12 Bawdy Christmas Poems

Tonight we’re presenting some of our most beloved,
humorous, and explicit poems about Christmas night intimacy. All are
spoofs of the most classic Christmas poem of all time.

Listen to the Podcast at Steamy
Stories.

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The Black Knight Before Christmas.

by  The
Mad Splatter, recited by Sonia.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the
house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse;
My
panties were hung on the bedpost with care,
As my fingers parted
my soft pussy hair.

My pussy I fingered while all snug in my bed,
As visions of
huge cock danced in my head;
My tit in one hand, and squeezing my
nip,
I moaned and I groaned, while my muff I did grip.

When out on the lawn I heard a faint sound,
I popped out my
fingers from my wet and hot mound;
And naked away, to the window I
dashed,
Tore open the drapes as the yard I did flash.

The moon on my breasts was a sight to behold,
Showed my smooth
white skin and red nipples so bold.
When, what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
But William, our black neighbor, who I’ve
wanted all year,

With an ass like a rock and muscles so thick,
I knew in a
moment I’d found my hard dick.
While rubbing my pussy I
suddenly came,
As he whistled and shouted, and called me by name;

“Now, Susan, you minx, you hot little vixen!
It’s
time that you knew what you’ve always been missin’!
From
the tip of my rod to the sack of my balls
I’ll make you
forget your drunk husband, Paul!”

His words, they made my fantasies fly;
And I slid both my hands
between my wet thighs;
And started to spread and rub my bare
lips
Now slick from the promise of a huge, black dick.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a loud knock,
And knew at the
front door awaited my cock.
I threw on my robe and sped down the
stairs,
Hot for the stud who awaited me there.

When I opened the door, he wasted not a moment;
Entered the
room and tore off my garment;
And dropped to his knees, put his
face in my snatch;
My pussy lips burned, as hot as a match.

The nub of my clit he held tight in his teeth,
His fingers he
rubbed on my slit just beneath;
I squeezed my huge tits, nipples
dark as a cherry,
And his tongue was now stabbing my pussy so
furry.

Hearing my breathing had become quite quick
He knew it was time
to show me his prick.
He pulled down his pants and exposed his
firm belly,
And his long, thick tool to which I said, “Oh,
Billy!”

It was chubby and plump, and hard in my hand;
When it slid in
my mouth, he barely could stand;
So a chair I soon found and gave
him a seat;
I straddled his cock and ground on his meat.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled
up my pussy, then came with a jerk,
And sliding his finger inside
of my ass,
I came on his lap and slumped with a gasp.

I slid off his cock, and fell to the floor,
And licked the last
drops of cum like a whore.
And he finally exclaimed, with my mouth
on his rod,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good, oh,
oh my God!!!”

And To All A Good Lay.

by  foehn.
Recited by Connor.

’Twas the night before Christmas, and down in my drawers,

my creature was telling you, “Get on all fours!”

You’d already laid down your stockings with care,
and
come to molest me in my easy chair.

The kids were all upstairs and sleeping at last,
and now it
was “us” time; not slow, but not fast,
You unbuttoned
my britches and pulled my pants down,
and up sprang my elf with
his little pink crown.

He trembled and twitched with desire that was spastic,
desiring
our session of love to be drastic.
Tenderly, gently caressing my
shaft,
you leaned close to kiss it, just driving me daft!

By flickering firelight, its head disappeared,
when all of a
sudden, the thing that I feared,
The most about Christmas Eve
night came to pass,
as Santa Claus plopped on our fire, on his
ass.

Our fire was extinguished and smoke filled the air,
as Santa
jumped up with, a burning derriere.
I took in the view with a
wilting erection,
and wondered “What’s wrong with our
burglar detection?”

Santa was hopping and howling in hurt;
I pulled up your
favorite plant from its dirt,
And taking the pot, knocking over my
rum,
I ran up to rub, the wet soil on his bum.

The fire was put out, and the poor old elf sighed,
to think
that this Christmas, he well could have died;
And when he spied
you, collapsed naked and weeping,
I couldn’t help think,
that he shouldn’t be peeping.

When I recognized the odd look on his face,
I reminded him, he
had invaded our space.
“And now come to think of it, where
are the toys?
“Surely you’ve brought some, for our
little boys.”

I walked to the closet and chose a warm blanket,
to cover your
butt with. (she wanted to spank it.)
He walked to the chimney,
and reaching within,
unsnagged his bag, which fell down with a
din.

“Quiet” I said: “Must you make such a clatter?”

He smiled just to say, “ that Nothing’s the matter,”

and then just to prove to me nothing was wrong,
he tossed you
a shiny new silicone dong.

He stashed the boys’ presents, all under the tree,
and
turning he gave me, a new DVD;
there were pictures of hot sexy,
things on the case,
and one of them seemed to be wearing your
face!

He gave a big wink, walked right out the door.
I locked it
behind him and glanced at the floor.
where you looked so
peaceful, all comfy and bare.
beneath the big blanket, now
covering you there.

I stripped off my clothes, laid down at your side;
you were
already giving, your new dong a ride!
And what had gone limp from
our rude interruption,
now perked up quite nicely, and stood at
attention.

I reached for your free hand and guided it where;
it could find
my “north pole,” sticking out in the air.
and I heard
Santa shout, as he left on his sleigh,
“Merry Christmas to
all, and to all a good lay!”

Her Night Before Christmas.

by Ug.
Recited by Natasha.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house.
No
creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were worn
by the woman with care,
She’d too much to drink, passed out
on the chair.

The woman who should have been snug in her bed,
the whiskey
and vodka, gone straight to her head.
And she lay there snoring,
empty glass on the floor,
so drunk came she in, she’d
forgotten the door.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Another drunk
wandering, home in a stagger.
To her door he did wander, and gave
it a push,
Then fell he inside when his foot caught a bush.

He spied a light on, in a room and did wander.
looked inside
the door, and hence he did ponder.
Now who was this woman,
sitting there in his chair.
This woman with such sexy flowing
blonde hair.

He reached down to give, her shoulder a shake,
but the young
buxom woman, just wouldn’t awake.
He tried a bit harder,
and gave her a jostle.
which didn’t awake her, but made her
breasts tossle.

The drunk seeing breasts, seductively quiver.
decided to cup
one, still she did not shiver.
Now with his right hand, he
slipped down her dress.
and finding her nipple, an interesting
quest.

He moved his left hand, and placed on her thigh.
and feeling
the silks, he pushed his hand high.
Over the stocking tops, onto
warm skin,
to her panties and under, his fingers sank in.

He gripped at her panties, and pulled them aside.
and with his
free hand, then parted her thighs.
And moving between, her legs
he did shove.
Unzipping his pants, to fuck his new love.

He then pulled her ass, to the edge of the chair,
His dick
found it’s way, through her pubic hair.
and into her pussy,
his dick did so slam.
then pulled back slightly, to repeatedly
ram.

He pounded her pussy, and groaned as he shoved.
Her pussy felt
great, like a hot little glove.
She still was asleep, unaware of
the world,
so he carried on fucking, his sweet Christmas girl.

He pushed her legs back, up over her head,
And deep in her
womb, his pulsing dick fed.
He started to grunt, whilst having
his fun.
Then into her belly, shot all of his cum.

He held himself still, til catching his breath,
and pulled out
his dick, his balls had none left.
He wiped off his cock, on the
hem of her dress,
and zipped himself up, though she was a mess.

He spoke not a word, but went straight