I’m the first woman in my family who has not had at least one child by my age.

Yes, I’m only 25, but the culture I grew up in prioritized having a relationship and children above all else. 

When I decided to go to college out of state, move to New York City, start my own business, and even go to graduate school, I was the only person I knew who did anything of the sort. 

But every time I returned from the big city, the question would remain the same: “do you have a boyfriend?” It evolved when I got into a long-term relationship: “why don’t you get married? You need to have kids soon or you’ll be an old mom.”

Questions about my education, business, or extensive travels were rare. While I thought I was above it because I was building my own life, I subconsciously was programmed to cling to a partner, plan for marriage, and stay with that person at all costs.

There had never been any room to question what I wanted out of a relationship, I simply was focused on being in one. 

So in my first year being single since I was 17 years old, I was not only struggling to figure out how to text a man back (my least favorite activity BY FAR) or get dressed for a date, but I also grappled with defining my standards for a partner.

When I’d dish to my girlfriends (and therapist) about my boy problems, one simple question kept taking the breath out of me:

“Well, what do you want?”

What do you MEAN? I get to decide what I want and what works for me out of a relationship?

It sounds silly to say, but I didn’t know I had the power to choose that. I thought relationships were fated, and that once you had a connection with someone you would focus on giving it your all. Many women operate the same way: focusing on the title instead of deciding exactly what they need, want, and deserve, and sticking to it.

Through a few Raya dates, way-too-long situationships, and a lot of experiencing what I didn’t want, I settled on what I did want, and thought I’d found someone who wanted to be that for me.

But when he abruptly ended things because “my standards were too high,” instead of lowering them, I started to feel a sense of pride for believing in myself and my dreams above all else. Now, the standards are just getting higher.

I hope this episode reminds you that you’re never too much for the right person. It’s one of my favorites ever.

xx,

Alexis

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