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The Hate Napkin

The Hate Napkin

Author: The Hate Napkin

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“THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS, and sound engineer PAULY FROM BALI. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio and social media personality CARLA FROM BURNT CORN, ALABAMA.

Years ago, author Arik was sitting at the kitchen table, when he totally lost it. He started shouting all the things he hated. His roommate, Garrett, was in stitches. He recognized an opportunity to catch rage in a bottle: “Just grab a pen and start writing it all down!” So he did. Support this podcast:
71 Episodes
Pedophiles Who Read Banned Books, Plus Fake Monk Fundies!    Breaking news! The Hate Napkin is now the antepenultimate worst-rated podcast in the nation! Folks, you really have to aim high to be this low.    Co-host Arik leads off the show with his hatred of Phone Lingerers—people who don’t hang up the phone when the call is done, hoping they’ll catch you saying something nasty or whiny about them to yourself. Now when he catches a Phone Lingerer, he either farts into the receiver or thinks of the worst possible thing he can think to say: “I’ll bet their mom listens to The Hate Napkin.”    Next, the sounds of self-love. Can’t sleep at night? Subscribe to our new circle jerk white noise channel: “The Master Baiters”! {grunt, grunt, whack}    While we’re on the subject: harkening back to the dearth of No. 2 scenes in Hollywood productions, self-love is also a normal human behavior rarely covered in box office cinema. Ghostbusters, The Notebook, Gone with the Wind, Aladdin. How come no one ever takes a cinematic solo carpet ride?    Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is feeling depressed. No one ever likes the things he hates. So, going forward, he’s going to preface his list with “Pedophiles who.” As in: Pedophiles who squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Or: Pedophiles who leave just one spoonful of ice cream in the carton.     Pauly is also sick and tired of fake monks and serial killers who like wallpaper. Folks, our sound engineer appears to have lost his mind. But please no one stop him. It’s too much fun to watch a man completely unravel in front of the microphone.    Arik is fed up with Public Plant Bukkake! “Every spring and fall, I go outside, and the entire world is covered in plant sperm! It’s gross, it’s indecent! Plant gametes inside my ears, my nose, my mouth. Someone has to do something about all these plants mating openly in public!”    Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, has a suggestion that lands her squarely in the THN No-Politics Penalty Box: “Why don’t the Republicans just round up all the plants, rent a bus and drop them off in Martha’s Vineyard?”    Finally: Fundies for everyone! (Even fake monks.)    Leave a voicemail of something you hate:    Support this podcast:    See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
The show begins with co-host Arik being smothered by a pussy. Then special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, lets us know she “no habla b@llshit.” Plus, sound engineer Pauly from Bali gives us a live demonstration of motorboating. Where can we go from there? Up, up, up! North to Canadia! Canada has a reputation for niceness, but it seems to have balled up all of its wickedness in one single, annoying fowl creature: the Goose of its namesake. “As it turns out, Canadian geese and people have a lot in common. They’re obstinate, they won’t go away, they crap on everything, they’re mean, they’re bullies. And you could drive your car right through a flock of them, and they’ll just stand there, ‘I dare you, motherf@cker. The feds are on our side.’” Which is all fine and good. But now we can all hate Arik for providing a detailed natural history of the damn species. HONK! HONK! HONK! SHUT UP! Next, Carla’s work van was recently stolen. Well, the police located the vehicle, so Carla headed down to the impound lot to get it back. Turns out, the white female perp who stole the vehicle got off scot-free, as she claims that Carla let her have the vehicle. The police just shrugged their shoulders: “It’s a she said versus she said situation.” Carla: “So, I get the van back, and it looks like Arik’s geese have had an orgy in it. Laundry. Trash. Food everywhere. The panels and console are ripped off. I drive it to the office, and along the way, it occurs to me that I could possibly get in trouble if I get pulled over and an officer happens to discover all the drug paraphernalia sitting in the passenger seat.” Way to go, coppers, for not noticing the pot buds and crack pipes when you arrested the grand auto thief! Thank God there’s no such thing as white privilege down in Burnt Korn! Also: “That’s Hispanic-Latino! You have no idea if that hand is actually from Mexico!” Tune in to find out more. And, finally: nothing “taints” an episode worse than Pauly. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 66 SYNOPSIS Straw Bangers & the Art of the Telephonic Poo Welcome to Episode 58 of The Hate Napkin! Um, excuse me, this is actually Episode 66. No, it’s not. It’s a recovery episode. We lost 58, so we’re redoing it. Um, Episode 58 is already posted actually. It’s titled “Slim Jims for Everyone!” Well, I’ll be damned. Anyway, special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show: “I can’t stand it when people call me when they’re taking a crap.” The THN Boys are all about the art of the telephonic poo. As co-host Arik explains, the real secret is finding a subject that the person on the other line will gab endlessly about. They’ll be so fixated on their own words that they won’t even notice the kerplunk sounds on the other end of the line. “The problem is when you accidentally emit a cacophonous fart—which normally would be okay, but the bathroom echo effect is a dead giveaway you’re on the pot.” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali establishes basic Crapper Phone Etiquette. Text messages on the john are fine. Voice calls are a no, however. FaceTime calls should lead to capital punishment. Arik shares a brilliant hate solution via his Uber Eats driver friend, Harold: Yeah, we all can’t stand it when the McDonald’s shake machine breaks down. In fact, we’ve come to expect it. But what’s really the pits is that fast food places haven’t created a system to communicate this fact to you in advance: “Do we really need to wait in line in our car for a half-hour simply to be told that you’re out of shakes or fries or buns of whatever. All of these places have flagpoles—how about running ‘we’re out of this item’ flags up the pole to notify customers in advance?” Genius! On a related note, Carla recently ordered a meal from Arby’s via DoorDash. The delivery driver warned her not to drink the shake due to the condition of the lid—which, she noticed, had been crushed somehow. The driver shared that the fast food worker even admitted he had stepped on the lid, but refused to replace it with a new one. Arby’s: R.B.: “Real Bad” service. Keeping the service industry ball a bouncin’, Arik recently encountered a waiter who was relieved to get his biggest restaurant pet peeve off his chest: “I can’t stand it when customers bang straws on the table to take them out of the paper wrapper! Just rip the paper! Stop banging straws! It makes me want to kill babies!” Pauly concludes our foody hate with a Southeast Asia spiel on Minute Maid Teppy, Coca-Cola’s latest attempt to ruin a cottage industry. All across Vietnam, one can find kiosks with affordable fresh-squeezed orange juice. Yet who needs a fresh, affordable drink when one can have expensive, godawful high fructose corn syrup dribbled atop orange pulp! And, not hard to believe, Coca-Cola sets up their own stands of tepid Teppy right next to the old ladies trying eke out a fresh-squeezed living. Finally, Carla’s pussy matches the drapes! Plus, what does she keep in her drawers! Tune in to find out more! Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 65 SYNOPSIS  BALACLAVAS, BABY WIPES AND 500 MEXICAN DOLLARS  Team THN welcomes a new advertiser to the show: Men’ Vodka! “When the bathtub dries up, there’s always Men’!”  What can we say? In life, things can always get worse. And this episode is definitely worse.  Well, it sure ain’t the fault of our super special guest. Team THN is joined once again by none other than America’s Liberal Voice, Robyn Kincaid, from The H.O.R.N. (Head-On Radio Network)!  Catch Robyn as the host of The H.O.R.N. over at:  Technically, there is a co-host for this show. His name is Arik. As he inches ever nearer to certain death, or rehab, a nasty frog settles into his throat. He pushes through the pain and reads “Mr. Stanky,” an excerpt from his latest book, “Uber Nights” (available on Amazon).  Sound engineer Pauly from Bali accompanies—if you can call it that—on guitar.  Our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, saves the day with some express hatred of public bathrooms in Mexico. What can one do actually with one single square of toilet paper that one has to pay for the privilege to have and use?  Also, Carla shares her story of being pulled over and bribed by Mexican federales. When a cop in a balaclava demands $500, you might just be able to buy him off with a suitcase of baby wipes.   Finally, Arik throws his life onto the Hate Napkin. We can’t agree more.  Leave a voicemail of something you hate:  Support this podcast:  See all episodes:  --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 64 SYNOPSIS A SO-CALLED BUCKET PUDDIN’ OF A SHOW As our so-called co-host Arik nears the oceanic depths of his midlife crisis, Team THN is joined by none other than America’s Liberal Voice, Robyn Kincaid, from The H.O.R.N. (Head-On Radio Network)! Catch Robyn as the host of The H.O.R.N. over at: Robyn has had it up to her lovely golden curls with the term “so-called”—as in “so-called” gender affirming care. There’s nothing “so-called” about a term expressly coined by the medical community! Hey, Bertha, how’s your “so-called” colorectal cancer? Jenna, how’s that “so-called” pregnancy coming along? Dammit, doc, can you please do something about my “so-called” sciatic nerve pain? Meanwhile, our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is willing to risk the THN penalty box to rant about televangelists begging for funds to pay for a second jet to help the struggling ministry—especially when said ad interrupts her perfectly delightful viewing of Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”! Robyn: “If that ain’t something to make you want to use the term ‘bucket pudding,’ well then I don’t know what can.” Robyn is also blindly beside herself about The Great Saltine Shortage of 2022! Somehow, COVID-related supply chain issues have single-handedly destroyed the Cracker Industry. Carla: “I don’t know about that. I live in Alabama, and there seem to be plenty of crackers crawling out of the woodworks around here.” Finally, sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s profound, frat house party thoughts on The Last Supper. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
EPISODE 63 SYNOPSIS YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS Co-host Arik asks Team THN, “What exactly does it mean when a dude gets his manhood cut off?” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “When a woman gets a job instead of a man, or when a woman gets paid the same as a man.” “Hmm,” says special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, who reaches for a machete and proceeds to cut off Pauly’s manhood. The news is hard to swallow, but Pauly cannot stand almond milk. Almonds aren’t mammals. Almonds don’t have teats. And, most importantly, you cannot motorboat an almond. (Also, the creation of almond milk is bad for the environment. And we feel especially bad for the migrant workers who have to squeeze the damn tiny things all day long.) Meanwhile, Arik despises dumb-themed T-shirts. A cartoon avocado defecating guacamole is not silk screen worthy. A Slim Jim T-shirt, on the other hand, is cool. “Truth is, we need a Judge Dredd for dumb T-shirts. Anyone wearing a ‘World’s Best Dad’ shirt should just be cut down right in front of his children.” Next, the hate ball bounces from the games women play when you’re courting them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (DIAL 988 in a dumb T-shirt crisis, folks!) Finally, Pauly is sick and tired of hearing everywhere you turn: DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Recently lost your manhood? DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Wanna buy a stupid T-shirt? DOWNLOAD OUR APP? About to kill yourself? DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS Welcome to naked hate! No, literally. Co-host Arik shows up in his birthday suit. Dude, stop grabbing your mike. Great gag. Now can someone please tell him this is a podcast? First up! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reads a totally forgettable listener letter from someone in Indiana whose name is just as easily forgotten—upon which, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is quick to declare that he detests Indiana. Arik agrees. Indiana: Even God hates Hoosiers. Meanwhile, Carla is enjoying retirement. She spends most of her days yelling at young men to stay off her lawn. The boys are curious. Is her lawn bushy? Well-trimmed? “Sorry, boys, when you’re this old, all the hedges die.” Arik: “Saves money on Brazilians.” Carla: “How many is a Brazilian?” Moving right along. Cock. Dick. Schlong. Wang. There are so many wonderful nicknames for the male genitalia. And also for the female hoo-ha too. But who the hell came up with the medical terms “penis” and “vagina” in the first place? Could there be two worse words for everyone’s favorite skin toys? Team THN determines to rename them both. From now on, boys have spikes and girls have pumas. Except Pauly—Pauly has a nub. Pauly is also sitting in a restaurant at a table with an uneven table leg. “I came in here to spend money, to relax—and it turns out that this place is just as unstable as my job, my marriage, my friendships—and everything else in my GD life!” Finally, Carla hates food smackers. How damn hard is it to eat with your mouth closed? Agreed. Ladies and gentlemen, in the future, when you’re eating wieners, kindly keep your lips sealed. THN PSA: “Hate. It’s the most American thing we can do.” Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN And the THN Tony Award goes to Colin from Los Angeles, with an epic Hate Letter! Everyone hates Clock Suckers—you know, those mid-level managers who walk around the office with a clipboard, pretending to be busy while everyone else grinds it out for a living.  Colin’s tale of Clock Sucker revenge is one for the Podcast Hall of Fame! Next, the show takes an adult entertainment turn, as special guest, and resident finger gesticulation expert, Jordyn, shows off her toys that make noise. Wait, what’s that? Oh! Children’s sound-making toys? Um, totally different. True, there’s nothing worse than being jarred awake at 2 a.m. by a blue toy Mustang programmed to play “Bat Out of Hell.”Now, back to the “other” toys that make noise.  Try as we may, we find it hard to hate battery-powered dildos programmed to moan at the push of a button. Actually, this could be a great educational tool for men—they need sound effects and directions. As special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, puts it: “If I put fucking road signs down there, men couldn’t read them.” Co-host Arik considers other possible road signs: “CAUTION. CERVIX AHEAD. DEAD END.” Carla again: “Nah. How about a button women can push where men care about something other than themselves!” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “I have a feeling that button is very close to that other little button men have a hard time finding. ”Next, can’t we just let troubled celebrities die in peace?  A “moving” tribute to Anne Heche. Ellen is now with Portia, but Anne died in a Mini Cooper. Sigh.  THN QOTD: “My whole life has been a cleanup on Aisle 5.” ------ Leave a voicemail of something you hate:  Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Most folks buy a house on a pond, kick back on the porch, and throw back a hard lemonade or two. But for co-host Arik, the high life only seems to serve as a launchpad for a midlife crisis of epic proportions. He can’t wait to take on bully birds, Big Telecom, plus the Dude Behind the Curtain. No, not George Soros.  We mean The Big Kahuna with lightning bolts who sits idly by as all Creation, from humanity to ducks, unleashes untold cruelty upon one another. It’s enough to send the rest of Team THN scrambling for emergency Dilly Bars. As sound engineer Pauly from Bali puts it: “Has anyone seen my roll of duct tape?” T-Mobile is the first Goliath to fall. Who could stand to work in a place more than five minutes that’s lit up bright pink like a porn star vajayjay? Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, has mixed feelings: “I don’t know, place should be brown-lit, considering how many turd employees I’ve had to deal with in there over time.” Meanwhile, Pauly can’t stand employers who demonstrate a lack of trust even before they hire you. By the way, what’s wrong with asking a prospective employee for references?  Excuse me, can I get a letter of recommendation from Bob in Accounting with some details about your sick leave policy? Plus, Carla can’t stand it when people email or text with a demand for an immediate answer, then ignore you when you do. (Kind of reminds Arik of a starving village praying for a drought to end. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Africa!”)  THN PSA: “The Universe is going to fail you constantly. The vast majority of people are also going to fail you constantly. So if you happen to have a lifeline in this tenuous existence: DO. NOT. TAKE. IT. FOR. GRANTED.” Happy, happy, joy, joy! See you next Tuesday! Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates the season as only they can. --- Support this podcast:
The THN Team revisits an old classic: poop scenes in cinema and television. Tip of the cap to the writers and cast of “Parks and Recreation,” including especially Chris Pratt, for the ol’ “marker that won’t stop” bit. Co-host Arik couldn’t agree more: There is nothing more frustrating than when the turtle won’t go back in the shell. As sound engineer Pauly from Bali puts it: “Thank you for keeping the ‘movement’ alive.” Also, thus ensues another THN roundtable discussion on the lack of bidets in the United States. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is tired of friendships that become hostage situations. We’re all adults here. Stop concern trolling! And maybe stop holding your gifts and generosity over my head. Also, this pile of ashes is all that’s left of the book you sent me: “Mistakes Were Made, But Not by Me.” Best decision I made all week was lighting that fire and globally blocking you. Next, Pauly from Bali’s epic “Guide to Bringing Back Human Remains from Southeast Asia.” Plus, how the hell did it take us 59 episodes to dump on the TSA?! If you always dreamed of being Robocop but just can’t stop stuffing your face with Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, might we recommend a career in harassing normal citizens holding their shoes and belts, plus their dead friend’s ashes, in their hands? The episode was recorded in loving memory of Kevin. May his remains rest in peace in some corner of Newark Liberty International Airport. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Ah, life in the Anals of Hate. As Marcus Aurelius once opined: “We are all but mere polyps fixed in a sea of poo.” Or some such. Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali regale all with tall tales from their gonzo journalism days in Columbia, South Carolina: from redneck Michael Jackson karaoke to kayaking to the bar during flash floods. Folks, Slim Jims are on the house! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Anals of Hate Mailbag and produces a short missive from Sheila: “You guys suck. Why not do a show called The Love Napkin?” Well, Sheila, first of all, we already had signs made. Second, a love napkin sounds like something you buy for 50 cents from a Kum & Go bathroom vending machine. Ooh! A cherry-flavored love napkin. Plus, it’s ribbed! Carla hates getting after-hours work texts—especially when you reply to a customer’s 9 p.m. text, only for them to shoot back, “Sorry, I’m too busy.” Listen, mofo! You’re the one who interrupted my one hour of peaceful, streaming BritBox before bedtime! So here’s an emoji of a hammer and an eggplant! Take a hint. Also: ACHTUNG! DING! DING! DING! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Holy crap! Are the Russians invading?! No, sorry, it’s just the coffee machine—your coffee is warmed up. It’s just the dryer—your clothes are dry. It’s just the microwave—your food is finished heating. Seriously?! Does every appliance have to come with a built-in 140-decibel nuclear apocalypse alarm? Pauly: “Listen, I would rather lose a bagel once a year than have a PTSD complex from my toaster.” Finally, Arik hates love. (Screw you, Sheila.) Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
It’s time for a little THN Show & Tell! Co-host Arik’s library rescue cat Loki starts the show by displaying his anus for all to see. Great for video, not so great for radio. (Or maybe it’s the other way around.) Speaking of furball buttholes, who do you hate more: Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos? It’s a no-brainer for co-host Arik. If he goes with Bezos, then his recent Amazon order of K-Y Jelly will probably never show up. Also, as sound engineer Pauly from Bali so eloquently puts it: “Elon Musk is clearly the biggest douchebag—he thinks he’s a savior to the world. But he’s just an exceptional douche.” Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, agrees: “He thinks that the opinions of rich white guys just aren’t out there enough. Musk is like the guy who hangs metal balls from the back of his pickup truck—only he’s tattooed them on his forehead.” Also, now that Carla is no longer the manager of the local DQ, she’s been on the job hunt, of late. And she is fed up with being asked, “What’s the one thing you don’t like about yourself?” “NOTHING! THE WHOLE WORLD SPENDS ALL DAY TELLING WOMEN WE’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! DAMMIT! I’M A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL PERSON! SO F OFF! OR I’LL HANG YOUR BALLS FROM THE BACK OF MY TRUCK!” Next! Pauly from Bali hates something, but we’re going to make you guess what it is based on Arik’s reaction: “I’ve got a forest of pubic hair that a chainsaw can’t cut through. Can I get the gig?” Also, are some corporations hijacking the Rainbow at the expense of other important social causes? And maybe Major League Baseball should think twice about Pride BOGO Wiener Day at the ballpark. Finally, Arik is sick and tired of every word and name being reduced to a monosyllable. “Nugs?! Just say CHICKEN NUGGETS! And it’s Jennifer Lopez—not J.LO! BTW, thank you for tuning in to THN.” Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates childproof caps. Hey, pill companies! If you’re designing a capsule bottle for arthritis sufferers, and the only way they can open the damn thing is with a sledgehammer, then JUST MAYBE you need to go back to the design drawing board! Lick alert! Next, we have a Waylon the Basset hound sitting! During which co-host Arik relives a Basset hound bladder-milking epic tale—or is that tail? Folks, only on the world’s penultimate worst-rated podcast will you stumble into moments like these! Next, what to do when your local library starts banning books and songs? That’s right, folks! The local library system in Arik’s neck of the woods has officially banned “Five Little Monkeys” from childhood story time. This wouldn’t be the same library system that incinerates tens of thousands of books per year, would it? Somewhere, Ray Bradbury rolls in his grave. (Five Science Fiction Classics sitting in a tree, teasing Mr. Book Burner, “Can’t catch me!”) Speaking of “Fahrenheit 451,” we are sick of smoky hotel rooms that smell like ashtrays. Also, Carla is sick of ass hats who toss their garbage out of car windows. And Arik is fed up with Mr. Stanky Uber passengers who reek of BO, pot and fried chicken: “It smells like someone in the back seat just made it with a rotting rhinoceros carcass. I spend half my money on Febreze these days!” Finally, how the hell did cerebral palsy end up on The Hate Napkin? Tune in to find out! THN PSA: If everyone had a Basset hound, no one would need The Hate Napkin. I mean, no one does actually need The Hate Napkin. But Basset hounds are pretty awesome, anyway. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
It’s Game Day! There’s a Nerf Super Soaker Water Blaster to your head. “What do you hate more?” Golden Corral or The Kardashians + Kanye West? Oh, Lord—please just blow out my inner ear with pee-tainted pool water now. If there’s one thing that separates The Hate Napkin crew from The Kardashians—it’s the pursuit of fame for fame’s sake. We enjoy nothing more than our coveted status as the world’s penultimate worst-rated podcast. (Phew! Thank God for Andy Dick.) Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali and co-host Arik take a stroll down memory lane, to a time in childhood where bad behavior was met with an hour of forced-watching PBS programming—and if you got caught changing the channel to The Transformers, you were beaten to death with a wooden spoon. “But, dad, the Autobots are on Team Jesus!” WHACK! “Optimus Prime is a Christ figure!” WHACK! Meanwhile, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, provides us with today’s THN Daily Affirmation: “The only thing worse than childhood leukemia is making children with leukemia drink lima bean juice.” Carla is sick and tired of customers who pretend to know more about your own products and service expertise. Folks, there’s a difference between chalk line residue and “rusty products.” Also, odds are, your five-star rideshare driver knows the fastest route. Your venerable construction company knows the best way to repair your roof. And your celebrated teacher is the actual curriculum master. By the way, if you’re the expert, then why are you just wandering aimlessly around Walmart in a tube top showing off your camel toe to the world? IF YOU KNOW BETTER, THEN BLOODY WELL JUST DO IT YOURSELF! Finally, screw GoFundMe. Without a doubt, GoFundMe has the worst foreign-based call center on Planet Earth. They’re definitely at the front of a line for a THN Hatey Award next year. And we conclude with Carla’s Yeast Infection Walmart Camel Toe Banana Bread recipe! Yum-yum! Leave a voicemail of something you hate: Support this podcast: See all episodes: --- Support this podcast:
puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding under a desk and pretending this would serve as protection from a Soviet nuclear punking. Instead, students today constantly partake in active shooter drills in the much more likely event that some dropout with an assault rifle will show up to scatter their brains across the chalkboard. Co-host Arik is strapped (not with a gun!) for a comedic response. That said: “If you really want to get rid of school shootings, there’s only one solution: get rid of the kids. Not with a machine gun! Just stop sending them to school. Period. No more students, no more school shootings. I mean, who’s going to waste any bullets on a couple of janitors and a frumpy PE teacher?” Arik is sick and tired of going into retail establishments and being asked at the end of a transaction if he’d like to make a donation. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali suggests that an easy way to end this practice is to tell the minimum wage cashier that you’ll match their personal donation. Better yet! Ask for the manager, and while the line piles up behind you, inform the manager you’ll be pleased as punch to match the entire management team’s collective donation. Carla can’t stand sleep deprivation. Arik and Carla get into a tug-of-war over what’s worse: suffering with cataplexy, a rare form of insomnia that includes waking nightmares, or having to take care of a goblin Basset Hound puppy whose nose turns on every night at 1 a.m. Meanwhile, Pauly interjects his hatred of pity parties. puff-puff-puff. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: See all episodes: puff-puff-puff. --- Support this podcast:
“Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC” This episode is sponsored by THN Creamy Butter! THN Creamy Butter: “Churning out hate since 2022!” No, seriously. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, brings in her old timey wooden butter chur—Ahem! Carla! Oh, Lord. Can you please stop churning between your legs? See, on the camera, it looks like—folks, DO NOT let the little ones watch this episode on YouTube. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents two items of hate from Vietnam. He’s sick of all the motor bikers using cell phones while scooting about Ho Chi Minh City. But he’s equally appalled at all the idiots driving Porsches and Lamborghinis in a city jampacked with motor bikers: “They can’t ever go more than 20 miles per hour! And they’re constantly being banged up by moron bikers on their phones!” Co-host Arik is sick and tired of that damned toe fungus ad that springs up on every website in the world. “Enough! That toe is like some sort of supervillain appendage with a hatching alien growth that’s about to destroy the world.” Pauly explains to Arik the marvels of algorithms and corporate web spying. Looks like someone in the Bjorn household has—“But I don’t have toe fungus!!” Carla: “That’s precisely what someone with toe fungus would say.” NEOLOGISM ALERT! CONTACT WEBSTER’S! CARLA COINS A TERM: “BUTT FUNGUS”! Arik is also in a volcanic huff about Ticketmaster, Amazon and all the other giant, web-based retail companies that send customers through AI text labyrinths and FAQ swamps to seek solutions to problems THAT REQUIRE HUMAN ASSISTANCE. “I’ll just have my computer connect with your computer, and they can resolve this issue in Webinar Wonderland.” Also, the limp eggplant horrors of plastic straws. And, for that matter, curved eggplants! That’s a wrap. Join us next week for another episode of “As the World Churns”! --- Support this podcast:
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.) Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, cannot stand Road Ragers. Why the hell would anyone cut her off, then brake-check her for several miles, throwing the bird at her all the while, when she’s behind the wheel of her boss’ F-450 Platinum?! Thankfully she doesn’t have “roid rage,” so said arse-bucket behind the wheel will survive to drive aggressively another day. THN PSA: To all speeding jerk-weeds in Chargers, please note that the driver you swerved around and dusted 30 seconds ago just pulled up to you at the next red light. Figure it out, and chill the F out. Arik expresses hate couture for all of the teenagers these days sporting T-shirts of bands and musicians who they don’t know a damned thing about. KISS, Cat Stevens, Prince, Gin Blossoms, Whitney Houston. “If you’re wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, and I yell ‘FREE BIRD!!’, and you start looking around in the sky—you deserve to have that shirt ripped off you where you stand.” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of negative online reviews of large chain restaurants. Don’t get your panties tied in a wad over only receiving two ketchup packets. You knew what McDonald’s was before you walked in the door! Also, for what it’s worth, that’s two more packets than you would have received at any Michelin star restaurant. (Also, maybe burn a calorie or two. Get off your lard ass and ask for another packet of ketchup—and maybe a life!—at the counter.) That’s all for now, folks! Arik has to put on his Green Day Dookie T-shirt and take his morning “constitutional.” --- Support this podcast:
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.” Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements. Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?” Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.” Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.) Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging! Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement. Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver. FLUSH! --- Support this podcast:
Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around! Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys! Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bronze Fleur-de-Lis Napkin Holder! Each member of the show nominates two of their favorite items on The Hate Napkin from the first 49 episodes. Then the THN Gang votes—or muddle wrestles, whatever it takes—to decide The Ultimate Hate Champion. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the nominations with co-host Arik’s WWW Rant from Episode 7: “Although you declared your hatred for the WWW part of URLs, throughout that episode and ever since, you haven’t been able to stop saying WWW. So I officially nominate the Orld Ide Eb.” Carla also nominates Pauly from Bali for The Dreaded Webinar from Episode 8. Folks, this nomination clearly leads the pack early on. There are few things the THN Gang has abhorred over time more than Webinars—except perhaps Cancer Babies. “Webinars are hell—the absolute worst that humanity has to offer.” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents the phrase “At the End of the Day” for nomination. This was part of Carla’s “Filler Word” Rant back in Episode 13. But wait, there’s more! Pauly also brings forward Weak Handshakes, another Carla gem, from Episode 33. In a Will-Smith-crack-to-the-face moment of tension, Pauly openly declares his refusal to nominate Arik for a Hatey. Pauly’s mad that Arik has saddled him with the title of Sound Engineer: “We have the worst sound of any podcast in the world. Why do you keep telling people that’s my responsibility?!” Arik just can’t pass on Carla’s Disquisition of the Tube Top in Episode 14. Carla accepts his nomination with abject humility: “The thing is, tube tops have a time and a place. But men wearing tube tops in Walmart is never the time nor ever the place.” For Arik’s second nomination, he really wanted to honor Pauly’s annoying “Tokay! Tokay!” call from Episode 21: “It was one of the most gut-bubbling funny things of all time. I actually peed myself on air a little.” Then there was Eric Clapton’s dead baby. At the end of the day, he puts forward Pauly’s Raw Vegan Rant from Episode 36. The THN Gang then contemplates just what might be in the shopping cart of a Walmart Tube Topper. Moon Pies? K-Y Jelly? Glitter hair gel? SUDAFED®? The product possibilities are endless! Drum roll, please! Ladies and Gentlemen, Muffin Tubers of all genders! The First Annual Hatey Award goes to…! --- Support this podcast:
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