is lit up like a flashing service button and proceeds to unload on all things in the Monopoly game of The Internet Of Things. Public nose-picking some how dogged The Hate Napkin like an elusive burger in the corner of your nose canal, and it finally makes the napkin instead of being flicked on the wall. Carla shares things can get much worse inside cars when people think they are invisible and even more disgusting when the heat of a frialator seeps inside your drive-thru service crotch area. Don't smell the bag or take it, and The Hate Napkin is open 24/7 thanks to the depths humanity's fingers are willing to go.    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
We are off to a punny start. You can't make an omelet with out cracking a few Elon jokes. Arik wants to be impaled in the mountains and this brings us to Mouse Viagra. Fortunately, his daughter saves us from kickstand puns, and not everything is a metaphor for sex says he who ends every episode in the annals. Vegetation can get snagged when erect and we are still one foot into last episode. Arik wants to go with the flow until his daughter takes over. The meat-eaters hate vegans, and then they go into men's lack of maturity. Daddy is embarrassing his daughter with fitness weight loss pics, but it sounds like she may be a little proud of him. However, enough with the crack around the house. --- Support this podcast:
Welcome to the worst rated podcast. Carla starts us off in the penalty box. Folks, we don't do religion or politics. However, poop and pee are always on the coffee table. Was that a whataboutism? Guns are penis extensions, for the record. Arik is worried about some random dude who went from the stall to the urinal. This leads to the lack of handwashing and Carla has washed her hands of it. Arik is in rare form and callbacks become bot-automatic. Fake like or subscribe as all we got are Nicki and Robert.    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show with a sign language howdy-doody Avignon feathered-finger salute. And they’re off! Co-host Arik is lost at sea seething. He’s annoyed by the tamper-proof liners on food containers. For some reason, he thinks they need to remain on the product as some sort of freshener/crisper. He jumps for joy when he realizes he’s been wrong all these years: “They can just be tossed? No more nasty foil prophylactic on my food? I can’t wait to start rough riding the fridge!” THN PSA: Carla swoops in with a reminder that it is also perfectly legal to remove the tags from your mattresses. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali pushes forward to the front of the lambast line: “I hate 5 wipers.” Um, we’re just going to let that one drop. Except, this is The Hate Napkin. We never let anything go. Before you know it, we’re chatting about elephants going potty on National Geo documentaries. Then, the age-old debate: Baby Wipes or Bidets? What’s not to love—I mean, hate? Carla’s war with Burnt Korn Waste Management continues. This week, the garbagemen refused to collect her trash—whereupon, a large wind blew her trash into the street. Whereupon, Burnt Korn’s finest arrived to her residence to interrogate her about said trash in the street. Whereupon, Carla was required to produce video evidence of the garbage truck skipping her house. Whereupon, the street was temporarily closed by said police, and the garbage folks were required to walk about, picking up the mess. Whereupon, justice! Finally, Arik is tired of gym attire. “Listen, I don’t want to see your nipples and side boobs in the corner of my eye while I’m bench-pressing. I mean, if you’re a man.” p.s. Moose Knuckles. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Happy New Year!    The calendar begins anew—as does our hate. After all, who doesn’t feel like pulling hair from their pate after listening to drunk revelers quack out “Auld Lang Syne” over and over?    Hey, how come Sound Engineer Pauly from Bali keeps playing with his mike head? What’s wrong with the big fat tip of your mike? Pauly, why are you rubbing your mike cap with your hand like two ocean bed tubers making out?    This just in! The Hate Napkin has reached Top 50 Podcast Status in the Mid-Atlantic Region Among the Middle School Male Demographic!    Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Mailbag and produces a klepto-Xmas gift exchange lamentation that’s enough to reduce the Grinch to tears. No, seriously, if there was ever a reason for a mother-in-law to get run over by a reindeer, this anonymous listener has one!    Co-host Arik is tired of being a “girlfriend with a dick” to all the women he’s interested in. Actually, he admits, he has no one to blame but himself—which kind of means he hates himself. “Finally!” Pauly weighs in. “Something we can all agree on!”     Needless to say, Arik doesn’t stop there. Apparently the trade-off for sobriety are more boring “daddy but no sugar” dating stories by our waxing-long co-host.    Carla hasn’t gone to sleep since last year—due to the hellfire of last night’s private fireworks displays in Burnt Korn, where, authorities are reporting, only two percent of the adult population this year lost digits due to holiday idiocy. That’s down several percentage points from the previous New Year’s.    Finally, Pauly spends the rest of the episode ranting about Google. He recently quit all-things Google for blah-blah-blah reasons. Who knows? Maybe he’s got a legitimate beef about Big Tech.     Meanwhile, you can listen to The Hate Napkin on all popular podcast websites and apps, including Google Podcasts!    THN PSA: “Calves don’t come out of anuses.”    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 72 SYNOPSIS    The Gratuitous Ghost of Gilbert Gottfried Returns    Folks, it’s a “smoke a cigarette afterwards” cool-as-a-cucumber kind of episode.    Co-host Arik opens the show with something nice to say about his current state of residence, South Carolina: “Well, at least it’s not the Pacific Garbage Patch.”     Then again, he could be stuck in Burnt Korn, Alabama, with our special guest, Carla. Things in Alabama are so bad, all the color has been sucked out. (Check it out on YouTube!)    Usually sound engineer Seaman Drains—I mean, Pauly from Bali—gets the hate sloppy seconds, but he kicks off the show with a tale of his recent trip to Florida to visit his ill father. The family decided to have a movie night—EXCEPT no one considered the fact that ailing pops might not be in the mood, with all his children and grandchildren gathered about, to watch a graphic sex scene.     “Haven’t we reached the point, where if you need to watch two or more people getting it on, just go surf some porn? It’s time to eliminate ‘squeal like a pig’ ass spanking from Hollywood. I mean, this scene was in a period piece!”    Not that we’re prudes, but what’s the NC-17 rating for, if not for a period piece film that shows an anal rape scene over and over from every character’s point of view?    Meanwhile, Arik discusses the difference between bestiaries and bestiality, while Pauly spends a half hour downloading a photo Carla wants to share. Boy oh boy, this is one photo worth the wait:    “DO NOT CLICK BUTTONS WITH GENITALIA.”    Tune in to find out more! (Cameras are watching.)    Leave a voicemail of something you hate:    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 71 SYNOPSIS    Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog    Just remember: We’re professional haters. Don’t try this at home.     Also, we might be “sniggling, small, solace-less creatures,” but we’re the experts you come to in a loathing pinch. Then again, some listeners are a little less than satisfied with the services we offer. “If I saw you in person, I would slap your vain, self-absorbed faces. F off and die, you complete and total—!”    Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is quick to note that at least you can’t attach a pipe bomb to fan mail.    Sound engineer Pauly from Bali gets us back on track with a happy memory, of sorts. A few years back, when his dear madre had her colon removed, he hired Bubbles the Clown to show up in the hospital and hand out colorectal balloons to all the patients on the floor. Folks, hate or love, it’s all in the delivery.    Speaking of colons… Co-host Arik has a beef with the English language: “People need to stop using the word FOR so loosely.” He points to a local hospital butterfly release event “FOR” colon cancer. “Why can’t we just say butterflies AGAINST colon cancer. And I have to wonder about holding insects against their will so that their beauty can bring awareness to a diseased human orifice.”    Also, it’s Pauly’s birthday. He’s sick and tired of birthday cake. “It’s cake FOR colon cancer. And I don’t want anal cancer for my birthday, thank you. Honestly, can’t we think of anything better to stick a lit candle in to celebrate me?”    Eventually, Team THN gets to the heart of the matter. Here’s the deal. It’s SOMEONE ELSE’S birthday. So why not ask Diabetic Dan if there’s a treat he would like to celebrate this special moment that won’t land him in a hospital with Bubbles the Colectomy Clown trying to extract a lodestone of icing from his GI tract.     Finally, Arik ponders the mysteries of modern medicine. “Isn’t the colon a hole? I mean, how does one remove a hole?”    Carla heads online: “Here, I found a YouTube DIY video. Apparently all you need is some balloons, heavy cream and a world-class health insurance plan.”    Leave a voicemail of something you hate:    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 70 SYNOPSIS    The WAP Café—Plus, Carla’s Pussy Stalks a Stinger!    Co-host Arik poses the following question: “Can’t we all agree that an igloo is a pretty stupid place to put a glory hole?”    Folks, it’s all downhill from there.    Arik’s credit card was recently used fraudulently for a membership to an Innuit porn site. In order to make a fraud report with the bank, he had to wait on-hold for 30 minutes to the hair-pulling-annoying background sound of marimba music—only to be ultimately informed that the department was closed for the day. “By the end, I was ready to suffocate cancer babies!”    Sound engineer Pauly from Bali has also been under aural attack, of late. Every time he goes into a quiet café in Ho Chi Minh City, the polite, hospitality-minded foreigners blast loud American music in an effort to make him feel at home. “It’s annoying as hell, but what’s funny is when they play these raunchy sex rap songs, totally ignorant of the lyrics. ‘You like?’ ‘Yes, yes, I just LOVE wet ass pussy!’”    Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with airline in-flight rage. This week, a passenger attacked a flight attendant for the refusal to use a first-class bathroom. Of course, the irony is that said assailant had to spend the rest of the flight zip-tied and duct-taped to his seat, yet still needed to go number two.    Arik’s solution: “Sir, if you don’t like our policy, we invite you to open up the emergency exit door and leave. But, seriously, I think everyone would calm down a bit if flight attendants just started showing a bit more cleavage. This applies to the men, too. Show off that chest hair, boys. And, pilots, why don’t you come on out halfway through the flight and put on a little Chippendales show.”    Also, Carla recounts an encounter with a racist couple on a former flight. And Arik shares why he’ll never fly Haitian Air again: “There’s nothing quite like the sound of a plane engine stopping when all you can see out the window is ocean.”    Finally, Carla’s pussy tracks a stinger!    Leave a voicemail of something you hate:    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
Flushing Andy Rooney’s Bleeding Fuzzy Wuzzies    Hey, folks! Somehow the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation made it all the way to Episode 69 without getting cancelled! And how should we celebrate Magic 69? Why, with a little upside-down, titillating, tongue-tingling hate, of course!    Christmas came early this year for our special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama. Our super fan, Inga from Germany, sent Carla an amazing coffee mug: “SORRY FOR HAVING FABULOUS TA-TAS AND BEING RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING—AS IF THAT’S MY FAULT.”    Now, reaching into the THN hate mailbag. Ah, the “Sovereign Citizen,” that Unabomber wannabe dope, invariably named Leroy, who lives just down the street from everyone, who thinks all laws derive from a clay tablet stuck up Charlamagne’s ass, and who makes it impossible for anyone within his vicinity to lead a normal life. Thanks, Ryan from Rural Ohio, for asking our advice on the matter. Well, as summary execution isn’t really an option, we recommend hating Leroy with all your big, wide Midwestern heart.    Co-host Arik is in the midst of an epic Health Recovery Journey. He’s lost nearly 70 pounds the past few months. That said, there are a few things worthy of hatred at the nearby gym. Number one, do NOT use the hand drier to dry off your sweaty junk. Yes, that happens. Two: do NOT pop your zits at the communal sink. Three: Do NOT leave a manscaping suicide blood trail from the shower to the locker.    Then, of course, there’s the Sovereign Citizen take on the matter. “According to King Arthur common law, if you’re so fat that your panus covers your genitalia, you don’t even need to wear shorts in the weight room.”    Finally, Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of poor toilet etiquette. “People, follow the Tidy Bowl Golden Rule! Deuce unto others as you would have others deuce unto you.”    Leave a voicemail of something you hate:    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
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