Sometimes the way forward in your life means ending your marriage or committed relationship with your partner. While many people think that means hiring lawyers and battling it out, it doesn't have to be that way. Collaborative divorce can help you have a "good divorce." Today I'm going to talk with Nanci Smith about what that means and how collaborative divorce can help you to heal rather than create more pain and suffering. I hope you appreciate this episode and I hope you'll share it with someone you know who might benefit from listening to it.

Nanci A. Smith, Esq., is an attorney licensed to practice in Vermont and New York. She is the chair of the Collaborative Divorce section of the Vermont Bar Association, a leader in her collaborative divorce practice group, and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. She frequently writes and talks about divorce, family law, ethics, and collaborative divorce practices. She believes that a good divorce is possible when you show up for it with humility, compassion, and the correct support. 

More information about Nanci:

Nanci's website: https://nancismithlaw.com/

Nanci's book: Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce

Nanci's social media links:

https://www.facebook.com/DivorceUntangld

https://www.linkedin.com/in/nanciasmith/

https://twitter.com/DivorceUntangld

https://www.instagram.com/divorceuntangled/

Karin's information:

Website: https://drcalde.com

Leave or stay? Get clarity with this free download: https://clarity.drcalde.com/

 

TRANSCRIPT

Podcast Intro:

[00:00 ] Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

 Karin: Hello, everyone. This episode is for those of you who might have worked at your relationship for a while and ultimately decided that it's just no longer viable. Or perhaps you're considering divorce, but you're still unsure. And although divorce might be the right thing for you, it is hard, even when it's like mine was and mine was amicable.

Now, if you go the traditional route and by traditional, I'm talking about where both of you have your own lawyers and you're fighting for what you want, and you're likely really determined to make your spouse pay for what they did as an expression of how angry you are or how selfish you think they've been, well, you can do that. But you're much more likely to come out the other side of it feeling drained, bitter, angry, resentful. Your kids are going to pay the price for many years to come, even if they're out of the house and grown. And you're also going to end up much poorer financially in most situations. It doesn't have to be this way. If you decide divorce is the right decision for you, I want you to know that there's an option that will make it a lot less painful for everyone and allow for you to heal instead of creating more pain for you to carry forward. And that's what we're here to talk about today.

I just want to let you know that one of the things that I do in my role as a relationship coach is to help people decide which way to go without pushing them one way or the other. I have a lot of empathy for you and how hard it is to make that decision. But because I've done my own work, I can be neutral and trust that you will come up with the best decision for you, with some guidance. In the months leading up to my divorce, I would connect with friends who I hoped would be supportive, and for the most part, they were. But often they had their own ideas of what I should do, and it was not what I needed. So as a coach, I'm that person who doesn't have a personal stake in a relationship. I can help you sort through your own feelings and experiences without trying to impose my agenda. And right now I do have a free offer on my website to help you get some of that clarity that you might be seeking. So I'll put my website address in the show notes, but it's drcalde.com.

Today I'm going to be talking with Nancy Smith, who is a lawyer in Vermont, and she wants to see a paradigm shift in how divorce is done. She is a collaborative divorce lawyer. Today we're going to talk about what that means and how it can help you heal rather than create more pain and suffering. I hope you appreciate this episode and I hope you'll share it with someone that you know who might benefit from listening to it. Thanks for being here. Here we go.

 

Karin: Welcome, Nanci.

[03:49 ] Nanci: Thanks, Karin. Nice to see you.

[03:51 ] Karin: Tell us all where you are in the world.

[03:53 ] Nanci: Sure. I'm coming in from Vermont outside of Burlington, Vermont, east coast of the US.

[04:00 ] Karin: And remind me, have you always lived in that area?

[04:04 ] Nanci: Well, I'm originally from Detroit and then I went to San Francisco and then I came to Vermont to go to law school. So I've been here for 30 years.

[04:11 ] Karin: Okay, what keeps you there?

[04:13 ] Nanci: I love living in Vermont. It's so peaceful and it's beautiful. And every day is an act know, visual beauty. And I like living in nature in the mountains, so I like it. And we also have a lake. Lake Champlain is really pretty too.

[04:28 ] Karin: Oh, nice. And I imagine it gets pretty green. Does it dry out? It's probably not because you get summer rain, right?

[04:36 ] Nanci: Oh my God. Well, we've had catastrophic flooding this year, so let's not talk about this year. But generally speaking, yes, Vermont is green mountains and we do get a lot of rain.

[04:47 ] Karin: Yeah, I do love the green. So tell us about the work that you do.

[04:52 ] Nanci: Well, thanks so much for having me on to talk about it. I feel like it's impactful. It has an opportunity to be impactful. And so I'm a divorce lawyer, and even though that wasn't what I really set out to be when I was a youngster, I'm finding that doing collaborative divorce, which is the model that I like to practice in, has an opportunity to allow people to emerge from their divorce healthy and wholehearted instead of bitter and resentful. So I am a divorce lawyer and I practice collaborative divorce. That's really what I do.

[05:25 ] Karin: And I never want to know what I'm going to get when I get these inquiries from lawyers. I have this image in my head of these go, go get them money focused. And I know, of course, that's not always true and you definitely do not fit that mold at all. You are so lovely to sit down and talk with and I really enjoyed hearing you before talk a little bit.

[05:56 ] Nanci: About what you do.

[05:57 ] Karin: So tell us what got you involved in the kind of divorce work that you're doing now.

[06:03 ] Nanci: Sure. And I appreciate that I may not be typical of people's ideas of lawyers and the stereotype that we certainly have in the culture. In fact, the other day a friend, I was dating this fellow and he said, oh, I was telling him about a poetry class that I was taking or some artwork that I was doing. And he's like, oh, so do you want to be a creative? And I said, I am a creative. I also just happen to be a lawyer.

[06:29 ] Karin: You've got well rounded interests.

[06:34 ] Nanci: Anyway, but apparently that may not be the case with everybody. So if it is your first experience with an attorney, then I'm really grateful that you can talk with me about it. So what drew me into the practice is I didn't think I was going to be a divorce lawyer. I wanted to be an international human rights lawyer. That was my goal, that was my dream. But I